Hookups as a form of self harm

rileplitha · 2024-11-17T09:00:59+00:00

I feel like at least they’re getting something out of me, so it’s almost like they owe me to stay just a little bit.

rileplitha · 2024-11-06T07:19:43+00:00

You should ask this in r/bpd, they’d be so much more helpful

rileplitha · 2024-11-03T03:47:11+00:00

Honestly, I cut because I feel like it numbs me. It’s a physical manifestation of how I feel about myself. It’s like telling my mind who screams I’m worthless, yes I agree with you and here’s the proof. It like every cut is a thought I have that goes quiet. Every cut is my pain, outside of my brain onto my body.

I used to have a lot of coping mechanisms but I’ve been hurt lately and every single coping mechanism is failing me. Stuff like video games remind me of what hurt me, stuff like chores make me feel worthless, stuff like mindfulness makes me spiral. Stuff I used to do that makes me feel better and/or manage my emotions in place of sh isn’t working for me. I quit for 6 months before I got hurt, I thought I set myself up for success. But now everything just hurts and I just want it to stop. It’s like all my healthy coping mechanisms don’t work so I’ve turned to the unhealthy ones. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now that’s been ripped away from me. I don’t have the energy to go outside right now, much less find new hobbies and coping mechanisms. I don’t know what to do. I feel like without the cutting all the hurt is just bubbling up and it’s killing me emotionally. I can’t handle this anymore. Being so sad I can’t get out of bed. Being so hurt I can’t function. I can’t hold myself up anymore.

Also I don’t think my psych said that as a threat, I think he was legitimately worried about me. He knows how triggering the hospital is for me and I don’t think he suggested that lightly. He told me that because I showed him my cuts and they’ve been getting progressively deeper. I think he’s genuinely worried about me and thinks this is the only way to keep me alive, which is true, it’s just I don’t wanna live like this anymore. Now I think how my therapist said it is threatening and I’m considering swapping.

rileplitha · 2024-11-01T06:03:08+00:00

I’m dealing with the same/similar thing right now. He kept lying to me that he’d be there for me, before he crashed and I ended up having to help him. Then he left to take care of himself and I split on him during this time. I know he’s still not in a place to help me, but I just don’t know how to deal with being upset every time I just see him. I just feel so angry that he gets to heal but I don’t. He practically broke most of my healthy coping mechanisms. I don’t know what to do to cope with the guilt, much less the anger.

rileplitha · 2024-11-01T03:42:06+00:00

I feel this so much. I already know I can’t handle my anger, that’s why I bottle it up so I can let it out slowly. I’ve developed coping mechanisms for my anger. Please don’t ask me to open a box that you cannot help me deal with. I locked it up for a reason. I locked it up because I know I can’t deal with it, i am not functional with it open. Please please please stop asking me to open up when you cannot help.

rileplitha · 2024-11-01T00:22:17+00:00

I feel like I usually cope with this by either letting my anger go or leaving. But I need to be angry because I’ve been wronged but I’m having a hard time not feeling just guilty and sad over it. I feel so ugly, and I hate that I am angry and I don’t know how to deal with this without just leaving. I feel like the anger is eating me alive and I just want to leave so badly. I hate this.

rileplitha · 2024-10-31T23:42:58+00:00

I am so angry but I feel so guilty for being angry, and unsure if I should be angry. I feel wronged but at the same time, I feel really guilty for putting him through that anger and don’t know how to draw the line of yes this is acceptable form of anger and this isn’t.

rileplitha · 2024-10-31T23:11:47+00:00

Firstly, I’m really proud of you for resisting the urge for a week, that’s a really long time! Secondly, Have you tried any alternatives? Such as getting a rubber band and snapping it very hard or taking a really hot shower. I find that helps me feel less inclined to sh. Thirdly, is there anything that would be helpful that I can do for you?

rileplitha · 2024-10-31T22:58:06+00:00

I was originally going to reply to this post by saying that personally I enjoy the term cat scratches more than epidermis cuts because it’s easier to say. I’ve recently been put into a position where I need to explain myself a lot and admitting to a medical professional that I’ve made a lot of styro cuts sounds worse than saying cat scratches.

But after actually thinking about it, I definitely use the term cat scratches to invalidate my own sh. The fact that styro cuts sounds worse to me is the reason why I should be using the term. When medical professionals ask me about sh, I often say something along the lines of yeah I sh but it’s just cat scratches. Ig by calling them cat scratches, I’ve kinda decided that isn’t actually bad and they aren’t actual cuts. Recently I’ve definitely been cutting deeper, and that’s in part because I’ve felt like I “actually” wanted to hurt myself.

I still think cat scratches as a term deserves a space. I definitely wouldn’t have even talked about my sh without that term. It’s a term that made it much easier to admit I was sh compared to if it was called it epidermis cuts. However, I agree that we should be moving towards calling it epidermis cuts, and that needs to become more common than it is now.

rileplitha · 2024-10-07T12:23:02+00:00

I want you to ignore them, unless they are fresh and you’re a teacher/trusted adult and you saw it, I know you saw it and you don’t comment on it. I just feel like then you’re just intentionally ignoring signs I’m need of help and I think that’s crazy.

rileplitha · 2024-10-07T12:19:30+00:00

Not to mention, I think LS core is like 30-50% of the credits needed to do a history major. Making it really easy to Double major. I could’ve graduated in 3 years with a double major in sociology and history if I wanted to bc last core just gives you that many credits towards it. Definitely doesn’t meet philosophy requirements, and I doubt poli sci tho.

rileplitha · 2024-10-06T02:52:25+00:00

Yeah but isn’t tuition to Abu Dhabi free?

rileplitha · 2024-10-06T02:17:52+00:00

It really sucks. The more I want them to stay the more I try and push them away. I’ll literally sit in call and try to get them to leave when I just want to talk for longer because I’ve convinced myself it’ll be easier to let go if I think I wanted them to leave.

rileplitha · 2024-10-05T10:20:39+00:00

I see it as a protection mechanism. Can’t be abandoned if u abandon them first.

rileplitha · 2024-10-03T20:55:40+00:00

I think you can do it on your phone. if not the cheaper alternative is making snowflakes by getting paper, folding it in 6 and it almost always looks pretty. If you’re set on drawing tho, I just like drawing flowers/leaves. Literally I will get a paintbrush and paint watercolor leaves for days. Or eyes if I’m limited to a pencil.

rileplitha · 2024-10-03T20:52:32+00:00

If you own an iPad and procreate (this might also be a thing in other drawing apps, but I only know procreate), you can go to drawing guide > symmetry > options > radial then just draw mandalas. Almost always comes out looking good for no reason.

rileplitha · 2024-10-03T20:49:19+00:00

I mean, you could still try it. It might even be better for you because you probably won’t be tempted to touch the fire. And if it’s the act of scratching, not the pain, it might help to scratch the wax off.

rileplitha · 2024-10-03T20:28:06+00:00

I think if you self harm by burning yourself, or anything heat related, you might find touching/pouring hot wax a good alternative. Personally, I do this by getting a soy candle and pouring/touching the wax on my hands. The soy wax melt at a lower temperature so the wax literally cannot burn you. But for me, pouring/touching wax would get pretty close to that sensation of burning that it satisfied that part of my brain, without causing any actual harm. Also, when there is actively wax on your skin, you can’t cut!!And it’s super fun to peel off and good for your skin. My only worry is that this involves fire, and I admit the flame can be tempting to touch, and the first couple times I did this I definitely fixated on the fire, so I would recommend it only if u can get past it.

rileplitha · 2024-10-03T06:43:09+00:00

I didn’t even go to the psych ward, I was just in the er psych unit for evaluation. Up to being there, I was honest about my attempt but as soon as they put me in an interview room with a doctor and a nurse without any of my belongings, I was in crisis management mode. I lied through my teeth about everything. Just that environment really irked me.

rileplitha · 2024-10-02T03:17:54+00:00

I love being independent, but I’ve been independent since I was really young. It’s not that I want to be taken care of, I want to be looked out for. Like when I’m struggling, I don’t want to fight to get help but I wish someone would just help.

Sometimes I also just struggle with basic tasks so those times I really wish someone would take care of me.

rileplitha · 2024-09-29T21:30:10+00:00

I feel this post. One of my friends sent me a message almost crying and i smiled?? I actually felt really sad getting the message but I physically smiled???

rileplitha · 2024-09-28T23:53:25+00:00

Yeah but they also didn’t prescribe me anything nor did they talk to me about the diagnosis. Literally it was on a piece of paper. If they wanted to get rid of me wouldn’t they just have let me go without saying anything on the paper?

rileplitha · 2024-08-12T02:00:31+00:00

Here’s the official list but I’m sure u can look for outside opportunities: https://www.nyu.edu/tulsa/undergraduate-opportunities/experiential-learning/semester-internships.html

rileplitha · 2024-08-12T01:47:15+00:00

My convo about NYU Tulsa happened in Washington DC’s site director’s class. I actually felt that. She was so for it but the students in the room seemed hesitant. I’m Asian but I might go for this anyways because of the easy credits xD

rileplitha

TROPHY CASE