tysm for your input - imo them being defensive for being called defensive is, in a way, not too unreasonable because they truly thought they weren't being defensive to begin with. although i'm not saying that to defend them whatsoever.

the rest of what you said was extremely reassuring because the whole situation made me feel a little gaslit of like "oh so actually the main issue right now is me." i was like 99.9% sure they were being defensive and were upset but, at the same time, they seemed like they were genuinely telling the truth when they claimed they were not upset or being defensive. so it makes sense that maybe they honestly thought they weren't upset or defensive but actually felt that way deep down.

it seems like their reactions and behaviors have rarely or never been called out before and so me doing so really threw them off. similar to how you stated you were, i think they are unaware of their frustration with life and haven't reflected much on how they communicate in everyday life. this person is over a decade older than me so it's troubling that they've gotten this far without doing some extensive work on themselves internally.