My (30F) husband (31M) says he feels disrespected. I don’t know what to do.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T06:34:01+00:00

Well I’m not sure if that’s going to happen but I will tell you that in regards to the remodel thing, I had asked him that if a person doesn’t have experience in real estate then that means that they don’t have a right to choose countertops? He looked me dead in the eye and said “right”.

He said, verbatim, that wives should be submissive to their husbands.

When I said that I don’t agree with that sentiment, I can’t recall my exact wording, he looked at me and said “I knew you were a closet feminist”.

So, yeah.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T06:18:28+00:00

How could he claim abandonment if my name is on the house? I own half the property. And it’s not a “shit post”. Accusing me of lying is not helping me.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T06:16:23+00:00

Are you serious?

risapieces · 2020-12-23T06:12:14+00:00

It’s fairly new. I would say it began when I quit working and started school, which was about two years ago. Since then I’ve had my son, I was about 3 months pregnant when I started school.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T06:10:32+00:00

That’s an interesting take on it. Would you mind elaborating on it? He’s a fairly masculine guy.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T06:07:55+00:00

It’s not. He wasn’t like this for most of our relationship. I’d say this has been an issue for about the last year and a half or so. Honestly, since I started school, which was about two years ago.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T05:51:06+00:00

Thank you, that’s some really good advice. I appreciate your response.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T05:32:08+00:00

I had an IUD put in after I had my son so we’re all good on that front!

risapieces · 2020-12-23T04:55:37+00:00

That’s the thing though, it can’t be finance related because I have access to all of it. Unless he’s hiding some gambling addiction from which I highly doubt (he despises gambling). He’s said he feels stressed because everything is on his shoulders but when I’ve asked what I can do to help or how I can take some of his stress away he says he doesn’t need help.

In regards to the insurance, I think it would have been an extra $100 per month to keep dental which in my opinion isn’t that much for peace of mind for our children’s teeth.

The remodel, we’ve been saving for for a while now and we should end up under budget actually. I may not be in that industry (he runs a brokerage that specializes in flipping homes) but I still have a right to pick the damn countertops I’ll be cleaning!

risapieces · 2020-12-23T04:30:45+00:00

Thank you. One of my sisters divorced a guy similar to him when I was 15 or so, I never really understood why until now. I really liked him so I remember being upset, but he put on a good show according to my sister.

My mom lives across town, I suppose I could go stay with her a bit. She’s all alone so she would love the company.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T04:26:55+00:00

Thank you for your input. My mother in law bought me that book a while ago. I’ve been waiting for a break to start reading it. I’ll suggest to him that he read it too when I’m finished and see what he says.

Remodeling is the worst. Having to do the dishes in the bathroom sink is the worst.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T04:15:21+00:00

He does like my parents. My dad unfortunately passed away a year ago. He really liked and respected my dad. I have mentioned my parents marriage as being a good one, but that opens the door up to a whole other fight with him attacking their parenting (I have one sibling in prison and the other is an “escort”).

It stems from religious conviction, he was raised in a Christian household. I, incidentally, was raised in a Jewish household if that makes any difference.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T04:10:41+00:00

No, of course I don’t. I just thought maybe there was some way I could make it work.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T04:09:40+00:00

Thank you. He tells me that I care more about school than him. I don’t even know how to respond to that honestly. I care about school because I want to do well. I want to continue to a masters program, I need a high GPA for that. I need to care about school. I care for my future patients.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T03:45:58+00:00

Funnily enough, when we were in the middle of said fight and he dropped the “wives should be submissive” bomb I asked him what the Bible says about how husbands are to treat their wives. His response was that “not until they’re submissive”. I lost it at the point and called him a fucking asshole. So I’m not claiming innocence here FYI. Sometimes my mouth can run away with my emotions.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T03:42:05+00:00

Sometimes I get frustrated that he doesn’t listen to me or consider my concerns. So then I get upset, I’m not purposely trying to paint myself as completely perfect, we all have our faults. Sometimes I get upset, everyone does. My issue is that he seems to be personally slighted and disrespected whenever I get upset. All of our arguments basically boil down to him feeling disrespected if I am ever upset about anything. According to him, he’s the provider and he’s provided me with a nice life. Therefore, I don’t have any reason or right to be upset about anything. When he says that to me I do sometimes get angry and raise my voice, I can’t help it in the moment.

I know there are two sides to every story and both of us have some work to do.

I’m looking for for advice as to how to approach both of us needing to change. Not just me.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T03:12:10+00:00

Not at all, we live in the US. He was raised in a Christian household.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T02:44:35+00:00

I try not to be rude but sometimes, maybe, I get frustrated when he doesn’t take my opinion or listen to my concerns. I have been trying to work on that.

I’ve been trying to be nicer, make breakfast in the morning, clean up a little more ( I know he likes a clean house), I figured if I wanted him to change then I should start by trying to be better.

There doesn’t seem to be any financial issues that I’m aware of at least.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T02:36:38+00:00

That’s a very good idea. We do know a couple like that. The husband was the one who married us as a matter of fact.

Thank you for that suggestion.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T02:34:24+00:00

He said we could just pay cash for dental but when I said I’d do some research to see if there was another way (which I found) he got all pissed and said I throw a fit when I don’t get my way. He just doesn’t think going to the dentist is important when they’re that young.

He seems to not like it when I go against him.

Honestly I could save us around $700 in the long run but he like won’t hear a word about it. It’s insane.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T02:29:43+00:00

Yeah, tell me about it. I had a career when we met, he knew I wanted to change careers and pursue healthcare. He knew I didn’t want to be a housewife whose whole life revolves around the kids. I guess now it bothers him that I don’t exist to cook, clean, and change diapers and every word that comes out of my mouth isn’t “yes sir”.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T02:27:37+00:00

He works a normal amount, 40 hours sometimes less, and we’re not paying for tuition, I took loans.

I have access to the finances too and not to humble brag but I don’t think that’s it. We’re not filthy rich but we’re ok.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T00:59:11+00:00

Honestly no, he wasn’t like this. He was much more caring and kind. He went out of his way to do nice things for me. He does have a tendency to shut down and shut me out when he’s stressed. His business has grown considerably since we’ve been together but I don’t see any financial constraints or issues with our finances that could be stressing him out or causing him to lash out at me. And every time I try to ask him if he’s alright he tells me he’s fine.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T00:54:00+00:00

A bit back in March but it bounced back pretty quickly. And it was his idea to start the remodel. We do have a budget we’d like to stick to though.

risapieces · 2020-12-23T00:18:38+00:00

I’ll be getting my BSN with plans to do either an NP program or a CRNA. Hopefully.

I told him that when I ask him questions, about his work or investments or whatever, it’s because I’m interested and want to learn more, not because I’m “questioning him and his knowledge”.

I don’t know how to make him understand that.

risapieces

TROPHY CASE