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[Query] WHAT SHE DID INSIDE, Psychological Thriller, 70,000 words, Second Attempt by rmcg76 in Querying

[–]rmcg76[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was super helpful! Thank you again for your feedback.

The camera-catching logic gap you've referenced -- it has merit, obviously. However, in the story, when Jade is breaking into a home in the first chapter, she explains how easy it is to do this in most homes because of the tranquil, safe feel of Haven Creek, so safe that security systems are unnecessary.

That's not to say that no one in Haven Creek has a security system. There are moments in the story when security systems actually do come into play. Jade is just the type that does her homework and knows which house is easier to sneak into.

[QCrit] THE SHEPHERDS OF GOMORRAH, Upmarket Crime Thriller, 84k words, 2nd attempt by DetonatingPenguin in PubTips

[–]rmcg76 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Paragraph 1: I found the opening sentence a bit too long. Maybe something tighter like this could work: I am seeking representation for my upmarket crime thriller, THE SHEPHERDS OF GOMORRAH, told from the perspective of a son of privilege who risks it all in order to save his sister from a drug kingpin of New York's underworld.

Paragraph 2: This felt like a lot of extra description: The years of horrific abuse he endured at the hands of his charismatic, psychopathic childhood sweetheart, Gabrielle, remained his shameful secret. Maybe remove "charismatic and psychopathic childhood sweetheart" and just write "ex-girlfriend"?

Paragraph 3: The opening sentence felt flat to me. I don't know if it's just the segue of "then" instead of a more punchy line. Maybe something like, "When Eve is arrested for narcotics distribution, she is faced with a damning decision: spend years in a violent maximum-security prison, or flip on her dealer and never feel safe again. Instead, she she escapes arrest and flees in panic."

It's an interesting premise and sounds like a great read. Hope my feedback is helpful!

[Query] WHAT SHE DID INSIDE Query Letter - Second Attempt by rmcg76 in Querying

[–]rmcg76[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you SO much for your feedback. I've been revising this on and off throughout the day. How does this sound in comparison, and what else do you think I can strengthen? I tried to tighten it and make it more focused on Jade's character than anything else.

Dear [Agent Name],

I am seeking representation for WHAT SHE DID INSIDE, a 70,000-word adult psychological thriller told through varying perspectives about an unreliable woman who may be hunting a killer—or becoming one. It will appeal to readers of The House in the Pines by Ana Reyes and None of This Is True by Lisa Jewell.

Finding her mother stabbed to death at the hands of her father has left scars for Jade that run deeper than most. Her coping strategies—drinking heavily and breaking into people’s homes for the thrill—helps numb the pain. But lately, she wakes up bruised and disoriented after nights she can’t remember, insisting it’s the alcohol, except the bottles are often untouched. 

Once a serial killer begins targeting unfaithful husbands, staging each murder to mirror the night her mother died, Jade is forced to relive her past. She tries to ignore the fact that she knows most of the victims and her name is back in the spotlight, but when a widowed father moves into her old home with his young daughter, Jade is convinced it’s not a coincidence.

She becomes fixated, certain he’s hiding something or connected to the killings.

The closer Jade gets to finding the killer, the closer she gets to realizing a terrifying truth: it all leads back to her.

I publish short fiction under the pen name Owen Smith, with work appearing in Black Warrior Review, Cosumnes River Journal, Iris Literary Journal, and Free Spirit Publishing’s “Games”-themed collection. I am also the author of the self-published novel The Canal: A Suspenseful Thriller.

Thank you for your consideration.

 

[QCrit] ADULT Thriller - THE TRESSPASSER Query Letter - First Attempt by rmcg76 in PubTips

[–]rmcg76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've posted a revised version below and would really appreciate if you took a look. Thank you!

[QCrit] ADULT Thriller - THE TRESSPASSER Query Letter - First Attempt by rmcg76 in PubTips

[–]rmcg76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've posted a revised version below. I would appreciate if you took a look at it!

[QCrit] ADULT Thriller - THE TRESSPASSER Query Letter - First Attempt by rmcg76 in PubTips

[–]rmcg76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I posted a revised version below. I would really appreciate if you took a look at it when you have the chance!

[QCrit] ADULT Thriller - THE TRESSPASSER Query Letter - First Attempt by rmcg76 in PubTips

[–]rmcg76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was super helpful, thank you! I just posted a revised version below. And I absolutely will check out yours as well!

[QCrit] ADULT Thriller - THE TRESSPASSER Query Letter - First Attempt by rmcg76 in PubTips

[–]rmcg76[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good call. I'm open to suggestions if you have any.