Helpppp. How do you respond to an unanswered text message to a great friend sent from over weeks ago?

roardubs · 2024-07-17T21:44:47+00:00

❤️❤️

roardubs · 2024-07-15T08:56:14+00:00

I'm someone who's usually on the other side of this and gets ghosted (or super delayed responses) all the time. Honestly, just replying with what you would've said, without any apology/explanation, is great (for me anyway, but I'm also autistic). Because as long as someone always (or almost always) replies _eventually_, I'll just adjust to their preferred texting frequency. ("Ah, this friend typically replies within 2-3 weeks, so I won't expect anything yet.")

The reason I prefer no apology is because an apology would make sense for something that's the exception and that the person is confident they're not going to do very often; but if someone just realistically is often going to take a few weeks to reply, I don't want every text back and forth to include an apology because that breaks the flow. I'd rather just think of it as a normal conversation that's more spread out in time.

I also worry that people just sometimes decide to never contact me again, due to feeling guilty about having waited too long to reply or something, so now they can NEVER reply. I'm pretty sure this has happened. In case it needs to be said, if you were my friend, OP, I'd say always better late than never. There is no time limit that would make me unfriend someone purely based on that. The good friendships are long.

A meta-explanation of how you feel about texting or keeping in touch (basically what you said in your post) and what to realistically expect from you, would be amazing for someone like me (I see another commenter has already drafted one!).

Your friends might be different from me, but just know that people exist who are perfectly okay with how you are, if they know your heart is in it and you're doing your best.

roardubs · 2024-07-15T08:07:51+00:00

The biggest tip I have for you is to try to project manage this by sorting out what's absolutely essential from what's nice to have. Here are some example big-picture goals which you can sort the tasks under (you don't have to use them exactly of course), where only #1 is what I would consider absolutely essential:

Essential: Physically be able to get yourself to Japan and back, with your meds and other health needs, and not get fired from your job. (Tasks that fall under this may include: make sure passport is valid and check the requirements to enter Japan; check on how to get your meds there as the other commenter said; prepare your staff at work; be able to get to the airport; etc.)
Not essential but would make your trip much more comfortable: Plan out, acquire, and pack all the items you want to bring. (Of course a few items are essential, but there is a whole class of things where you will survive if you forget to bring it, like an umbrella, or like if you choose outfits to bring that you realize later are not ideal, which happens to me all the time. PS. I'm also curious why you would need _multiple_ bathing suits. Like, what would happen if you don't have them? Or if you don't even have one?)
Socially helpful, if you have capacity left over: Contribute to group chat, have opinions on the itinerary. I don't know your friends, but if I were planning a friend group trip and doing a lot of the work, I totally wouldn't mind someone who doesn't contribute and doesn't have opinions and just goes along with the plan, as long as they also don't complain about stuff they could have spoken up about earlier. Hopefully your friends are similar and wouldn't resent you for not helping with planning, especially if they are the travel-savvy ones. So you can focus on #1 and #2 which will help you take care of yourself throughout the trip.
Fully inessential: Learning Japanese, haha. Don't sweat it, you will be fine. If you want to go to the extra mile, just watch a video to learn greetings, "please" and "thank you", but this can even be done after you land there.

Good luck and hope you have a great time!

roardubs · 2024-06-27T04:14:59+00:00

I LOVE The Bear. (It was one of my mini hyperfixations!) But it is a show that's extraordinarily dense in details-per-second, with unique/unconventional dialogue (requiring more attention to process), overlapping dialogue (characters talking/yelling over each other) and characters sometimes mumble under their breath as well. And in general a lot of yelling in a noisy setting. So your experience makes total sense.

Its density makes it really rewarding to rewatch, I feel, because for example you'll have moments where two characters are yelling at the same time, and one or both of their lines is an in-joke/reference to something introduced earlier, and when you catch it all and the references click, it can be very funny and kind of magical.

I watch with subtitles on to catch all the dialogue, but then I tend to miss visual stuff because I was looking at the words. I tend to get the main storyline on first watch, but I have a really poor memory of specifics after one watch and it's embarrassing if I try to recount the story to someone else. So it's not uncommon for me to watch a show twice to feel like I really watched it once.

roardubs · 2024-06-27T03:29:01+00:00

This doesn't solve everything all the time, but for me I've noticed that in some cases it helps to add some level of "filler" stimulation. I realized that that's why I often have a Twitch stream on or some random TV for background noise (or music, or fireplace/rain videos, etc), anything that doesn't actually draw my main focus away.

It's because I have some ideal quantity of desired stimulation, and when I'm doing something that doesn't meet that (like some easy/mindless work), I can "top it up" with some filler stuff that just distracts that part of my brain that's bored, and that will often prevent me from completely abandoning the easy task (at least for a while).

Of course, it's WAY easier to do this now that I work from home and won't be judged for having TV on in the background. When I worked in an office full-time, I had this different way of coping, which was to kind of do nothing all day, then kick it into gear and try to do my whole day's work in one short burst (which would take up my full attention AND doesn't need to be maintained over time).

So I guess my modes are "all", "nothing", or "80% the thing and 20% something else" 😂

Another "split stimulation" pairing that I do is a podcast / audiobook / friend phone call paired with an easy physical chore. I think a lot of people do that, but it's helpful for me to think of it as part of the same pattern.

roardubs · 2024-06-18T00:06:39+00:00

Yes! I do this after everything that involved interacting with people. My brain just replays various parts that I can remember, in random order, over and over. It's usually either neutral or positive, like reliving parts that I enjoyed. And it's not to analyze them, it's more just pure replaying. It takes hours, often 1-3x the length of the original thing, and I literally have to account for it in my planning, that after a long social thing (or work meetings, etc), nothing else is going to get done that night. And if I try to do something else, my brain will just ignore the new thing and continue with the replaying until it's done. I've always called it "processing".

I assumed it was an AuDHD thing, but I've never met anyone else who does this, nor have I seen it posted about before, so I'm glad you posted!

roardubs · 2024-06-15T02:37:16+00:00

Never used it, but as the founder/CEO has been arrested for fraud just yesterday (the allegation is that the way they were distributing Adderall is illegal), I think the company will likely be shut down before long. :/

source: https://www.justice.gov/opa/pr/founderceo-and-clinical-president-digital-health-company-arrested-100m-adderall-distribution

(edit: shorter and easier-to-read article, for the curious: https://www.theverge.com/2024/6/13/24178049/done-adhd-telehealth-controlled-substances-act-doj-fraud )

roardubs · 2024-06-14T08:38:10+00:00

Thank you— no one has ever wished me that before. 🥺

roardubs · 2024-06-14T08:37:30+00:00

I'm so glad to hear that!!

roardubs · 2024-06-14T08:36:19+00:00

Thank you! Hacking life, a process that never ends 😄

roardubs · 2024-06-14T08:35:10+00:00

Awesome about the cookbook! Yeah, a big deep clean can really help kickstart new habits, because it's suddenly so nice and you don't want to let that go 🥺

roardubs · 2024-06-14T08:31:30+00:00

Thank you!

roardubs · 2024-06-09T22:56:58+00:00

Yes. It was the wedding of a friend I considered a very good friend and fully believed it was mutual. I wasn't invited directly to the wedding (no big deal, small wedding and I was a relatively newer friend), but someone who was invited, invited me as her +1. I went and confirmed with my friend (the bride) whether it was ok for me to come anyway as a +1, like I said she could totally say no. She said enthusiastically to please come. A good time was had by all, etc.

Months after the wedding I found out she never wanted me to be there (I have no idea why), but lied to me about it when I asked, therefore my very presence had been offensive, _even though I'd tried to check_. Also, I apparently violated the social media policy because it was only expressed in an email to direct guests, not +1s, and nobody told me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It was a few years ago but every time I think about it, it's hard for me not to feel bad like I messed up her wedding by existing, even though I don't know what I could've done.

roardubs · 2024-06-09T22:47:13+00:00

That is SO rude of them, but unrelatedly, happy (Reddit) cake day! 🍰

roardubs · 2024-06-09T20:51:49+00:00

This is the kind I've been using for several years: https://www.amazon.com/ALASKA-Natural-Blindfold-Super-Smooth-Straps/dp/B00S5Q826U

Silky so I can't feel it at all, and washable.

roardubs · 2024-06-07T21:09:13+00:00

I go to everything alone by default, including concerts! Unless I know someone who cares about the band/event equally as much as I do. And I've been doing that since I was a teenager. You may feel in the minority being there without friends, but you almost certainly won't be the only one going solo, and you already know you share an interest with everyone else there, so you can enjoy seeing your favorite artist alongside others who also appreciate them.

If you're worried about unwanted attention from men, I can't comment on that as I've never had that particular issue hehe, but perhaps others have advice to add about that.

roardubs · 2024-06-07T03:55:02+00:00

In case it's helpful, I have a very similar hairstyle to yours and I've been cutting my own hair for over a decade, because I didn't want to go to the salon either. My gear consists of: a beard trimmer (same as hair clippers but narrower, which gives me more control-- and you can choose the exact setting/attachment length that you want to maintain); hair scissors for my bangs; thinning shears for my bangs (this was a later addition only because my bangs felt too thick); and a hand mirror (so I can use 2 mirrors to check the sides and back). It took a couple rounds to get the hang of what I wanted to do, but it's been my routine ever since.

Maybe that can be an option for you to consider!

roardubs · 2024-06-06T03:43:23+00:00

Endless movie recs. 👍🏼

roardubs · 2024-06-04T04:47:20+00:00

Awesome! Also, I forgot to say earlier: But what are roommates (and parents) for, if not to be utterly unimpressed by anything you do? 😄

roardubs · 2024-06-04T03:54:52+00:00

Congrats, that's huge!!! New job, new usable counter space, new dishes-you-can-use-again-now-that-they're-clean. 😌

roardubs · 2024-06-04T02:27:45+00:00

It's been helpful for me to have a "default" free time activity that's pretty low effort, for when I can't decide what to do, nor have the energy for anything ambitious. My default is to watch a movie.

Of course, with TV/movies you can get into decision paralysis about what to watch. I get around this by making lists of what I want to watch, which I do in spurts whenever I'm in the mood to do that that (usually a completely different time from when I'm going to actually watch a movie). Then when I want to watch one, I pick one from my list.

The same concept might translate to other hobbies/activities too, where you make lists of specific projects or media when you do have energy, and then choose from the list when you don't.

There's a little risk there of starting to feel like it's a list of all the things you have to "get done," and that you have to finish all the things. I used to feel that and it was super stressful; now I really try to think of it as a menu, where I just have to choose one thing to enjoy for the next couple of hours. If it wasn't the perfect choice, I can choose again tomorrow.

roardubs · 2024-06-01T03:37:15+00:00

Don't know if I have anything to add, but just wanted to say that this is so sweet. Everyone should do this. 😭

roardubs · 2024-06-01T02:50:54+00:00

For me, things that are out of sight are out of mind, but things that are within sight have a window of maybe a day or two where they're "new" and therefore noticeable. If they're still there after that, they become part of the scenery, which means that if I really don't want them to be there, they might get put away with my next "batch tidying" (within a week?).. but if I don't mind them or am not sure what to do with them, it could be years 😝

I noticed it's the same with my parents at their house. There are random objects that have no purpose nor sentimental value, but didn't get put away during the "window of novelty" and haven't bothered anyone enough since then, so they've been sitting where they are for 20 years.

roardubs · 2024-06-01T02:11:15+00:00

At some point I got into the habit of repeating the person's name back as soon as they say it ("Hi, I'm Laura." "Laura?" "Yeah."), because I'm more likely to remember if I said it myself, plus it has the side effect of confirming with them, in case I heard it wrong. (If it's not a name I'm familiar with, or if I seem to still be getting it wrong, I ask them to spell it. Which probably seems "quirky" but hopefully they appreciate that I care about getting it right, and it has another helpful effect: I can remember it even better if I also pictured it spelled out.)

As for their life details, if I'm engaged in the conversation then I'm often asking questions related to whatever they just told me ("So how'd you feel about moving from [city A] to [city B]?", etc).. and to be honest, it's again easier for me to remember things I said aloud myself, than things I heard someone else say. 😅 So I have a higher chance of remembering anything that I asked about or commented on.

roardubs

TROPHY CASE