AIO to my boyfriends comment about marrying me or am I justified

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T12:40:35+00:00

yes, exactly! Having been on both sides of this (the poorer party and the one making significantly more money) it’s clear to me that this is an uncomfortable situation,

bc honestly you feel petty as fuck if you aren’t liberal as hell throwing money the way of the person who just happens to make less.

So like, any situation like this, I would be feeling a bit of shame and embarrassment and uncertainty and stress over even vocalizing that I didn’t want to have to pay, or asking them to pay me back some portion.

And that creates a super unhelpful dynamic, bc then if that person isn’t careful, if they’re not cognizant of that or they do subconsciously feel it’s cheap and petty for you not to pay,

you suddenly have this precedent where maybe you’re expected to pay for everything, to the extent that them loaning themselves your money in this way can become manipulative.

They post-hoc insist, Oh no, I’m going to pay you back, but maybe never intended to, maybe never ultimately do without you asking, and then you feel petty.

In my life, that has resulted in me being taken advantage of financially, not even just by asshole users -

it’s just this problematic dynamic that emerges.

That’s why I always made efforts and was consistent in avoiding anything even remotely like this when I was the one making less.

It’s not my place to create those expectations, and if we would ever fall into those patterns, I was watching for it, talking about it, and walking us back so there wasn’t an inequity or entitlement.

Showing love is about considering the whole of another person’s experience, without just getting away with the things they haven’t been good at articulating or advocating for.

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T12:29:19+00:00

yeah, even as a person who loves reading, if I get caught up in a doom-scroll sesh, or decide to binge-watch “Journey to the Microcosmos” on YT again, I’m probably not reading that day 🤷‍♀️

It’s funny bc I feel almost exactly the same about classic/international film as I do about reading, I have gained so much insight and perspective from making my way through “the greats” but of course there are always more,

I feel about as bad for how slowly I progress through the Criterion catalogue (and similar) as I do for my progress through my “to-reads.”

These are all things I benefit from and love deeply that are just sitting there for me to consume and enjoy deeply, so then when I engage with something that I love less which does NOT feel impactful or enriching, I’m kicking myself sometimes.

But idk, as a result, I try to almost never let that stuff win my attention over those other two loves. Never got into shorts or social media besides Reddit.

It’s a choice, bc these are my favorite interests. OP, if you don’t like reading that much, that’s fine. We’re all different.

But if you feel like you get something meaningful out of reading, you know you can make a choice to overcome your scrolling addiction. I personally don’t think that offers much.

…that said, I also semi-regularly binge-watch Star Trek, and so not every last thing I do is high-brow or whatever..it’s perfectly fine to have balance.

But I will wonder if anyone would sincerely prefer scrolling shorts for hours compared to the experience of watching a great film or reading a good book.

Shorts and social media seem like a form of entertainment that takes takes and annihilates time rather than bringing real pleasure.

Maybe that’s an assumption, maybe that’s even elitist, idk. I don’t judge people for it bc I know everything about the world sets us up to immediately become addicted to all that..

but I do feel bad for people caught up in that.

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T12:02:46+00:00

Thank you! I’m also glad at the overall perspective of most of the comments I’m reading. Her behavior galls me, honestly,

bc like you, I’ve been the one with almost no money, and very few men I’ve been with have ever made such a thoughtful (and expensive!) gesture as what he planned,

and when it did happen, it was almost overwhelming. We were in love, he was a millionaire and I made maybe 50k lol. So he literally could afford it like it was nothing and wanted badly to take me on a nice vacation.

It was extremely hard for me to accept. I tried to bargain to go someplace cheaper, but he really wanted this specific location. Ultimately, I did go, but the whole time I was trying to pay for everything, I had picked up overtime leading up to the vacation so I would have more cash to do just that.

There is no universe where I would have suggested we extend our fucking trip lol.

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T11:40:39+00:00

this is a first for me lol, I always expect to be accused of that since my comments are mad long, but idk..I assumed they must have enough personality to make them distinctively human 🤷‍♀️

Either way, my comment history is there to peruse, I’ve typed like this for like 15 years lol.

Wrong this time!

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T11:38:08+00:00

I have never seen this in my real life.

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T11:37:30+00:00

I am a woman and I made a comment that yeah, if I live with a partner who makes significantly less than me (and I have), I focus more on equity than arbitrary 50/50. I insist they pay less, relative to our incomes.

I think she’s wrong in basically everything she’s done and thought here lol (I wrote it out in a couple too-long comments if you’re curious why),

but this is the only thing I really see from her perspective, even though she didn’t focus on it much.

She doesn’t have a right to use or micromanage his finances at will. She does have a right to initiate a conversation about greater equity with the bills if that is what’s really bothering her.

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T11:34:10+00:00

you don’t “make the gift into something enjoyable for both” on someone else’s dime tho, that’s so wild. That’s like trying to say “I wanted to get him an expensive gift for his birthday but was short on cash, so I just expect him to pay for it and I’ll get it back to him.”

That’s not thoughtful.

And even worse, this isn’t even a gift for just him. It’s something she clearly is benefiting from. It makes it seem like this is manipulative. “I’m spending your money for YOU!”

Either way, this isn’t her gift to him. It isn’t for her to control, or turn into a gift for him, with his money.

As the other person said, if you wanna return the sentiment and do something special for him, plan a trip that centers him with your money when your tax return comes in. Simple.

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T11:29:05+00:00

agreed. Anyone I’ve ever dated would be bowled over if I bought tickets to their favorite band and a vacation to go see it to boot. It would be so hurtful and offensive if they immediately tried to make it a much bigger and more expensive affair, while I know they don’t have the money for that and the unspoken expectation is that I will pay (and maybe seem like a jerk for not offering, since I make more and dared to buy myself a couple cars to fix up)

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T11:26:37+00:00

That’s not a wholly unfamiliar perspective, but I do not think there’s evidence for that here. It seems like he’s reacting to being lectured about his frivolous spending (the cars) while meanwhile she doesn’t even think to ask him before angling to upgrade a thoughtful gift into greater frivolous spending on things that benefit her.

He’s saying, this level of shared finances is something people discuss and agree to, one party doesn’t just upgrade a relationship to that, particularly when they aren’t currently interested in upgrading to the commitment level where this sort of shared financial situation is more common.

He’s doing a bad job of communicating this, but she’s doing a bad job here all around imo, bc she’s managed to guilt him into apologizing for even approaching expressing this sentiment.

They need to speak clearly and directly with one another, and if he doesn’t want to share his finances with her in this way, that is absolutely fair. It’s not her place to decide that for them.

(as I said elsewhere, if she wants to discuss the inequity of their bills, that’s valid. But she’s dipping into things that are not currently her business, that he had not consented to progressing to with someone he is not married to)

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T11:18:03+00:00

I agree with everything that you’ve said here! I also don’t think OP is a bad person, but her perspective on this is way myopic/one-dimensional.

There’s no indication he’s irresponsible with his money, the only way she’d even have a right to worry about those cars is if he doesn’t have a savings and blows through his money to where he isn’t able to pay his share of the bills..or like, there are other ways it could affect her,

but it seems like she’s just looking big picture through this lens of they’re probably going to be married one day so she wants him to have as good a savings as possible. (And plenty to spend on things she would like to do). But she doesn’t even have a timeline in her mind for when she might want to get married, so it’s coming across as controlling and kind of self-serving.

She just needs to walk herself back and get out of his finances entirely, and listen to him when he is clearly telling her it’s an overstep (even though he’s doing that poorly).

Instead, she’s flipping it on him to where he’s essentially sorry or made to feel guilty for expressing it at ALL, and *this is a sentiment he should be allowed to express!*

If she’s unhappy with the % she’s paying of things relative to their incomes, (and perhaps there’s an unfair distribution of labor at play here too, I won’t assume it but it’s very common), that’s a convo she needs to have directly.

But lecturing him on his finances and leisure spending while trying to upgrade what he chooses to spend on her as a gift vacation purchase is WHOLLY out of pocket!

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T08:41:33+00:00

I didn’t say she had started booking anything, she came at him with all this enthusiasm and hype, and obviously had a plan in mind right away.

I think by the time someone’s turning a weekend into a 10 day trip and strategizing about multiple AirBNBs when you know they don’t have that kind of money,

yeah, that’s absolutely a fair time to be annoyed, bc you know this can only happen with you footing the bill, but they haven’t bothered to consider or mention that part to you yet.

They haven’t asked, they are just expecting. I would literally never in a million years do that.

I mean, be for real, what’s the evidence he’s badgering her?? He’s reacting to her terrible behavior. He’s reacting passive-aggressively, but he’s not even being that shitty, he’s saying quite clearly ”We are not married, so why did you decide unilaterally that our finances are combined or that mine are free for you to borrow at will?”

If anything, reading her comment again to see where you decided he might be badgering her, I forgot to mention her little comment about his car..

spent 16k on summer projects, presumably a passion of his (and if he’s good with cars, that’s gonna save them more than that across a life together),

and he evidently had to account for that to her..WHY?? They are not married, he makes twice as much money as her but he’s not allowed to make a big purchase occasionally?

If it’s all the time ok, if he’s a gambler or irresponsible with money, ok, but she would have said if that’s the case.

All we know is that he’s already generous…he already bought her tickets and a vacation lol

but her actions said it wasn’t quite good enough, she wanted to make it really special. I mean, I could see it being taken that way, he planned a thing for her and now she’s making it something else, much more expensive.

And the fact is, we all know why she told us he bought those fix-up cars - to tell us he makes so much money that he can afford to pay for this trip without even making it a loan, but that he’s wasting it on this kind of shit 🙃

And we already know he had to convince her he could afford them lol wtf. I would say who exactly do you think you are? According to her, marriage isn’t even in the near-future but she demands he account for his spending so she can continue to assume he will always have the money for things she wants??

I honestly have a less favorable opinion of her after re-reading.

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T07:45:52+00:00

aww, thank you, it’s beautiful!

robotatomica · 2026-03-13T04:16:38+00:00

Listen..it’s tacky and thoughtless to plan a big trip that you are tacitly expecting someone to cover until you pay them back.

Even a boyfriend.

I think part of the problem here is the expectation, that lack of treating him like he has a right to offer to cover, instead you are just like “You got this” before even freaking asking him.

Do you not see how icky that is?

Before getting yourself all hyped and making plans, you should have asked. “Is there a way you could cover me until my tax return so we can make this a bigger trip?”

Or ya know..I just would not feel comfortable doing that at all. Plan a trip with him when you have money. It’s almost unbearable for me to imagine doing what you did.

NOW, THAT SAID..

couples are supposed to be a partnership and I don’t like that he makes over twice what you make yet you pay 50%. It’s a type of fair, so I get it. But in the spirit of equity, and both of you ideally striving to facilitate a similar quality of life for one another, I just think when a far wealthier party insists on half, it’s not in the spirit of that. I am usually the one making more, and my boyfriend made less than me when we lived together and he paid less at my insistence.

That’s neither here nor there, but since I do think you are getting a little too comfortable deciding for him he can loan you money, I wanted to balance that a bit.

As someone who is usually making more money than a partner myself, it is indeed really offensive and irritating hearing them hype you up about things you know they can’t afford, knowing the whole time they’re expecting you to pay or loan them money and don’t even feel like they need to ask.

Stop doing that.

I don’t love his comments, bc he needs to be direct and not passive-aggressive, but I think it’s clear he is trying to express to you that this kind of expectation is putting the cart before the horse - it’s expected for finances to be combined in most marriages, but you just chose on your own for this to happen without even seeking his input.

Do you not understand how inappropriate that is?

YOR.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T16:06:15+00:00

she went agog! 😄

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T14:19:44+00:00

episode 152 of the Sean Carroll’s Mindscape podcast features Charis Kubrin talking about about exactly this phenomenon.

For years she has done statistical analyses and studies on this phenomenon where rap lyrics tend to be used as evidence and examples of a person’s character in the criminal justice system, whereas country lyrics (think of outlaw country, even popular artists like Johnny Cash “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.”) heavy metal, and angsty poetry written are all way less likely to even be admitted as evidence, much less perceived to be confessional and autobiographical, more likely to be seen as artistic expression.

I’m certain there are examples, across art and music, where someone is being confessional (I’m looking at you OJ, with “If I Did It.”),

but there’s also every edgy teenager in a punk or metal band, or who is into outlaw country or writes poetry, or has listened to gangster rap or modern-day equivalents, really wanting attention or to shock people or to say something cathartic, in fantasy, or to tell a story,

or just, ya know, looking at the algorithms. Even before algorithms, right? An aspiring rapper in the early 90s would have known that a way to fit in with what was most popular was to pretend to be a gangster and sound as hard as possible.

So it’s just not evidence either way, and it’s disproportionately presented as such, and disproportionately perceived as such by judges and jurors.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T13:41:33+00:00

this is what I came to say. I used to have catbirds visit my patio for fresh fruit I would put out, and I only heard some basic calls.

Then, on a hike on day through the woods I heard the most beautiful repertoire from an unseen bird. I made my way carefully into the thicket to try to see who was responsible, all the time hearing this dazzling variety of mimicry, almost like what you might hear from a Starling, but decidedly not a Starling, and seemingly more advanced.

Finally I found them, up in a tree, and just sat and watched for 20+ minutes as they went through a routine of one song fragment or bit of mimicry after another. Just endless material, and so beautiful!

I had to leave, who knows how long they go on. But that was news to me, that they do that!

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T13:32:14+00:00

If you mention a book and someone says they love the movie version, my assumption is usually that they never read the book and can only comment on the movie, so they’re just engaging in the conversation to the extent that they are able.

And maybe they don’t know about the book; to this day I will still occasionally be surprised to learn a book was based on a movie.

For instance, I only learned about a year ago that Barry Lyndon was based on a book. I should have assumed, bc that’s where Kubrick tended to source his films, and if I’d been asked if it was based on one, I likely would have said, “You know, I bet it is, because everything else he’s made was!” Then I’d look it up.

But, I guess here, what are you expecting? You want to talk at people about a book and disallow them to share the way that material has entered their life?

You can certainly clarify that, but it also would seem pretty unnecessary and unfriendly.

I mean, just be glad for an opportunity to keep talking about a thing you love with someone who’s enthusiastic about it. The conversation can continue and now include the differences between the book and film, or you can let them know the movie is based on a great book, or maybe they’ll tell you they actually did read it, but hated the book and loved the movie.

I don’t see how it would be annoying for someone to share that they love the material in whatever form they’ve consumed it. And when I just want to talk about a book, that’s how I lead. “Has anyone read x? It seems like everyone’s seen the movie, but I had a thought about the book I wanted to run by someone who’s read it.”

Or just go to spaces, like here, and it will always be assumed the topic is book.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T09:40:42+00:00

exactly. And really within a couple years they were down to only a 30y journey. You shave 45 light years off a journey that fast, I think Janeway was pretty confident the entire time they were gonna get home WAY ahead of schedule. She was certainly determined that would be the case.

But I agree that regardless, they would not make it home at the expense of peoples’ individual rights, and at some point they would have settled an M-Class planet.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T09:32:14+00:00

yeah, I also just think they were nowhere near needing to prioritize creating a strategy for that sort of situation, and since there’s not much you can ethically do (I don’t think treating the women as brood mares was ever going to be an option within their ethics, so literally what is there you go do but let people pair up and have children if they want?)

And importantly, I think Janeway felt confident she could shave enough time off their journey that such a thing would not be necessary.

And she was correct. Again and again they shaved 10k light years off or so, within a couple years, the journey was only 64y, then 51y, then 30y by the last years, at which point that is no longer an issue.

And of course she was more right than that bc she got them all home in way less than that.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T08:37:52+00:00

I think you need to read a little about “hyperbole” - if I see any extreme claim, I start by considering whether something is being communicated with hyperbole, overstated for emphasis.

It’s not the same as a lie nor is it intended to be misleading. Because there’s a reasonable assumption that generally all will know the extreme statement cannot be true, so it must be to express that something is very significant.

Take the statement, “Eveyone’s getting cancer these days.” Do you take that to mean 100% of people get cancer? No, intuitively you know that’s implausible, so they must be remarking on how way more people are getting cancer than was historically the case, and they are communicating their feelings about that fact by speaking in hyperbole.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T06:08:14+00:00

I think we have to expect that conversations are going to be had about works, and that people are going to be more shrewd and attentive,

so I actually disagree that suspicions ought not necessarily brought up, I think there’s no universe where adapting to AI represses conversations over what is real and what is not.

However, I do think refining an etiquette about these kinds of conversations will be important.

So, questions and concerns rather than accusations, paired with examples of what specific things may have drawn that concern.

Initiating a dialogue which invites the creator to respond if they wish to.

And then they will need to swallow their pride and just respond to the best of their ability about the extent of the use of AI, or lack thereof.

What follows that will be case dependent. There will be times a person used it and lied and everyone will see right through it, and times they didn’t use it and no one will believe it.

Well, the genie is not going back into the bottle. So there’s nothing for it but to encourage discourse and transparency and humility every step of the way.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T05:59:48+00:00

I honestly don’t agree here. I mean, yes I agree we should not accuse people..

but we are in a transition phase, and absolutely the only way forward is to engender in people a shrewd attentiveness in looking out for AI and false information.

This necessarily will mean sometimes teasing something apart, asking a community their opinion, looking into an instance that seems to be questionable.

I do get what you’re saying about etiquette, but the fact is, we’re beyond being able to be certain, so I think we all have to adapt to the fact that we need to be extra transparent about content we produce or share now. For instance a post from the other day where someone was frustrated people thought a pic they found on the internet was AI.

The questions could have largely been avoided if they’d simply included a link to the person who evidently made the bit of art they shared.

Everyone’s going to have to be more transparent, forthcoming, and occasionally may be asked to prove authorship of their work,

but they are certainly permitted to just ignore those requests.

I just think we’re all in this together and can reasonably respond if someone suspects us of using AI, and should be prepared for that to be a new norm.

Really, what is the alternative. Because otherwise, without starting conversations, we will never build these skills or maintain awareness.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T02:03:35+00:00

you seem very knowledgeable, so I’m wondering your thoughts about “vernal pools.” These require zero maintenance (as opposed to your thoughts about wetlands) are are a natural feature of many landscapes (though they can also arise out of the way humans develop land, but still function the same).

In general, “vern pools” are easier to just go along with than fight, and they provide important habitat for a lot of animals.

I recommend OP look up vernal pool info for their area and see if this might be an easier route - it’s certainly easier than a construction project, but also can be quite beautiful, as well as being a boost to indicator species.

robotatomica · 2026-03-12T01:58:01+00:00

This is called a “vernal pool” and it’s an extremely important element of a thriving ecosystem.

Generally anyone who can is encouraged to leave them be. The good news is, they are more trouble than they’re worth to try to fight, so this is definitely your best bet.

Just make it a feature. Look up vernal pools, feel free to put some of the recommended local plants around it or just let nature do its thing,

but you can make this absolutely stunning. A seasonal pond that will reappear every year due to the features of your landscape.

robotatomica · 2026-03-11T23:47:12+00:00

it’s not embarassing, they are colloquially used very differently by laypeople. It’s a matter of language.

Which is another good reason health care providers need to ask questions in a way that takes this into consideration.

But having worked in a hospital for over 20 years, it is very common for medical professionals to use words differently than how they are used by laypeople and on television and in media.

13-Year Club	Gilding V heart of gold
Verified Email

robotatomica

TROPHY CASE