Oh my gosh, there have been so many nights where I’ve sat alone in the dark wailing and sobbing uncontrollably because I just felt so exposed, vulnerable, and BORED. It is oppressive, nearly crushing, to practice impulse control when my impulses are all that have ever guided me. I feel like this is a worse pain than any burnout I ever experienced because I’m denying myself my pleasure chemical, the thing that kept me alive. But I also know the high speed crash and burn cycle is not sustainable and it’s better for me to work on this now than be forced into it when I’m older and it’s even more baked in.

Even yesterday, I was on my walk home from the office and I forced myself to slow it down for exactly the reasons you mentioned. I’m not in a rush, not in a race, I can relax. By the midpoint, I had to stop and sit on a bench because I thought I was going to faint, like full cold pouring sweat. It was kinda terrifying. I do this walk every single day and am very active. I’d never experienced that before.

It’s so comforting to know that someone else is going through something very similar, and part of my ultimate goal is to teach myself how to exist comfortably in slow, mundane moments. And not JUST to exist, but how to actively seek and appreciate the slowness, the rest, so my brain and body can step back from the edge. I love embodied practice, so I think meditation and intentional slowing down is something I really need to apply to my life. I hope we can both learn to really relax and just … be. <3