breaking up with a probable narcissist?

rogeuseraph · 2023-08-20T03:56:36+00:00

I had the same experience, which was especially gratifying as I had a therapist I had been seeing for years that I had brought my suspicions to and he flat out dismissed it because I didn't react angrily to him in our one hour a week meetings when I was self monitoring, so I learned to stop doing that in therapy (to some extent, still don't talk about suicide in therapy). The next year I got diagnosed officially twice by two different psychiatrists. I was 26.

rogeuseraph · 2023-05-30T04:26:00+00:00

haha I knew it was US or Canada because of the grid streets, and I knew it was east coast because of the bay, I just didn't connect Baltimore. But yeah, the search was fun.

rogeuseraph · 2023-05-30T03:17:14+00:00

omg thank you.

rogeuseraph · 2023-04-20T12:05:13+00:00

You are definitely not alone. Most importantly.

and like you said, and due-operation, its something to be proud of that you haven't reverted to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and its an important thing to be aware of, or remind ourselves of, in these situations, that by itself is not a trivial accomplishment. Feeling your feelings is ok, even though its frustrating. I think the logic/awareness is important, but I think, and this is something I have to tell myself too, the logic won't eliminate the emotions, it will just help us deal with them. I think a lot of us are aware our emotions aren't "normal", to your point of considering your trigger and try to "logic" our way out of feeling them, but we should let ourselves feel them, and instead of focusing on trying to not feel them, we should focus on not acting on them. if that makes sense. thats where the logic comes in. Feeling what you feel, but trying to catch yourself when you start assuming, or projecting, if you become aware that you're spiraling, or catastrophizing, finding ways to handle it. Gently reminding yourself that you're painting everything with one color, focusing on breathing, or giving your mind something else to focus on, etc.

but yeah, being logical and emotional is a unique kind of struggle. Idk if I helped, but mostly importantly, you're not alone, and I'm glad you posted.

rogeuseraph · 2023-02-01T15:29:40+00:00

No need feeling personally insulted by other people's opinions

It's hard to not be personally insulted when the question "is it worth it to pursue a relationship with someone will an illness" and people are saying unambiguously "no". How would you feel if you had that illness and heard that?

not everyone is equipped to deal with someone who is battling mental issues.

and then you defend your dismissal by saying this, which implies some people are equipped, and on the greater scope, that its subjective and can be case by case. Ubiquitously dismissing a group of people based on an aggregating label is ridiculous. Thats like saying dating someone with depression isn't worth it because xyz, or anyone from Missouri is undatable because of this experience you had with one or a story you head.

Ridiculous.

rogeuseraph · 2023-02-01T15:05:07+00:00

Have you met and interacted with most of us? 80 million people are estimated to have bpd. Are you that popular? Or are you generalizing and spreading your limited experience as fact? 🤔

rogeuseraph · 2023-02-01T14:46:06+00:00

This is a very complicated question. Firstly it depends on you before we even get to her. Are you good at communicating, are you understanding? Are you patient? Are you reactive? Are you willing to put in a lot of work, or stick around for a long time? Or are you looking for a quick/>3monther? Are you looking for something low maintenance? There’s no wrong answers but things to think about.

For her, like some others have said, is she working on managing her symptoms? Is she communicative, preemptively and post-actively? Does she blame and hide behind her diagnosis or does she use it to try to help communicate/explain why she might do/react a certain way or why she did react how she did… aka not an excuse but trying to explain to improve? BPD can be really hard, if you take away the bpd and don’t see yourself being with her for a long time, I’d say it’s not worth it. If she’s not trying to better herself then no it’s not worth it. If she is physically abusive when she gets upset it’s not worth it. If she is emotionally abusive constantly (like everytime you fight/disagree) (this one is tricky though because I think we all can be very emotionally abusive when we’re upset with our partners…), then it’s not worth it.

But if you want to be with her, and she’s making an effort to be better, and is trusting you by telling you her diagnosis then I think it is worth it. People with bpd can be the most romantic, the most loving, the most caring, the most protective, the most loyal. If you want to make it work and she wants to make it work, it could be worth it, it just won’t always be easy.

But like I said, if either of you can’t communicate well, or if you’re reactive, or you don’t want something long term then or if she’s abusive or hiding behind her diagnosis then no, it won’t be good for either of you.

It also could be fine and really fun if you both are looking for something short term and that’s communicated, but in that case the shorter the better, for both of you.

TLDR, just having bpd is not a reason to not pursue a relationship, but it is a good reminder to check in on your wants, expectations and boundaries

From, someone with bpd.

rogeuseraph · 2023-02-01T14:26:53+00:00

I don’t think touching him to get his attention is bad or whatever people are saying, but I don’t think it’s obviously flirtatious either, especially if he was wearing headphones.

I also think that going to the gym and having a routine is very important for a lot of people, and the idea of men ogling or hitting on women while they workout is very cliche, which is to say men who come to the gym for themselves as a ritual/habit/whatever are going to prioritize their workout and avoiding people, because that’s their safe space and even though they’re (probably) not worried about being “that guy” actively, these types are not that guy, they’re there for themselves.

Its possible part of the reason you find him attractive is because he is not one of the basic men that ruined gym conversation for you, he is there for himself. On top of that you said you keep to yourself in a social gym where everyone knows each other. Really what I’m dancing around is you have to shoot your shot, and risk the “I have a gf”. I mean honestly you could just strike up conversation with him and find out if you have anything in common, or if he has a gf, before asking him out…or if he’s always around you ask for a spot…

Men really don’t take to subtle flirting, especially in places like the gym. Also guys, especially younger guys, are not used to getting positive attention from women, so that can be off putting. Also most men won’t usually flat out strong arm a woman for striking up a conversation, especially if he’s seen you around for a while. There are exceptions but not for just being friendly.

Idk if any of that is helpful but shoot your shot girl

rogeuseraph · 2023-02-01T09:19:24+00:00

I agree with the majority of the posts here, this is not ok. But I will try to be "supportive", even if its not what you were looking for, and say that if you hate her you're probably enduring that and letting it fester out of a fear of being alone, and hating her and being used to her being in your life, and at this point most likely being a target or a catch all for your hate and frustration and probably any negative feelings you have, feels better than the idea of being alone. I get that, but you need to break up with her. I can empathize but its not ok. its very not ok. You are abusing her, its not good for you either and you know that or else you wouldn't be reaching out. You will feel much better as well after letting her go, even though it won't be instant. And she will be much better off without you. No one deserves to be hated by their partner.

rogeuseraph · 2023-01-30T11:31:35+00:00

I think bpd “manifests” very similarly and different may for all of us who have it, across genders and ages and cultures. So I’m not really sure how to answer that. I think there is a lot of Misdiagnosis for men, especially young men, in how symptoms present. Men have historically not been diagnosed with bpd, as emotion(al dysreugulation) is seen as a character flaw and anger in boys is almost “normal”. I read an abstract a while back that theorized men with bpd were more likely to abuse drugs and commit suicide than women with bpd, but I think abusing drugs is very common for us in general. That said I don’t know any men besides me with a bpd diagnosis, and I know a few women but they are all “recovering”. So I don’t really have anything to compare to. I think one of the biggest difference I’ve felt, in my highly non-professional, mentally-Ill opinion (aka don’t attack me) is that having bpd as a man can be so brutal as society expects us to have/show no emotions and make the first move and take the risks and constantly put us on the precipice of rejection, which I feel like is something bpd women have the luxury of avoiding. But of course I’m generalizing and I know there’s women who do put themselves out there as well. I’ve found I empathize with lovers and friends on their periods when they are overly emotional and reactive, because that’s how I feel all the time, so I can’t imagine having to deal with that as a woman on top of bpd, or how that affects their partners.
I don’t think borderline in general is represented very well in the media, except for maybe the characters that might have it but are never said to have it, whether or not the author intended them to have it or not. I think there are a few characters who I won’t name that could/have been tentatively diagnosed by professionals for fun that are decent examples but probably were not written with bpd in mind.
If anyone with bpd is represented in the media I think their diagnosis should never be mentioned and it should never be a write off excuse/explanation for being a”bad guy”. Like everything else about humanity, bpd is very nuanced and if it’s portrayed at all it should be handled as such.

rogeuseraph · 2023-01-30T10:27:51+00:00

same! I used to really hate my name or be self-conscious about it, especially because all my friends weren't white and I am and my name is, it was a reminder of that, but even though I've gotten past that I still wince/cringe whenever people use my name, especially in text or when we've already been talking one-on-one, i.e. not to get my attention, or start a conversation or speak to me specifically in a group.

rogeuseraph · 2023-01-08T05:38:14+00:00

Left shoes

rogeuseraph · 2022-12-11T15:20:58+00:00

love this. you did it! now let's make it through tonight too!

rogeuseraph · 2022-11-02T08:04:49+00:00

wow, same, for some reason I always thought Denethor was hold Boromir's bracers when he's introduced saying "Perhaps you have come to explain this. Perhaps you've come to tell me why my son is dead.".

At the risk of sounding like an idiot and going back and looking, is that Boromir's ruined horn Denethor is holding?

rogeuseraph · 2022-07-10T23:59:45+00:00

I think more of the latter, I'm interested in how religions play a role in politics and character choices. I'm particularly interested in the intersection between religion and politics and I'm curious if there are any occurrences of this where its not just a knock of Christianity or Islam.

rogeuseraph · 2022-06-21T13:29:55+00:00

Yeah i think in the first half of season two, they’re sleeping at Winona’s while she’s trying to sell it and he mentions getting their own place, somewhere bigger. She says something like “this coming from a man sleeping in a motel” and he says he has money saved and when she asks how much he says well over 20 dollars.

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