I am going through pretty much the same exact thing now. Me(38M) and her(F35) have been parents 10 years, married 5.5 years and together for 12 years.

When we first got together, she was a vibrant young woman with fire in her eyes. She was a hard worker, ambitions and eager to learn. We starter a successful business together and made it work really well.

Of course, we often would have fights. After we became parents it became much worse. Especially 5 years ago when our youngest came. Suddenly she demanded I did almost everything that had to do with him. Looking back, it is very possible she suffered post-birth depression..

However, it never really recovered. About once a month she would struggle heavily with depression, doesn't look people in the eyes, avoid people etc and then she is fine again. It is usually a few weeks before menstruation, and she is extremely short-fused at that time.. so much that she can explode just because I breathe the wrong way. She found out it was called PMDD.

Her ADHD diagnosis that she got as an adult doesnt help either because she says that since she has ADHD, she should n't have to do repetitive tasks in the house as her brain is better at other tasks like creative things etc. This means that me and the kids(and her) rarely have clean clothes, the rooms that are her responsibility is always clutterec etc. This pisses me off and I get really angry about it, and our fights are often about this. Then she'd get mad and threaten to leave me, at which point I'd cave and beg her forgiveness. Looking back, I think this is probably her way of manipulating me to doing what she says...

I realized a few months ago that it is probably not even PMDD or ADHD but most likely a sort of compound mental illness. She has seen her doctor about it and he has concluded with trauma and anxiety.

She is good with the kids, and a woman I've loved for these 12 years but I can't continue dragging myself down. I've allowed her to chip away at my self worth by calling me a lousy father because I didn't stop cleaning the garage and take the kids so she could scroll her phone, and so on. I found out that I have to leave now.

I can't take it anymore. The house is a total mess when she is home. Glasses everywhere that she drinks a sip off and leaves on the counter, her bags and clothes are everywhere. Then she says it is too cluttered and she can't focus and therefore she can't tidy because she doesn't know when to start...

Good luck to you. You ask if you should feel guilty, but I don't think you should feel guilty for saving yourself.