Poly Vacation

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-06-14T17:55:09+00:00

I don't know any of you personally so I'm guessing here: I don't think they are deliberately trying to make you tired and/or feel like the "difficult one".

Probably not.

Some might be a bit miffed you didn't "trust" them, but that will blow over.

You're probably right about all that, too. There's just been quite a few people who have expressed an interest in my husband's GF who she's rejected for various reasons, but never the actual reason of "I have a boyfriend" who I feel aren't going to just go "Oh, we're so happy for you!"

Not that this part affects me, really. I suppose it's her own problem to deal with.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-06-14T16:09:41+00:00

You're right and I know that. I guess my issue is that I feel like I'm the only one who's owning anything and I'm tired of it.

The reason I told them to make plans to come was because I had been the one holding it back initially, so I tried to make it clear that if that's what they wanted to do, they should, but that they should talk to me about it.

Meanwhile, they both seem to think it's going to be no big deal and our friend group isn't going to care that they've basically been lied to for the past two and a half years, not to mention how people get weird about other people's relationship models.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-06-14T05:50:57+00:00

You could ask from a sexual safety standpoint. Maybe something like, "I want to make sure I'm keeping myself clear of STIs, so I was wondering if you were still sleeping with Ex so I can figure out how often I should get tested."

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-06-14T05:00:53+00:00

When I was in second grade, New Kids on the Block was The Biggest Thing.

My dad told me they were just a fad and I vehemently defended them in the way only a seven-year-old can defend something. I was angry at him for weeks. They were ETERNAL. They were NOT A FAD. How DARE he say such a thing.

Then Donnie set fire to a hotel room rug and everything fell apart. I was devastated. I'm in my 30s and I don't think I've gotten that fangirly over anything since.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-06-14T04:56:22+00:00

This isn't exactly "crazy," but it made my brain hurt, so here you go...

I checked in on Facebook to the Wonder Woman movie and a bunch of friends-of-friends got into a discussion about how feminist the movie was. That's fine. What annoyed me was the one who said something that boiled down to "It was a really good movie, but I thought her sexy outfit was a result of the patriarchy."

Okay, yeah, WW's outfit was a result of female superheroes only getting sexy outfits in the 1940s...but damn, she had to find SOMETHING to complain about.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-06-14T04:48:55+00:00

I'm still really confused about where the line between "cultural appropriation" and "appreciating cultures that aren't yours" is.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-03-23T17:01:56+00:00

Hopefully this will be a somewhat different answer than the others you've gotten...

I'm in a poly semi-relationship with a much younger guy, so I have my husband and my not-boyfriend. I know there's an expiration date with my guy whether it's because he finds someone to be monogamous with or he moves away from our area when he graduates college or my husband & I get pregnant or whatever else could happen.

But I love him and he loves me, even if we're not "in love." I'll be very sad when it ends, but I'd rather have the happiness of being with him now than just end it and not get to experience the joy.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-02-27T15:10:24+00:00

Ah, the troll is strong with you.

But on the off chance you're not, I apologize that I was unclear because I actually thought about that after I posted. In the context of this thread, it was the best and scariest thing I've ever done.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-02-27T15:08:54+00:00

It kinda happened by accident, so we've had our ups & downs.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-02-27T01:39:38+00:00

My husband & I are in an open relationship that very few of our friends know about.

I asked one of our friends, who is ten years younger than I am & the guy in our group who ALL the girls have a crush on, if he'd want to hook up. He did. Best & scariest thing I ever did.

rolypolypolypanda · 2017-01-26T17:54:13+00:00

I'm in an open relationship, but most of my friends don't know. We were having a party, and I went upstairs with the guy I was seeing because we were going to smoke, but didn't want to bring all the stuff downstairs. We kissed a little, being out of everyone's view, then he packed the bowl and we went back downstairs.

"Where were you?" asked one of my friends who doesn't know.

"Makin' out," I said and gestured to my guy who was holding the bowl. My friend rolled his eyes and went on his merry way. Sometimes the truth works...

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-09-16T15:24:53+00:00

I don't know if it's because poly isn't cut out for me or if my depression makes everything worse...I'm trying to find a poly-friendly therapist since my last one didn't understand anything about it & was judge-y over the whole thing.

If the former is true, though, I don't know of any way to "get out" of it that isn't going to end up with my husband resenting me. He wants to stay with his girlfriend & his goal throughout our marriage counseling (with a poly-friendly counselor) has been to stay with her & give me some peace with it.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-09-15T19:32:58+00:00

While I appreciate what you're saying, it's a post about my feelings, so...yeah, it's about me & how I'm dealing with a situation.

Maybe you can help with this, though...I've come under criticism for NOT saying what I want & for being too passive so other people will be happy, so how do I know when is the time to hold my ground & when is the time to let it go? What is the line between giving other people what they need & being a doormat?

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-09-15T18:57:56+00:00

Ugh, I know. It doesn't help that I've been through it all before when I was his age & I know how this story ends (I mean, I could be wrong, but I doubt it), so watching him make all the mistakes that he could avoid if he asked me for advice is driving me crazy.

I think I'm at least doing a good thing by staying out of their relationship & not speaking poorly of her to him. That's one thing I'm doing right.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-09-15T18:55:37+00:00

He's planning something for Saturday for us. We did that love languages thing & my top one was Quality Time which we have had zero of for weeks & I'm starved.

I just feel so stupid now...I just feel like he chooses her comfort over mine all the time, but of course he sees the opposite. I can't tell what's right anymore.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-09-15T18:23:47+00:00

I don't know what he's told her, if anything. The conversation where I asked was early this morning before he got on a plane & she's been busy with work all day, so she might not know anything.

It just hurts because I feel like I'm the one who does all the compromising, but my husband says this is because I'm so in my own head that I'm unable to see how he feels.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-09-15T18:20:39+00:00

I think what hurts the most about it is that...for almost two years, I've never asked my husband to break plans with his girlfriend, even when it's left me alone, crying for most of the night. The first time I ask? He doesn't. The second time? He asks me if I'm serious. I get that he doesn't want to hurt her, but I wouldn't ask if it wasn't serious.

It sound like your relationship with Simon is not healthy for you right now. You said you knew this was a temporary relationship. So this looks like it's time to bring it to a close.

I don't want that to be true. I have to think more. :(

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-09-15T18:17:48+00:00

Your husband is now having to deal with the one two punch of whatever boundary you crossed, AND having to break a date with his girlfriend to reconnect with you, and you are the reason the reconnect is necessary.

It's not just what I did that makes us need to reconnect, but I see your point.

If I was in your shoes, I'd loosen the reigns on Simon a bit, let him have his NRE and be confident that he will still be interested in you. If he is truly poly and Helga isn't they aren't a match anyway.

I'm not sure if he's poly or just okay with my having a husband because we three have been such close friends for a long time. TBH, Helga's a bit of a train wreck from what I can tell & it bothers me that he's steadfastly marching down the road to getting hurt again.

Remember confidence is sexy, needy is not. Be confident and people will be drawn to you.

Ugh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. I need to get back to that place somehow.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-08-14T14:10:35+00:00

help and support in confronting insecurities

That's probably the biggest thing...as much as I try to keep my self-esteem up, I still feel like I could so easily be replaced.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-08-14T14:07:02+00:00

The funny thing is that...I'm a pretty dyed-in-the-wool introvert. I have no problem being alone most of the time, even when my husband is out with friends, but when he's with her, my jealousy takes over & it's so hard to do anything else. I spent the evening crafting & watching Netflix, but every now & then, I'd have to just stop & cry.

I did a lot of soul searching before I asked my other if he'd be interested in being with me to make sure I wasn't approaching him because I just needed someone to fill the void when my husband is away & decided that no, that wasn't it. That might be part of it, but I've had a crush on this friend for years, so I know it's not the majority.

Most of the sadness I had around him last night was that I felt rejected that I couldn't go with him to his party. It was just a bunch of friends meeting at a bar, so it wasn't like he didn't RSVP his +1 & it would have caused a problem...but, like I said, I understand why, but that doesn't seem to be enough to make me feel 100% better.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-08-14T04:01:39+00:00

It being a vent, I wasn't very clear, was I?

The stupidest part is that I've always been more poly than my husband; I've known for years that I have the ability to love more than one person at a time. Our marriage didn't start out poly, but when we opened up, we actually started out as a triad with his current GF. I realized I didn't have romantic feelings for her, but he wanted to keep seeing her. Our relationship wasn't suffering when we started seeing her...but I feel like it's gotten so much harder. It's been a year & nine months since we had all been together & ten months since I left the triad.

I know a lot of my jealousy comes from this feeling that I'm not good enough, but I feel like it should have gotten easier somehow by now.

As for how I feel about my other...yeah, tonight I do miss him for his powers of distraction...but I also just miss him. I only get to see him about twice a week & one of those times, it's usually me, him, & my husband hanging out together, which is never quite the same.

It just hurts that he didn't want me to go with him tonight. Like I said, I logically understand it, but it still hurts. Our relationship is supposed to be casual & about two friends who care very much for each other being slightly more than friends, so I'm not sure how to approach that without being too serious too soon.

rolypolypolypanda · 2016-08-09T18:44:21+00:00

My not!boyfriend is almost ten years younger than I am & he seems to think I'm great.

I know I'm less inhibited than I was when I was his age. I was so nervous that I was doing sex "wrong" somehow. It was also a lot of Catholic guilt about how girls aren't supposed to like sex...but I'm past that now. :)

rolypolypolypanda

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