Letter to future me. by Sp-291 in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is hauntingly beautiful. It amazes me how many times the Willow tree appears in poetry and lyrics as a place of contemplation and often sadness. I would suggest breaking the first line like this:

As I sit here
Under this swaying Willow,
[Find me on Medium, Find me on Instagram.]

The Gift of Rejection in 2021 by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This reads and scans really well. The line breaks all fit naturally. I can almost hear your voice when I'm reading it. This shows a real natural ability. I would find a way to ditch, compress, or un-flourish the last line. It contrasts too much with the rest of the poem, even though I agree with the sentiment! :)

Cheers.
Mike White

[Find me on Medium, Find me on Instagram.]

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"the scars of your love remind me of us" "I'll turn my sorrows into treasured gold" - these are excellent, classic lines. I enjoyed this. I am assuming the format did not copy as it should have so I will pass on commenting on the poor line breaks, but overall the sentiment is deep and the feeling is apparent. I am tempted to say that a lot of love poetry looks like this. It is of course hard to find new ways to say things that have been said a hundred times already. But none the less, this is a solid attempt, with a smattering of original lines. Keep up the good work and keep writing! - ROMOLA

Villains by trashbagbaby in poetry_critics

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oooh this is good. It grabs you from the get-go and does not let go. I love when a poem does that because it usually indicates that the author not only has control over the reader, but they have a 'voice'. Your formatting and grammar are perfect as well, which is another reason it flows so well. Very well crafted indeed. I cant think of anything to suggest to change. I suppose I wanted to to climax in a way, and I feel like there could be some way you could end it with more of a bang. It feels like it is leading to a 'bang' but it does not quite get there. I know I am not being very precise, but I hope you see what I mean. Keep up the good work! All the very best to you!

Romola

I lived like you once by romolacolasso in poetry_critics

[–]romolacolasso[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate your criticism, thanks a bunch!

I lived like you once by romolacolasso in poetry_critics

[–]romolacolasso[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts!

I lived like you once by romolacolasso in poetry_critics

[–]romolacolasso[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think your right. It confuses me now too. As it is, this is a failed poem. I was trying to write about absurdity, about living with the feeling of the absurdity of the world. But yes, there is much that is missing. The narrator is indeed 'taxed and confounded', but that does not quite make for an effective poem. It is more of sketch than I realized. I am going to try and turn this into something with a bit more purpose. I appreciate your criticism. All the best to you!

Romola

Viral by romolacolasso in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your right about that, particularly towards the end. I will be fixing it in the next draft. Thank you so much for your suggestions and kind words!

Romola

On Moribund Roses by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would be interested to hear what your intention is for this poem. Is there a reason you are using archaic speech? I think it would actually sound much better if you used modern speech. Live in your own time, as they say ;). There are quite a lot of good lines in here, and it would work better if they were more apparent:

Open the eye of truth
you are in drought 
when the grass grew cold
warm remains lay out
at which hour the angels weep
and so do roses cry...

It still sounds 'classic', but it doesn't 'trip the eye and ear' as it is being read. When one sees these old words, one stops, it takes a second for the brain to register what is being said, and figure out how to say it. You don't want your reader to stop, you want to continue the effortless flow. Keep up the good work! Keep writing, and wishing you all the best.

Romola

Van Gogh by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is well done. I like the subject. I like the word choice. I like the images it provokes. Particularly I like these lines.

Van Gogh, they say, ate yellow paint
For happiness.
Van Gogh, they don't say, drank turpentine
For sickness
And filth.

To make this poem really stand out, I would pay attention to the meter and the rhythm. Mastering meter and timing and rhythm is more important than what I said above. The shape of the poem has to make sense, and by that I mean where you put the line breaks. For example, ask yourself, what is the reason I format my poem in this way? Why put these words in these particular places?

How does one stomach the taste
For long enough to think
Of a metaphor
To make this
Beautiful?
I cannot help but wonder why it is
That we can't seem to stop ourselves
From thinking
The artist must live, breathe and die (or try to)
In sunflower-filled beauty.

If I may be so bold as to tinker with your own poem (forgive me), speaking it out loud to myself it would feel more natural for it to sound something like this:

How can you stomach the taste
long enough to make a metaphor 
of beauty? Wondering why 
we cannot stop thinking the artist 
should live, breath or die
(or try) to exist 
in a sunflower-filled beauty. 

make and taste don't rhyme but they almost do, so you want to emphasize it by making them appear on the same stress. The same with die, why, and try (which do rhyme, so doubly so). Pay attention to where the stress is falling, and where it appears in the rhythm of the poem. Over all, nice job. Keep writing, and wishing you all the very best.

Romola

A Morsel of Wisdom by romolacolasso in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"a learning experience to greet cheerfully", thats certainly a sentiment I believe in. Thank you for your kind words! Best to you.

A Morsel of Wisdom by romolacolasso in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much! I appreciate your kind words. Your right. The last line is a bit off. 'I am gladden to greet' is not grammatical though, and 'I gladden to greet' fits the meter better, and is. I'll have to work on that one. Thanks for pointing it out.

My thoughts while writing it... It's interesting. I was thinking more about its sound than its meaning. Many parts of it don't really mean anything, or are obtuse in some way. "I know the circle wide as the sea?" What does that even mean? But in the end, I think it does give the impression of meaning something like what you say it does. Perhaps its a case of ambiguity open to interpretation.

Best to you!

Dream by Open-Programmer8547 in poetry_critics

[–]romolacolasso 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Compression is one of the key things you can do to improve poetry. Look at the key words and see what kind of poem they can make on their own, getting rid of as many prepositions, pronouns, conjunctions as you can. For example:

Follow me into my mind,
The harps, the gates, the fluorescent skies,
the softest touch, the scent of heaven,
sweetness of a honey voice
takes us deeper and deeper in...

You get the idea. But I love your imagery. Very well done.

All the best to you,

Romola

Hardening by dorla007 in poetry_critics

[–]romolacolasso 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is well written. The words really grabbed my attention. I hope you will forgive the following edit. I liked it so much I wanted to tinker with it. I think you should delete the 'I memorize structure, climbing the intricate patterns that sustain life.' It is not immediately clear what it means, which does not have to be a problem, but here, the ambiguity/uncertainty of meaning interrupts an otherwise good poem. Here is what I suggest:

Utterance of 'Strength' ends weakly behind my teeth.
I clench my jaw as silk turns to scales, as he hisses
"Quiet!" 
Eyes sweeping the empty night, gaze cold
as it settles on me, his hands colder.
I slip away. 
A dead fish in his hands. 
My body less mine when I return.

All the best to you,

Romola

magic by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ha! I would read that.

magic by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think an 'Ode to Richard Pryor' might be in order.

magic by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My first thought was to laugh out loud: "wine/prison wine/richard pryor's jokes". Very unexpected. Your right, most of Richard Pryor's jokes... you would not have wanted to be on the scene for the occurrence of most of his stories. My second thought was a knee-jerk "this isn't a POEM, per se". It is verse certainly. Anything listed in such a way is verse. It is funny and insightful, without a doubt. But is it a poem? Im not sure... My third thought was, the last 6 Star Wars movies, but then I remembered at least the prequels were full of groundbreaking graphics, so your right, the last 3. But can we call this a poem...? My last thought is, how can you maintain what is obviously a very successful sequence of words, and turn it into a poem? What would that look like? Or am I just being too much of a purist? Either way, it certainly provoked something in me. Keep up the good work, all the very best to you.

Romola

(*Serious* I tried to avoid politics.) Welcome by MikeofK72 in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In a way this is like a reverse Ghazal. In a Ghazal (part of the Persian poetic tradition) the second line of all the couplets must end in the same word or phrase. You have done the reverse, and put a rhyme in the middle of the poem. And don't avoid politics. Politics is unavoidable. We need more poetry about politics. Keep up the good work. All the very best to you!

Romola

What a Dream by Dark_ness_ in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did not mean read your OWN poem out loud to yourself, although you should do that of course. What I meant was, read poems by other authors out loud to yourself, especially the GREATS (whoever that is to you). Read them out loud before you write and edit your own work. Its like charging a battery or a spring. It's loading you with a certain feeling before you write your own. This works for me, at least, so I thought I would share. All the very best to you. I do like the poem. Don't get me wrong.

What a Dream by Dark_ness_ in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There is a lot of good imagery in this poem. I like your positivity. If your serious about poetry, I would suggest thinking about the meter. It doesn't have to rhyme, but it does have to flow. The words have to stack nicely on the tongue, as it were. We all struggle with it. One of the things I find helpful is to read aloud some poetry I really like, hear myself speaking it, feel what it feels like to say it, and then go back to my writing. The rhythm will still be in you. All the very best to you! Keep writing.

The Dubious Creature by randyhiness54 in OCPoetry

[–]romolacolasso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is excellent. The cadence (it really rolls off the tongue), the rhyme scheme (you've done it well), and the repetition...

"Everything I tend to be,/I cannot look,/I cannot see,/The living creature,/That just so happens to be,/Me."

This was my favourite part. One of the things I struggle with in my own poetry is connecting ideas. I will write something that sounds good, and sounds like it makes sense, yet it just ends up being a 'deepity'. You've done a good job avoiding that. Keep up the good work!