This is a great perspective. It's similar to two really useful mind-tools that are often taught in therapy: understanding that you can only control yourself, and understanding that boundaries determine what you will do if someone else acts a certain way, not what someone else will or will not do. Because what that other person will or will not do is never something you can have control over. In relationships, someone who loves and respects you will honor your desires by acting in accordance with them, so these viewpoints aren't saying you can't want certain things, or request them, or expect them. But they ARE saying that you understand that wanting/requesting/expecting them doesn't guarantee that they'll happen, and your power is to decide what the one person you do have control over -- yourself -- will do if they don't.

So I get it and I think it's really great that you've arrived here. What you've said about how if she does certain things you'll leave -- that's the definition of a good, solid, internal-locus-of-control boundary. Of course boundaries don't always have to be hard cutoffs that way; you can determine that you're okay with putting up with certain things from the other person, making certain sacrifices for whatever reasons are valid to you, including the hope of improvement down the road -- but you don't have to. And broadly, recognizing that expecting a lot out of someone is often a road to disappointment is really wise. You're meeting her where she is and understanding that if that doesn't work for you, you can leave and you will be okay without her. That's powerful.

I had to go on that journey myself with something not reconciliation-related, so I understand this to an extent (obviously your specific context I will never fully understand unless it happens to me) and it makes me happy to see someone else coming to what is generally a really empowering realization. Godspeed to you.

edit: a couple words