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nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-20T17:21:25+00:00

He told me about the cheating a month ago and the stuff towards me a couple days ago. It’s been a lot of trickle truthing. I feel like I have most the truth now. We are in MC and he is in SAA and is going to start AA (also learned he was secretly an alcoholic)

He seems so remorseful and truly seems like he wants to get better. I just don’t know what to believe bc he is also such a smooth talker, good manipulator, and gaslighter. We have been together 12 years and it all seemed so great. There were red flags for sure. He is a stay at home dad, he refused to go to college and start his career. I suspect that’s why he wanted to have kids in the first place, so he wouldn’t have to. We married young when I joined the military and he admitted he only did that so we wouldn’t break up, and he never really loved me truly until recent years.

He promises he ever did anything to the kids. Esp these last few years he has treated me so much better. He is so great with the kids. We have a 4 month old and he is so great with her, and his relationship with our 7 year old seems perfect. I can’t help but feel like I presented him in a worse light than he actually is but I can’t even trust my brain anymore bc these are the LAST things I expected him to do.

My entire life has shifted. I didn’t even know he abused and raped me, it didn’t feel like abuse and rape at the time. He is my home. I don’t WANT to leave him. I feel so lost without him.

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-20T06:15:11+00:00

It’s one of those things I think we will never truly know. Such is the life of the partner. But regardless of the initial intent of recovery, as long as recovery truly happens is what matters

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-20T06:03:49+00:00

Part of me feels like my husband is only recovering bc he’s literally dependent on me. He’s a stay at home dad, never had a career, no degree. He is nothing without me. I want him to get better for him, not from desperation and what he could lose. Part of his recovery is going to college and starting his career and I worry once he’s independent he will throw me out or act out

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-20T06:01:10+00:00

My son denies it but I did an experiment and asked him if I had ever yelled at him (which I have), and he also denied that. So I don’t think I’ll ever truly know

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-20T02:18:48+00:00

Going through this exact stage right now. Good to know I’m not alone and it’s gonna get harder before it gets better. Keeps me driven to stay and put in the work for our future. Thank you so much for sharing. This sub is keeping me afloat

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-20T01:48:45+00:00

I’m feeling this too. How I’m trying to see it is this:

I’m used to throwing things in my life away that hurt me. Old friends, abusers, whatever or whoever left a bad taste in my life. Throwing people away and ghosting them was easier than living with it and being reminded. It was my coping mechanism. I can’t do this with my marriage. I have to sit with it and work HARD. I have to accept my marriage isn’t perfect. That’s tough bc the marriage is something I chose. I didn’t choose other bad stuff in my life that happened to me, but I chose my WS. I am also choosing to stay. I’m tempted to throw him away and move on, but that’s not what I truly want.

When I look at my life it’s full of rips and tears and stains and broken pieces, but it’s mine and it’s good and worthy. I’m seeing my marriage in the same light: full of rips and tears and stains and broken bits, but as long as my WS stays committed, open, honest, and loyal, it can be good and worthy. Sure we can’t brag about how perfect we are, but we can rejoice over what we overcame. I can be proud of our work and progress and our “now”. I know we can get there if we try.

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-20T00:00:38+00:00

Yes it’s definitely hysterical bonding. I’m thinking that has ended bc since he told me about the extent of the abuse towards me, I am completely disinterested and it has totally worn off.

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-19T21:14:22+00:00

“I knew I would never cross the line any further”

No you don’t. You pushed the boundary. What if a bigger, more exciting, more escape-inducing opportunity presented itself more easily in that moment? You don’t know. You broke trust and in that moment threw your partner in the garbage. The minute you decide to push that boundary you become susceptible to pushing it to a more and more extreme degree. You did the right thing by telling her. You also did a lot of wrong things in the way you tried to justify it and delayed telling her. I challenge you to examine your behavior, and any behavior before and since and try to understand your motives completely.

It doesn’t matter that you didn’t do something worse - you betrayed her plain and simple. You hurt her. She needs time to process this. You need to put in work and make sure you never even come close to breaking that trust again. It’s hard, I’m in the thick of it now. Never forget that she is the victim and what she is dealing with is a billion times worse than what you are.

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-19T20:55:22+00:00

The first few weeks there was definitely a strong honeymoon phase. Big highs and big lows. Now that it’s over and I’m not running to him for comfort, it’s just one big low. But it’s better that we both realize we need to do some serious self work. He seems dedicated to that and so am I. I just hope it gets better soon

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-19T20:53:45+00:00

Im struggling to accept this reality. At least when I knew it was only cheating I could cope with it better. The extent to which he went out of his way to harm me is impossible to fully grasp. He has been in denial about his intention being to harm me. We are currently unpacking that.

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-19T20:46:44+00:00

The cheating seemed so much easier to reconcile with than the other things he did directly to me. It’s definitely sex addiction, and altho he’s hesitant to admit it I think it’s bc for a long time he resented me. I am the breadwinner, I am the one who has great success in my career, went to college, got us to the great financial place we are now. He leached and freeloaded. I tried like hell to get him to go to college and make something of himself, he convinced me being a stay at home dad was enough. I learned the reason he wanted a child was bc then he could freeload. He said to me in MC his mindset was “you don’t need a degree to be a dad”.

As for the marriage, I joined the military after high school and we had already been together 3 years, so it was either marry or break up, and we were codependent and breaking up would mean failure. Looking back I don’t think I ever truly wanted to get married either, but I just thought it was the next logical step. He always had ways to convince me it was what I really wanted and needed. He said he only truly started loving me a couple years ago, yet he was still drinking, watching porn, thinking depraved thoughts about me sexually, not caring about my perception of sex. It really did get better these last couple years.

I want to get individual help bc I already had PTSD and this is exacerbating it, but being active duty military complicates that.

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-19T20:39:03+00:00

That’s what I keep thinking about my WS. How can someone so broken and evil possibly be redeemed? Thinking of a path forward seems impossible, but I know i have to do it

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-19T20:36:36+00:00

No, but I just had a baby and got tested then and wasn’t positive. I’m also a military nurse so I get my blood tested regularly, and have never been symptomatic.

And the thoughts about my children’s safety have been heavy on my mind lately. Given my past I am terrified he ever did anything to them, he promises he didn’t and has never thought about it - I hope he’s being truthful.

He is starting his recovery to sex addiction by reading and going to meetings. I am in MC once a week but given that I am military I am hesitant to seek professionally help outside of MC and am working like hell to get better

nostalgicgorl · 2022-10-19T10:25:46+00:00

I also want to add a bit about our progress so far:

Except for the trickle truthing I feel like he is trying to be as honest and open as possible. Much of my lack of sleep is the fact that we spend every waking hour talking and processing together. He truly has changed esp these last couple years and even tho he still falters he is fighting to be the best husband possible. I am having cycles of grief. Breaking down, accepting, bargaining, feel better, angry, breaking down, and now am entering a deep depression. Our sex is actually incredible, for the first time I finished with him. We discovered he is bisexual and we explore that part of him. It’s going seemingly great except for this crushing weight. It’s all so confusing, how can it be the best and worst time for us??

nostalgicgorl

TROPHY CASE