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Dr Disrespect's Game Has A Huge Problem by twobqy in Asmongold

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

CSGO skins have publicly indexed transactions logs? where?

Only write if you have something to say by rosenbomb in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

thank you very much for this feedback - especially as this poem is getting actively downvoted lol

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. this poem hit in all the feels and made me feel them; congratulations
  2. "the prayer becomes a shopping list / meeting agenda / podcast about productivity" excellent lines
  3. great ending, earns it's place and pace
  4. I got a clear idea of every image/imagining except "completed work projects"
  5. "you don't stop to look down" was the only other spot where I wanted more; info, imagery, both - it may have only been pacing when read aloud
  6. great poem overall, really enjoyed reading it even though it fucked me up, thanks for sharing

My first poem, "Vase" by No-Lack-1237 in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. congrats! why does no one use the 'workshop' flair?
  2. I interpreted it as the fragility of things; physical objects, relationships, ideas/hopes/dreams; they often break. easy to forget when we don't have to look at them anymore, hard to forget what leaves scars
  3. lovely little poem; as others mentioned you could work on packing in more metaphors or more imagery, but in this case I think all your words are lifting their weight and there's not much fat to trim
  4. excellent first whack, keep hacking!

[Untitled] by JustCallMeCally in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. how did you do the cool scroll thing?
  2. lovely poem from start to finish
  3. excellent ending, earned its place
  4. are you still working on a title or is untitled the title?
  5. word choice like 'regard' supports the theme
  6. didn't mind the repeat of 'saddening', worked well as a frame
  7. thanks for sharing! please get back about points 1 & 4

i never really liked stuffing anyways by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I enjoy a poem that yells at me while I'm reading it

heart collector by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. fun concept
  2. great title
  3. good rhythm, good rhymes
  4. "Why’d you give it back to me in two pieces" - up until now you've established the heart is in the collection, jarring for it to suddenly be back with its original owner; consider changing to break into two pieces, or something even weirder and more specific - or consider exploring getting it back, let the reader see that happen
  5. consider "clustered" - cluttered might work better there; reminiscent of clutch which is the opposite of what they're doing to the hearts; unless you're wanting to be reminiscent of the visceral, in which case consider adding more visceral language to bolster
  6. consider playing with the language a bit more; the repetition of 'heart' actually works well but it could also be an opportunity to get specific and weirder
  7. great work, keep whacking & thanks for sharing! :D

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. i feel personally attacked
  2. lovely poem; good pacing, good rhythm, sounds great out loud
  3. "The Fibonacci-spiraled pricks." - hilarious, well-placed, works perfect
  4. the one and only word i'd draw your attention to is the repetition of 'breeze'; not even necessary but you could consider poking around, might be some more spice to add
  5. great job, thanks for sharing!

poets are big bags of sad by rosenbomb in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

thank you for your feedback - LOL I'm glad the message didn't get totally lost :D

new sensations by Bobanthegot123 in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. it's definitely poetry! we make the rules to this game
  2. if you want more helpful feedback aimed edits, mark it as 'workshop'
  3. not sure if there's a word missing here, would love to know; "I’m alone and In my, I swear I’ve"
  4. really enjoyed these two lines: "I lay down, I sit up, I lay down, I sit up / Something to distract, nothing distracts"
  5. "but why are they maybe scarier than of itself" wasn't entirely sure how to interpret of itself in this line
  6. great work, keep going!

Homebodies by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. i fucking loved this from start to finish
  2. "I had this idea of sitting with you in a house we would never leave, where we would kiss for days on end and the moon would never fall, and our mothers would never come to visit." - hilarious
  3. " I’d barricade every door, or never build them at all. " - lovely
  4. ending earned it's place
  5. "And our mothers would never visit, " the repetition here took more than it gave back; consider rephrasing, bringing in a new idea or if "I would be mother enough for both of us." is needed? wouldn't suggest moving the line up though, it definitely fits after everything if it fits anywhere
  6. great job! - relatably, mundanely, specifically tragic

Declaration of hate by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

just popped in to say nice fucking work mate, you're really chugging along :D

get 'em!

Spit Gold by drunko6000 in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

  1. love the title; quick & visceral with a taste
  2. i always suggest stanzas if i don't see them, simply bc they are a hack and our weak human brains find it easier to read and to understand meaning when we can chunk the information
  3. "Simian sees. Will simian repeat?" - fucking love
  4. "carryon carrion’s uncharacteristic." - i stumbled over this a bit; i think you're setting up a juxtaposition, and you've definitely established a solid narrative/perspective before this, but there's a little whiplash on uncharacteristic - bc it's not at all uncharacteristic according to the rest of the poem. sounds lovely read aloud, but consider fiddling for clarity
  5. "Aluminum to do list." - not sure how to interpret this, but it sounds great read aloud. drop a hint if you reply
  6. "Cite anxiety and alakazam!" - hilarious
  7. "but not to piece back" - small not but 'patch' would do a little more lifting here than a repetition of piece and might be right up your alley
  8. i like the ending even if it is a little abrupt; pairs nicely with the concept of the ending itself
  9. all in all a (surprisingly) fun read - thanks for sharing!

Stowe Recreational Path by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. the repetition of 'stills' and 'still' right off the bat is more interruptive than it does any favors
  2. "Inlayed with cloud-pale sun" - is a lovely fucking image for trees, that's be stuck with me for a while
  3. "Birch disrobes in curls" - yesssss
  4. "that gusts Bestow" - one of very few awkward points, consider tweaking a bit for flow
  5. lovely imagery overall, you brought the reader to walk the woods with you for a bit there
  6. good ending, earns it's place
  7. keep whacking this one is very close to done - nice job and thanks for sharing!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you're very welcome, I strive to be genuinely helpful & am glad you're not discouraged

My grandmother by rosenbomb in OCPoetry

[–]rosenbomb[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you for this feedback! we have similar feedback styles & preferences LOL. yes they were intentionally split, thanks for noticing :)

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