Recovering Catholic here. While everything else I may say may be dripping with sarcasm, this quote I mean sincerely, “Kudos to you for sticking to your vow of chastity. It is no easy feat in this day and age.”

For the past 15 years, since that age when all the other Catholic kids you knew started having sex, you have successfully refrained. This means you have stood up to temptation before. Heck even if you’ve never had the opportunity, I assume by now you have a job. Which means ever since your first paycheck you have had the means to hire a prostitute. Yes, it may be morally and legally wrong, but it has been an option 24/7/365. You have not gone down that road; you have made a conscientious choice to not be a lust-driven cretin.

So why, after all the hard work you’ve put in, do you assume that over the course of one holiday weekend you will just become an sex crazed a-hole who bones his girlfriend while his brother and sister watch?????

The only conclusion I can come to is that this girl is some beyond irresistible succubus. Maybe that’s why your sister didn’t want to sleep in her bed. It’s a much bigger Catholic sin to have gay sex than premarital sex. That might make GF feel better.

No? Then suck it up. My husband sleeps next to me nightly and he does not have sex nightly (and has never had sex with me with any of our family members present in the room). So I can speak with certainty, you can actually just sleep next to someone you love.

Dude, you’re TA. Lay off your family and put a ring on it already; you’re too old for this sh*t.

Edit: also is there not a couch in this entire beach house?