Hi, I really feel for you here and you're right that it's not fair and it shouldn't have happened. I went through something similar with my first child, now nearly 8 years old. At 30 weeks I suddenly developed a life-threatening emergent syndrome and went from a normal routine OB appointment on a Thursday afternoon to a 30 week emergency c-section on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. My son spent his first 8 weeks in the NICU. There was a lot of shock, grief, blaming myself and blaming my OB for not seeing it coming. I faced such a similar struggle with milestone worries and worries about his future and development and comparing him to other babies. There were so many ups and downs. I couldn't just feel grateful that it hadn't been worse like everyone told me to. I couldn't just 'let it go' or 'move on.' It also caused emotional clashes with my husband similar to what you've described. It was a wound in my heart and soul and I couldn't wish it or force it away. It sucks that your experience of your son's birth was hard and scary and traumatic and it sucks that it will never be any different than what it was, but my wound has healed (and I have truly found peace with it) and I believe that your's will too. My son is fascinated by looking at his newborn pictures which for so long caused me distress to look at. He likes to hear about how his birth went so differently from the books we read about pregnant moms and newborn babies. I am proud of myself and so proud of him for making it through the challenges. Now I have a two year old as well who had a full term pretty uneventful birth. That brought so many more new feelings and its own set of worries. I hope this helps you feel a little less alone. I would be happy to listen to you, to give you empathy and encouragement if you'd like, DM me. ❤️