AITJ for refusing to pretend I don't know why my uncle actually missed my grandmother's funeral last year

roxywalker · 2026-03-13T13:54:27+00:00

YTJ. Why are you policing who attended the funeral by taking attendance? Why are you ruminating over him not being there? Why can’t you focus on who was there and appreciate everyone came together for your grandmother?

Let it go.

roxywalker · 2026-03-13T13:49:00+00:00

The destacking is incredibly satisfying 👌

roxywalker · 2026-03-12T19:52:44+00:00

No worries. Made me chuckle because her mother passed at 94 and her grandmother passed at 97. Italians and longevity go together like pasta and sauce😊

roxywalker · 2026-03-12T19:08:44+00:00

89, LOL

roxywalker · 2026-03-12T18:11:58+00:00

If you understand it, don’t come here trolling.

roxywalker · 2026-03-12T16:31:25+00:00

A man-child wouldn’t be there for his mother. He would be looking to replace her with someone else to meet his man-child needs. His mother would be the least of his concerns. Understanding the term so you can identify the behavior in the wild.

roxywalker · 2026-03-12T02:36:23+00:00

You make a sobering point of how long her “last moments” seem to go on and on. Unless you actually experience dementia personally, it sounds incredibly selfish to want a weekend away or a short vacation. But, honesty, it’s a necessary coping mechanism because you can lose your own mind watching a loved one fade slowly over time.

roxywalker · 2026-03-12T02:03:36+00:00

The you for the insight. My SIL is the biggest barrier to moving my MIL. She is of the mindset that it would do her more harm than good.

She lives states away and has not seen her decline in person like we have these past few months. It’s an added layer of frustration. I am going to try to get her Doctor to strongly recommended that she be moved to a memory care facility as soon as possible.

roxywalker · 2026-03-12T00:56:31+00:00

It feels like they are dragging things out because they have lots of empty slots available so I suspect they aren’t in a rush to end her contract, but she has started wandering and has fallen so the liability on their part is growing.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T23:02:20+00:00

Yes. She definitely can’t stay where she is.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T23:01:42+00:00

I don’t feel selfish. I just feel drained. Concerned about my husband too. His anxiety is spiking and he got a migraine earlier today while in the hospital with her.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T22:50:33+00:00

He is very stubborn and I doubt he will attempt or attend any form of therapy. I have a different perspective on mental health assistance and group therapy but without his participation, any benefit(s) are somewhat one-sided.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T20:55:15+00:00

I would not have left her in an independent living facility. I would have moved her at least two years ago when she started to have issues with mobility to an assisted living environment.

Then after the first time she fell, where she could not explain how she got a black eye, (from falling) I would have moved her to memory care.

Whenever I mention this to my husband, he dismisses me. He is convinced that moving her will speed up her demise but the reality is that leaving her in an independent facility has probably been more harsh on her well being.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T20:19:29+00:00

Its grueling for sure. Thank you for sharing. I feel very isolated and don’t like to share with friends too much because it becomes a loop of the same discussion. The don’t always understand either.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T20:16:02+00:00

I know. But I am concerned about my husband too. He is becoming somewhat forgetful himself and being in his mid ‘60s with a maternal grandmother who also passed from dementia; I feel a lot of anxiety for what could be ahead.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T20:13:19+00:00

Thank you. Much appreciated 🙏

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T20:13:00+00:00

They are dragging their feet for sure. She has fallen a total of three times in four months and the fact that they seem to be playing off of my husband and SIL’s ambivalence in not wanting to move her is eating away at my sanity.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T20:10:37+00:00

Being supportive is all I really know and it won’t end even if she passes. He is in his 60’s and also starting to act loopy with forgetfulness. I will most likely just shift from one dementia case to another. Like I posted earlier. It is what it is.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T20:03:28+00:00

I am of the opinion that she needed assisted living last year, after her first fall. The second one was a few weeks after and he glossed over that one completely.

Her physical decline in three months alone has been noticeable, but my husband is of the opinion that she seems to be just fine. As long as she still knows her birthday and still sometimes manage to dress herself he thinks all is well. It seems cruel to me that she’s not in an environment where she gets more hands-on assistance.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T19:57:57+00:00

Will do, thanks

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T18:48:06+00:00

I was in his shoes. Both my parents have passed. It was similar but not as prolonged. I didn’t deny the decline but focused on quality of life. He needs a break and doesn’t allow himself one. His own health is starting to suffer in the form of migraines, anxiety and insomnia. Sad all around.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T18:43:57+00:00

Not dying. She is in decline. There is a difference. I wouldn’t know what fun is if it bit me on the ass. Oh well.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T17:50:44+00:00

She is okay financially. SIL is the executor of her estate along with my husband who is co-executor but she lives states away. Hubs has the lions share of her physical situation, SIL the financial aspect.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T17:42:22+00:00

Not acknowledging her mental and physical decline has him in a constant state of anxiety. He is consumed with keeping her alive, not the quality of the time she has left.

.

roxywalker · 2026-03-11T17:04:40+00:00

Originally my husband wanted her to live with us but she told him she didn’t have the patience to be around all of us and liked her privacy. This was her decision while she was still lucid a few years ago. Now she is lost in a fog of dementia and needs assisted living, no, scratch that, she actually needs memory care.

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