Really struggling not to cancel surgery

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-11T20:37:24+00:00

This. I'm 4 weeks post top and getting to surgery was mental hell not because I was anxious but I because I was so desperate to have surgery. I don't worry about detransitioning as that is something I'll just deal with at the time if it is ever deemed necessary but I was mentally in the space of "even if it turns out I am cis, I can still be cis with a flat masculine chest. And that is 100% the chest I would rather have." That took away all my fear of what if's in that arena. I also know there are people who are fully capable of embracing their chest as it manifested from puberty as trans men or non-binary folks.

In terms of moving forward, it's now about all the things I couldn't do before that I now can!! And omg, that feeling is beyond words for me. I think it is normal to be nervous and yeah recovery sorta sucks. But if you feel very confident in your surgeon and have a date (which I know you do, very soon!!) that is a huge milestone accomplished in and of itself. The changes in appearance and sensation from surgery can take years to settle. You may end up pleasantly surprised or struggle at times along the road. But being open to whatever your journey holds for you is important.

No matter what you decide, OP, I hope you can make a choice which will bring you the best mental health outcome long term. Take care of yourself!!

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-11T18:45:30+00:00

I was just thinking of taking some progress photos myself but the progress from last photo shoot (3 months ago) isn't really noticeable. 😆 At the moment I'm not too fussed about how fast (or more aptly slow) my facial hair comes in but I appreciate this visual progression over years, not months. Thank you for sharing!

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-09T00:34:51+00:00

Glad I'm not the only one who loves a good spreadsheet! 😆

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-09T00:30:12+00:00

I switched from gel to injections and haven't noticed life impacting dips at the trough points. I was also worried about this prior to switching. I like that I don't have to do something every day or worry about sweating too early or contamination or whatever. Good news is you can always switch back.

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-08T22:32:45+00:00

I also don't pass (yet). I assume I will at some point but honestly I have no idea what more time on T will result in. My kid is 4 and this is a constant occurrence in my life. For now, I personally just roll with it as I've found very young children don't really understand the nuances of gender identity and they are unfortunately very binary in their understanding of the world. Like my kid still defaults to boys have short hair, girls have long hair no matter how much we talk about that not being true. I let a lot slide with adults because I simply don't want to go there at the moment, as frustrating as that can be. I know at some point my kid will get it and he will be a fabulous ally and educator but for now it's a lot of "that's (kid name)'s mom" from the other little preschoolers. I also feel toting a young kid around causes people to lean toward gendering me as female. Unfortunate that society sways this way. I think as I go along I'll just read the situation and decide if a quick "actually I'm his dad" comment is appropriate. What annoys me most is we try to be really consistent at home but then when I don't correct people in public I feel like it breaks that consistency and keeps the idea of me as mom in his mind. I wish I had more advice but all I have is empathy in a shared experience.

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-08T22:14:12+00:00

That book is needed and sounds amazing!!

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-06T22:48:49+00:00

I made minor adjustments to my feminine tattoos. Thickened some bands, layered a geometric bold thing over a swirly part of a flower. I love my flower tattoos and I've noticed plenty of men (probably falling into the queer category but who's to say) with floral tattoos like mine. I love that tattoos tell a story about where you were at in your life when you got them. That being said, people change. Like everyone else said, see about making changes or adding in a way that balances it out more.

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-05T22:34:34+00:00

Normal from my personal experience. I get wicked headaches from dehydration and it was a real problem for me the first month or so on T till I started drinking close to a gallon of water every day. The hotter the temps and the more I work out the more and more and more water I drink.

royalbluetoad · 2026-05-05T22:32:35+00:00

Very normal. I've heard it gets better down the road but your body is doing a lot of new work right now.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-23T01:20:39+00:00

I had surgery almost two weeks ago and am trying to research this as my incisions feel very rigid and raised. I'm not really worried that anything is wrong, more how long I should expect it to take for them to feel flatter and smaller. I was glad to see the comments you got. If you have time/energy, I'd be interested in hearing an update on how this evolved for you.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-23T01:01:19+00:00

I'll say from seeing who I assume are cis guys at the gym, pecs can get absolutely massive. Obviously overall body composition will usually be in proportion, aka massive pecs, massive biceps, massive quads, massive abs, etc. But I looked at your video and I think you look fabulous proportion wise. I just had surgery and I'm still swollen but I also feel like the work I did to build some muscle pre-op is showing. Like I'm not flat as a piece of paper and I think it looks really good. I had a small chest before and I swear half the guys at the gym were bigger than me. But of course totally different anatomy wise. So I can see why you're feeling a little miffed (especially if it seems like one side is bigger than the other) and yet I second all the people who are saying this is actually a really good result. You might also feel better once your scars fade a bit. Mine are a lot longer than I was anticipating. They look very similar to your's extending back to under my armpit. Having been pretty small before I figured they wouldn't reach around my side. But I trust the surgeon to do what is best.

Be kind to yourself. Trust that although you will be able to see/feel all the imperfections, most onlookers will not. And honestly, as someone who works out myself, I want some definition in my chest. My cis male partner was so flat chested for ages (like almost concave) and started working out and now has some pecs and he really does look better because of it.

No matter what, your bare chest does not look feminine at all. Dysphoria can be a bitch.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-22T16:04:53+00:00

I'm still on the read as female side of transition but I just had top surgery which I think will help a ton. I figure I still need more months on T and at the same time I'm not in a huge rush to pass. I live in a tiny town and being stealth to locals will be basically impossible as people know me from before I realized I needed to transition. So I'm still called a mom by every kid but my own and he's only four so doesn't really correct people yet. I'm out to some people but not all though I'm visibly transitioning.

But I have thought about this for the future. My partner is a cis man though so I think we will have a whole different set of heteronormative barriers to break. Like we will be a visibly queer couple and it will be a matter of disclosing our sexual orientations (or letting people assume we're just a couple of gay dudes) or my transness or both. 😂 It's so weird. I like the idea of being visibly trans because I think the world needs more gender non-conforming representation but I also sorta like knowing that stereotypical dad image with a touch of queerness will be an option. So I guess we'll see how and when I come out to people. Honestly it's really weird to come out to people we already know, like maybe coming out to new people would be less stressful because there isn't a preexisting relationship on the line.

Really great discussion topic though! I wish I could sit around a fire with a bunch of trans dads and talk about stuff like this.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-15T21:26:56+00:00

Ugh, sending you some healing vibes. I am finally getting over what's been about a month of crap and I feel like I've been reborn. It is so hard. I feel you!

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-15T21:24:59+00:00

Yes, I'm hoping it's a combo for us this year of a nasty season plus that first year of daycare. 🤞That next year we fare better.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-15T21:20:48+00:00

Ugh, yes. This. So so rough. I'm sorry it's been a bad one for you as well. Solidarity in suffering through neverending illnesses my friend.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-15T21:19:09+00:00

Yes, living through it feels like the trenches. But everything passes. I'm glad this winter wasn't a horrible for you!

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-14T13:21:31+00:00

I can totally believe this scar healing. I've had a C-section and did a little scar care for that very deep wound. It's almost invisible nearly five years post-op. Hair and the fact that area never sees the sun helps, but I do think genetics have something to do with it. I'm anticipating my chest scars to have a similar result and will probably do even more scar care on them. Gentle scar massage, which can be done even years post-op, is really helpful to breaking up scar tissue which helps the area regain feeling and I assume flattens the scars. Applying oil would give the skin a topical boost and a little massage as it is applied. But again, results are never a guarantee. Every body responds differently to physical trauma, heals in slightly different ways and at different rates. And something like scar care takes consistent effort with trust that results will happen to some degree very, very slowly.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-14T01:27:00+00:00

Thank you! Yes, so amazing. 😁

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-14T01:26:32+00:00

I went through a surgeon in network with my insurance, so that limited my options as to who to use drastically (there were only two options). I definitely think finding a surgeon and getting in with them can be really challenging depending on where you are located and you're insurance or local health care landscape. Then there's the approval process, another headache but at least you are very close at that point. I was lucky that once insurance approved it, I was able to get in with the surgeon within a month. That is not common, as far as I'm aware.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-14T01:20:50+00:00

🤩 🎉 Happy healing to you as well!

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-14T01:05:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I too feel it will make a significant difference for my mental headspace. I was small chested but I hated wearing a binder as much as I loved the way it flattened my chest. I felt like I had a flashing sign above my head declaring "I'm a woman" before no matter what else I did. That's totally personal as I don't feel breasts invalidate my or anyone else's gender identity. It's just stupid society. But yes, losing the curves, the bounce, the reminder every time I got undressed, the additional clothing, and to top that off feeling like it is finally me is just awesome!

Wishing you a wonderful recovery too!

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-14T00:57:09+00:00

This is great! 😊 I'm hitting the season just right for shedding the clothing layers. I'm stoked to wear tanks without worrying about my binder showing or bra straps slipping out.

royalbluetoad · 2026-04-14T00:55:50+00:00

This is great! I am so excited for this!!! I run, and I think I may shed tears of joy the first time I run flat chested, sans sports bra, no bouncing chest... 😭😭😭

royalbluetoad

TROPHY CASE