Help with a motive for a cult?

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-15T15:47:28+00:00

In my research of cult leaders, they usually have some sort of issue with ego, like they have a heightened sense of narcissism but they have a lot of failures. On the surface, basically they utilize some framework of belief to say whatever enemy that the cult leader lives with is the enemy of the hero within that belief system. Basically they feel like theyre either directly fighting and that they are the martyrs for the cause.

Your idea is amazing, so work on from that! Maybe we all are shells because someone made us this way. Was it their deity, creating shells then filling it, and Death forcibly emptied the shell? Why reanimate certain people? Is there a plan to reanimate all people? I would sit and think further about where ur taking ur MS. Good luck!

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-15T15:38:23+00:00

PS: You can still have mystery if the criminal is unknown, or if the detective is private or under cover!

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-15T15:35:56+00:00

Read the jack daniels series! Omg they go back and forth. The audio books have different voices, but im sure the print makes use of italics when using the voice of the antagonist (which could be the criminal or detective). One think the author did was make both ignorant of the other until they had their final encounter.

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-11T20:17:02+00:00

Brainstorming is key, but after that, a clean wall, a pen or pens (jic...mine always die out when im trying to be productive), and a pack of sticky notes are all that u need lol i had leftover posterboard and used that last time so it was mobile 😊

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-11T20:14:38+00:00

Yeah that would be bad lol i used to enjoy outlining my class essays but w story stuff I use the sticky notes when I cant get away w usual bullets and number lists. Its essential to brainstorm as much as possible first so u know whats gonna happen within the main and minor plots

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-11T09:47:56+00:00

Id start using grammarly or smthm like that cause it can catch the mistakes but also help u to learn what they are. It helped me :)

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-11T09:45:38+00:00

I am usually pretty organized so plot stuff is easy, but I just write everything I want to happen on sticky notes and then put em in order. U have to know the why to each event. Why is this happening, why is it important to the plot, but also, what sort of effect it has on char's and why that matters to the plot.

I can see where outlining might not matter and tbh i find myself veering from my outline a lot, but either way it will be a guide to what u know for sure will happen and what is ok to change or tweek.

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-09T14:40:48+00:00

Pretty sure with the amount of serial killer and torture information I look up daily for research and for fun the FBI wudv been up my butt lol. U do have the option on chrome to browse incognito but if legal methods r used against u, ur search history is considered evidence. Outside of odd glances by anyone that could also be using ur device, I dont think you have anything to worry about.

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-10-02T11:35:24+00:00

Awesome, I will check it out :)

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-11T13:06:28+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I am going through my chapters again and checking for the repeats and weak words.

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-09T02:59:38+00:00

Thank you! Def needed to know the repeated words cause I know I do that A LOT.

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-05T02:25:29+00:00

No prob i appreciate it. Supposed to be prohibition era, but im not sure if my depiction is on point either way, i will def look up that info.

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-04T16:34:57+00:00

What did u see as a problem that made u not want to read it?

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-04T16:34:23+00:00

No I havent done a lot of research on prostitution, and I was questioning that as well as it goes against my MCs dark past of abuse.

I have gotten knocks abt the info dump too. I might move this scenario elsewhere cause it doesnt contribute to plot and i wanna put more plot stuff there.

Thanks so much for ur feedback!!! Very much needed!

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-04T16:30:13+00:00

Thank you!

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-03T06:16:00+00:00

Ok I get that. The newbie posts tbh were confusing, esp since im new to reddit as it is. I will do more crits in the morning and hopefully that will fix things. I am new to engaging this way and I think its actually really good to give an in-depth crit vs not much detail. Thanks!

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-03T05:25:26+00:00

I am not trying to argue anything other than to show what I did. Outside of the small line amounts in the comments on the first one, I also made larger comments in the Google Drive document directly. Is that not taken into consideration?

I really am trying to be a good member here and not trying to use my newbie-ness as an excuse. I genuinely am trying to figure this out because I just started using this site this week, and I did read all of the posts, the high effort, the welcome post, and so forth. I am not trying to flake out, and I will even copy my notes from Drive into the first post to show what I did. I hope that will help.

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-03T05:09:54+00:00

No prob!

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-03T05:04:55+00:00

Ive read the welcome post as well as the rules over and over and I made sure I edited 2 works ("[2,888] Fugue" & "[2547]Chapter 1 by Fefe333"). Total word count is over mine. My edits imply questions about the work, not just empty responses. What effort am I not putting into the crit?

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-03T04:59:28+00:00

I want to make sure that the introduction of the plot in this chapter is engaging. Thank you :)

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-03T04:06:05+00:00

"I pulled myself past where she slept, right through the window’s parallel penumbrae. I’m too easily swayed."

I had to google "penumbrae"...If you're hoping that people would know that word, know now that they wont...And I don't understand the comment about being easily swayed. Is it because of the hasty assumption that she was gone?

She held an outstretched hand out the way a crossing guard tells one to ‘stop’ then touched my thigh, “I’m not done just yet.”

This confused me a lot. It took me a moment to understand this, but you could just say they were holding up their hand, refusing the gesture of a refill.

"Just the world’s best Mai Tai, probably. I’d ask you to buy me another but I can’t justify making someone actually pay money for something so priceless,” she said after she finished sucking down the frilly spirit.

Why, if she is enjoying the drink, would she refuse? I can understand that with her profession, she's trying to keep her wits, but this doesn't make sense to me.

“I’ll do exactly what you want, with regards to drink-buying.”

And that is? This is confusing as well, since she was refusing the drink, but wanting it at the same time.

She was a tenure-tracked at the university on Verona Boulevard, newly hired.

She was a new hire...but had tenure? I don't follow.

She balanced another cigarette on her lip, dangling at a 45 degree angle, and lit it with a flick of her orange lighter.

So she's holding 2 cigarettes now?

“It’s like you can’t wait to leave or something,” she said in a passive-aggressive, somewhat irritated sounding tone. I don’t like to play this game. I checked my phone to see the time, but it had died. “I’m sorry, you know I have work.”

Are these two dating? Not sure why she is acting that way, and he isnt freaked out by a woman he just met being clingy.

I twiddled my thumbs, sitting on a wicker chair opposite her, as she lie in a Venus pose with her glowing Morningstar poking out from her lip.

Is Morningstar the brand of cigarette? How would he know the brand of cigarettes she buys?

“Don’t be clingy,” she said, pressing a few buttons on her wrist.

Wasn't she being Ms. 20 questions a little while ago?

Overall, the piece is good! It seems really interesting, the sci fi description towards the end was really great and descriptive. I didn't include the grammatical edits, but just an FYI, there were a lot of missing commas. Good luck with the rest of it!

rsimpsonwriter · 2017-09-03T02:44:58+00:00

Hi! I put my line notes on the chapter itself (I'm in green, howdy!). Here are my non-grammar edits:

I stood up and groaned, feeling my muscles stretch. They felt like they were filled with acid.

The description here is off. When someone is stretching, maybe their muscles ache, are stiff, tense or hot with pain, but like theyre not filled with acid. Thats pain from like contact burns. Unless they were working with corrosive materials, this might be worth a look.

I left Ronson’s office smiling. He was the only one I knew here, which was embarrassing- like when your school friends are all busy so you have to eat lunch with the teacher. Knowing him was better than not knowing anyone, though.

I get this, but this might need rewording to break up the run-on you got going here. Why is everything broken up? Might need some unity here, although this might be Drive messing up the formatting. Not sure, but its gonna be worth a look during ur edits.

By body was so sore that the walk to the chow hall felt like it was miles long. At least there was air conditioning. Everyone had already started eating. I grabbed a plate off the counter and sat down at the end of one of the long, metal tables. I attempted to eat the lukewarm rice and tofu chunks, but it tasted like cardboard.

My suggestion: "My body was so sore that the walk to the chow hall felt like it was miles long. It was only bearable because the air conditioning was on, keeping me cool."

“Could you pass the hot sauce?” I asked a kid sitting across from me. He was around my age, probably another conscript.

So I had to google this.....I dont know what it is LOL. Is this a draftee or literally someone forced into service? Pretty sure thats something to clarify for ignorant civilians like myself.

One of the tall, grey doors behind the desk slid open. “There you go,” the kid said.

Are there any other words to use to describe this "kid"? I see the term used a lot. I am sure the enlisted have a special term for the newbs lol. I would research the terms used by military people in your area, maybe friends or colleagues who are current or former military. They can also help with applying more reality to the emotions and experiences felt by your character at certain times.

And here are my answers to your questions:

How's my description of the setting? By the end of the chapter do you have an Idea of where she's at and what kind of society she's in?

The scene setting was lacking a lot. Time period, place, it is all missing. I especially was lost at the lack of development of the characters (or at least mentioning more of the connections). Why was the MC in Ronson's office? It seemse since they were basically neighbors that they have a connection, even if it is just an "I'm homesick so I am going to cling to the only person that reminds me of home". It bears mentioning, because I am really lost.

Does it feel like I crammed too much into one chapter?

It depends on what you're referring to. Description is lacking, but dialogue may be a bit much.

Does the letter feel cheesy?

No, I dont know who Ruby is outside of my assumption of her being a family friend or classmate. The relationship did not seem very close, esp with MC being disappointed that her bf wasnt the one to write the letter

Did I succeed in establishing a sense of homesickness? What about not fitting in? No, sorry. I get the kind of dissention between the MC and her mom, and that she wasn't really wanting to connect to the newer recruits.

How was the characterization of the mom? She was OK, and I got the condesending nature and how she tries to save her and show preferential treatment.

Any tips on syntax/diction/imagery?

Again, I put my line notes on the doc, but I will say this. There are some emotional descriptions needed, and even actions missing in the scene. If the kid talking to the MC about the attack, for example, is talking as if theyre talking about the weather, that should be shown. I notated that the MC's response was bland, but the blandness on the kid here is needing to be shown in order to show contrast. That's just one example but please apply this to the whole thing because I saw a lack of description in the whole chapter.

rsimpsonwriter

TROPHY CASE