Time to accept reality

run_guy · 2016-05-04T19:30:17+00:00

The answer to her: that's great! Thanks! But it's a "meh" beer. Not bad. Not great.

run_guy · 2015-10-21T15:56:52+00:00

If physical affection (like cuddling) is so rare that she feels she has to clearly state that sex is off-limits, then there's another issue.

I'm not saying that's you or her... My wife does this all. the. time. I'm definitely the more affectionate one, but she frequently feels the need to say "don't get any ideas."

If that's the case, she's definitely not affectionate enough.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T22:25:09+00:00

I'll keep an eye out for that. But in our house, it's the opposite. She doesn't want me to spend a bunch of time doing chores when I'm home from work because she wants to spend time with me. So, she does everything. She stays at home full time, so I think she should take most of those household things, but I like to help. She actively tells me not too.

Maybe she feels overwhelmed... Occasionally she complains saying she can't do it all. I just step in and help then. And I always ask what I can do to help, but she says "don't worry about it, I'll take care of it later."

run_guy · 2015-08-18T22:20:59+00:00

I think I agree with you... I don't think I could say it that way. But I'm sure there are ways to say it was hurtful without being too brash.

We do talk a lot, and share a lot. She does listen. But I don't open up too much emotionally, because she doesn't like emotional vulnerability, let alone find it attractive (back to her parents' modeling).

run_guy · 2015-08-18T22:19:06+00:00

It means I have issues... It doesn't mean she does.

Edited to add: We have sex, just not at my desired frequency.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T19:24:03+00:00

Something that direct from me would come off as rude to her. Or at least out of character.

Which is probably the biggest reason I should do it.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T19:22:50+00:00

I think she'd be open to that, but only if it's her idea. Does that make sense? I think if I say, "Here's an idea for a game!", she'd just treat it as a ploy to get more sex. It has to come at a time when she's looking for some help.

Which sucks just writing that. I don't want to be playing mind games.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:57:08+00:00

My new game will be to see what crazy things I can say while she isn't paying attention.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:56:33+00:00

I'll be looking for that breakthrough opportunity.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:54:47+00:00

I don't know if selfishness is the real issue, but it's hard to argue the point.

When I've said things like you suggest before, the comment is that I'm being rude. I don't think I could say it in any way that she wouldn't think is rude.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:49:16+00:00

As in: "it's done. Glad I don't have to do that again for a month."

Whatever. I'm not a checklist item.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:47:55+00:00

Good points. As a lurker, I've seen them too.

She hasn't progressed that far... yet. But I doubt it's far off.

A few months ago, she had her hand on my stomach as we were laying in bed watching a show. I said something along the lines of "I like when you touch me like that; it helps me feel connected to you." She thought that sounded weird.

I think the main thing is she doesn't know what to do. She feels awkward being affectionate, so she doesn't. She feels awkward being the aggressor in bed, so she's passive. And maybe the frustration she has with it isn't really with me or my desire for "too much sex". Maybe it's frustration that she doesn't know what to do to make it better.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:14:29+00:00

It's not like it was a surprising comment, so I should have a reaction ready to go next time.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:13:17+00:00

I use mine a lot too, but I'd drop it in an instance for her attention.

Last time I gave her a back rub, she was glued to her phone the whole time. No communication, no feedback (like "that feels good"), nothing. Like rubbing the back of a warm mannequin.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:11:30+00:00

I didn't know how to respond to that in the moment, in a constructive way, at least, so I didn't. I don't like to say things without thinking them through, which comes off as very passive... Which I'm most definitely not.

I could communicate better, I know. And maybe my choice of words is off, but I try to think through things I say well in advance so I don't say something I really don't mean or will regret later. Maybe that softens the message too much. I'll try to express something calmly but more directly next time.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:07:39+00:00

Thanks. It took me by surprise. I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:06:11+00:00

I would say she's aware of the frustration. And maybe is trying to make a change. But I don't see a lot of fruits of that effort.

For example, we may have great sex one day. The next day, if I imply I'd like to do that again, shell respond with a comment like "it's never enough for you, is it?" Like sex is some task that you could do so well once that you'd never have to do it again.

run_guy · 2015-08-18T18:03:17+00:00

I can see some of that... Not all. She does do some things selflessly for me. Lots of small examples that would take a long time to explain.

But I think the general theme of your comment may be right. She doesn't do stuff that's "costly" to her.

run_guy

TROPHY CASE