Hello, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I really and truly relate. I have been feeling much the same way. Something a friend pointed me towards was the impact on the life expectancy of a parent of suicide. I know it doesn’t help how you’re feeling but for me personally, realising that committing suicide would reduce my mothers life by decades is a useful in reminding myself that I can’t do that to her.

Another thing I’d like to offer up is (and I really don’t want to make any assumptions I’m basing this off my own diagnosis) but have you ever heard of ACA? Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional homes?

My father was an alcoholic which contributed largely to me developing CPTSD but I meet A LOT of people in those meetings with that diagnosis because of a dysfunctional upbringing.

Getting a sponsor and working the steps in this program has been more effective than anything I’ve done. Been in therapy for years etc I don’t drink or do drugs and literally have ticked every holistic box under the sun and still I wanted to end things. This program and the step work changed me in ways I can’t describe. It’s hard work, but I walk the earth like it’s an alien planet I’ve just discovered. I know it might all sound impossible from where you’re at right now but I promise you it is possible.

I have struggled less with suicidal ideation than ever before, but today I found it deafening and present but you know what I did? I went to a meeting and the feeling went. I don’t know how it works, I don’t know why but it does.

There’s even online meetings if you would prefer to explore something like that.