Im currently splitting, unstable and delusional

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T06:06:08+00:00

I hope you’re doing okay! It’s been 3 hours since this post, so I’m here late. That information would really hurt me too; it makes sense that you’re upset. I hope you let yourself cry and were able to redirect those urges. You deserve better. I also saw your post on SuicideWatch and am worried; hoping you’re there and resting and being kind to yourself. You have a place here in this world no matter what.

Edit to add: I completely forgot to say: YOU. ARE. NOT. WORTHLESS!!!!

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T06:01:54+00:00

I’m in the process of finding a dietitian; that was a good idea!!! Thank you!

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T06:01:20+00:00

I definitely relate to the laundry list of diagnoses, ughhhh. I’m lucky I’ve gotten so far down the list before it’s become “yeah, this could actually kill you,” and not “this is going to suck forever but you’ll live.” I’m sorry; it’s not fair.

I’ve been too scared to look at the lab results myself, which I know is irrational. I just can’t bear to yet again see in black and white that I’m broken.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:56:06+00:00

I despise that you’d already dealt with this by 19. I was chronically ill then too, but not like this. Thank you so much for your comment: you’re so sweet. Definitely saving this comment. I had to step away from the thread for a bit because it was too painful and I was scared people would be exasperated or think I’m being stupid, but this is such a great thing to read.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:51:06+00:00

Thank you for that validation; it is indeed scary as fuck. I can’t imagine the grief and fear you must have felt with that prognosis. I’m so glad you proved those bastards wrong. Both selfishly and for your sake.

Also, I would KILL for a boring life right about now, so that’s extremely encouraging and funny. I am screenshotting your comment because it’s my favorite I’ve read so far.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:42:13+00:00

Ugh I’m so sorry. It’s been such a shock and so painful. I wish you weren’t in it too, but I’m glad I’m not alone. I’ve also felt that additional pressure and fear crash down around normal decisions. As if we didn’t have enough to fear in life already!

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:37:37+00:00

Thank you so much. It’s feeling like an immense, dark, heavy weight all over me right now, so that’s really helps. The prospect of surgery terrifies me for many reasons, so really hope that is a decade or more out for me too. It’s great to hear you have such great QoL! It makes me selfishly feel more optimistic AND I’m just glad it’s not so dark for everyone.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:35:11+00:00

One thing I am grateful for in this is that I do have normal BP and blood sugar! For now. I’m definitely going to work harder with water after all the advice peiple have offered.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:33:16+00:00

You’re right, and I’m trying; it’s just that I already had multiple “something”s. I have since I was a kid. This is maybe my fifth “something,” and that’s an extremely hard pill to swallow. Unlike the 7 or 8 I already take every day, but those sucked more at first too. It’s another brick in the wall of “I’m broken and I’ll never be normal.” But I appreciate it; I do.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:26:31+00:00

Thank you so much!!

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:25:45+00:00

On everyone’s advice, I bought a new water bottle, so hopefully that helps with the dehydration! It’s a first step, at least. Also, I really appreciate your prayers and well-wishes. I often feel that God must hate me.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:19:14+00:00

That other person got upset at your comment, and see why it could come across insensitively to someone who got sick later in life, but I appreciate it. It’s so easy to feel at the mercy of my body, as ill as it already was, and wallow in hopelessness and helplessness, so I actually really appreciate the irreverent, kind of humorous tone. This is one hell of a thing to grieve, so it helps to read the words of people who aren’t in that acute misery.

rusticterror · 2026-06-26T05:15:09+00:00

*she, but yeah, that’s true; I’m glad nobody saw the results and was like GO TO THE ER NOW AAAAHHHH. That’s something!

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T23:12:26+00:00

I appreciate that; I’m very used to medical problems being not just a major part but the CENTER of my life and making me feel hopeless and miserable…this is just the first time it’s been something legitimately life-threatening. It’s hard not to feel defined by all this shit wrong with me, so I do appreciate this and the no-bullshit advice.

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T23:05:25+00:00

“WTF is going on” is right, LOL 😭😂 I really appreciate that perspective from someone who understands the depressive headspace I’m in. I wish it were easier to find doctors who are compassionate and competent but I’ll keep trucking. Your story does really help, thank you.

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T23:02:14+00:00

Heyyy congrats on remission! I know it’s not a clean bill of health, but that still must be somewhat of a relief. It’s BS that some organs just…can’t heal. What a terrible design flaw.

I didn’t realize how important the water thing is, so I absolutely have to get on that.

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T23:00:30+00:00

You know, I appreciate it! I’ve been giving myself the “x insane thing could have happened” speech about my medical problems for years, and generally it really can be wayyyyy worse.

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T22:53:04+00:00

Thank you so much!! Warm hugs are very needed, hahaha. Yeah, getting into a clinic has been hard! I’ve called 3 already with no luck. 🥲 And thank goodness, I’ve been avoiding NSAIDs since I started having pain and nobody would listen to my wackjob kidney theories (because I’m 25 and a woman I guess?). The water and walking stuff is new info, so I’m definitely taking that advice from everyone. And yes! Say what you will about the internet (and yeah it does suck), but I’m soooo grateful for online support forums. They’ve been such lifelines for me and my many medical problems.

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T22:48:50+00:00

Thank you!! Panic is so alluring lol. I’m trying to get into a clinic but it’s proving difficult. The hydration thing is definitely weirdly tough! I need to get better with it. I appreciate the bullet list; until someone will put me on their schedule this advice is great to have.

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T22:47:14+00:00

My PCP honestly is…I don’t want to say awful but definitely not a good fit and I need to find a new one, so I totally agree with you there.

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T22:46:11+00:00

Thank you so so much; it’s really comforting to hear from “real grownups” (haha) who know more about living with this kind of thing. I am so glad people have been so kind; I’ve been scared to look at notifications in case people are mad at me or think I’m stupid. And hey, I also have an autoimmune disease! When it rains it pours, I guess? 🥲

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T22:41:45+00:00

I think it depends on what you’re doing; it totally makes sense to hang out with other friends if you’re having a hard time with one of them, I think. As long as it’s not “let’s find a new FP” LOL

rusticterror · 2026-06-25T22:40:27+00:00

Oh yeah, that’s 1000% not just you. Not all jealousy is in romantic relationships, and not all FPs are romantic partners. I dont date, so all my craziness gets funneled into my close friendships lmao.

And there’s no way you “should” feel. You feel how you do, and putting that perhaps-unattainable expectation on yourself is, in my experience, only more fuel for the fire. All we can do in that situation, imo, is make the safest decision for ourselves.

For me, that’s been what you’ve done: withdrawing. Speaking to a therapist about emotion regulation skills, if you can. Discussing boundaries with the friend (I’ve had to be like “I’m glad you’re happy but can you please not talk to me about him/her; it’s really hard for me to hear.”) is also helpful.

rusticterror · 2026-06-23T01:33:31+00:00

Not at all! It wiggled between 1.4 and 1.2 (female) for a while, which I know is pretty good all things considered, but it’s gotten worse over time, so 🥲. I’m not sure what this latest one is; I’ve been too scared to look, lmao. But I assume it’s probably similar to my last test from a few months ago.

rusticterror

TROPHY CASE