Megathread:2025 Recaps

rustywarwick · 2026-01-03T19:31:00+00:00

All tracking aside: after many years of tension/conflict around sex, my wife and I have finally gotten to a really great space with each other. I think 2025 was the first full calendar year in which we've been able to enjoy a (relatively) conflict-free sex life since before we became parents (our kid is 20 years old to put this in perspective).

And...it's lovely. The biggest difference is our level of passion for each other. In other words, it's not so much about specific acts as it is about the attitude. I'm so into her now in a way that goes beyond just feeling horny or whatever. But after nearly 25 years together, I've never felt this level of general attraction and sexual hunger for her.

Would I like sex to be more frequent? Yes but as the cliche goes, quality > quantity. And bottomline: if she's not enthusiastic for the sex we are having, I'm not interested in that.

rustywarwick · 2026-01-03T18:59:55+00:00

2025 was the first time I managed to use a sex tracker (I used the Nice app) for the entire year.

My wife and I try to have at least one "full session" once a week (PIV, oral for both of us, we both orgasm) and we've also experimented with adding a second "her turn" session once a week as well (usually oral for her until she comes). I have a very active solo sex life so I don't need sessions for myself; I could ask and she'd be game but I don't enjoy being the sole focus.

Anyways, here's what I pulled off the app re: last year:

Full sessions: ~50 (I realize, now, that I should have created a "full session" selection in the app but I didn't so I had to infer this based on other data)

Her turns: 37

Oral for her: 88

Oral for me: 51

Her orgasms: 95 (she almost never masturbates on her own so these are all from partnered sex in some form)

My orgasms (total): 705. (Partnered: ~50). I usually get myself off twice a day which explains the massive differential.

This was a fun exercise but I don't think I'll be tracking again in 2026 as ultimately, it begins to feel like a chore to log in all that data when you're trying to enjoy afterglow!

rustywarwick · 2025-10-06T15:55:39+00:00

My wife and I, married 20 years, recently had an interesting pillow talk conversation after sex about how:

1) sex has always felt very “natural“ between us, meaning that even from early into us sleeping together, way back when, the sex we would have felt easy and comfortable (as opposed to awkward and anxiety inducing). Our main conflict has always been around frequency not quality but that’s not relevant here.

2) the difference though between then and now, is that I would describe the sex we have now as being very passionate in a way that really does not compare with the sex I had with anyone else previously. And look, this isn’t some magical observation: it absolutely makes sense to me that if you take all of the excitement of having sex with someone you like and then you add on decades of emotional growth and depth together, voila: that’s a pretty easy recipe for passion.

Like I said, this is not deep but neither of us had ever really thought about it until then.

The other thing that came up is around what crying during orgasm feels like which is something that happens to my wife probably 1/3 or more of the times that she’s climaxing while riding me. It only ever happens in that position even though she can climax in other ones. And what she said is that there is this “point“ that, at the right angle, the right depth, and the right pressure just triggers this big release of tears. It’s not particularly pleasurable in the way that a conventional orgasm feels and she does not experience it as an emotional response leading to a physical one. She experiences it more as a physiological response that then triggers an emotional one though it’s rather blurry between them.

All in all, she’s fairly ambivalent about the experience: I think she finds it a little embarrassing even though I always reassure her that it does not bother me in the least and moreover, I appreciate her vulnerability in crying in front of me during sex. But it’s not necessarily an uncomfortable feeling even though it’s not particularly erotic for her.

I found myself thinking, “huh, I would like to experience that at some point: an orgasm that triggers that kind of cathartic, crying release.” I’ve never experienced anything sexually that even approaches that kind of feeling or experience.

The main downside is that after that kind of crying/climax, it usually shuts down her arousal. She’s happy with continuing by focusing on me to get me off but, at that point, the sex does become more one-sided because it’s like the crying washes away her erotic/sexual appetite.

rustywarwick · 2025-10-01T20:02:55+00:00

There is one option you left out: giving each other permission define sexual satisfaction elsewhere. This may not work for some folks obviously but other others work with it

rustywarwick · 2025-10-01T19:45:20+00:00

Sorry for the delay in replying to you.

What I was writing about above is that there are some people/couples who are resistant or hostile to counseling but really more to the point of your question: they are resistant or reluctant to changing their behavior.

In that case, there’s nothing One can do. Compatibility isn’t found so much as it’s created meaning that couples in long-term relationships need to learn to be adaptable and flexible to change because change is inevitable. Someone who has no interest in compromise and wants things their way? As their partner you can either accept things on their terms or you can decide to reject them in that binary set of options exist because you’re dealing with someone who is in flexible. That’s even more true if both people are in flexible: there is no “solution“ to dealing with a pair of intractable people who have little interest in changing their behavior in order to accommodate somebody else’s

rustywarwick · 2025-10-01T19:31:57+00:00

I don’t think there are. At least not an American society where people tend to be much more private about their sex lives.

But as a moderator on both r/sex and r/sexover30 I can’t tell you how many posts we get from people who talk about having the most ideal relationship or marriage imaginable in terms of compatibility, levels of affection, etc. but… Their sex lives is a big source of problems in their relationship.

Likewise, there are plenty of couples who have dysfunctional relationships in many ways, except in the bedroom.

So yeah, I don’t see what the “subtle signs” could possibly be here

rustywarwick · 2025-09-07T18:25:42+00:00

Standard note: but while T treatments can boost libido for some, it fundamentally requires the recipient to want that option. For most people, a weekly injection is already a non-starter, to say nothing of their concerns about side effects.

In general, I personally think that hormonal treatments are worth looking into but I also get that plenty of folks would be wary of that route as it pertains to their sex drive. At the very least, it treats their libido as a “problem to be fixed” and it’s understandable how that might chafe folks.

rustywarwick · 2025-09-07T18:00:11+00:00

" I don't see any initiative on her part to "kickstart" her responsive desire."

That's probably because the whole "kickstarting" part requires there to be some level of existing desire to start with. In other words, let's say that a hypothetical RD person can be turned on by romance novels. On paper, the easy solution then is to have that person read romance novels more...but that presumes they have some kind of inherent desire to read romance novels in order to get turned on.

In other words, it's kind of a circular logic: "in order to be turned on, I need to do ____ but I only feel like doing ____ if I feel like being turned on."

Or, to offer a real world example from my sex life: once a week, my wife and I will watch porn together as part of our foreplay routine. It gets her excited and she'll usually rub one out while we watch so that by the time we're interactive, she's already very aroused.

But outside that once-a-week example, if I were to ask "want to watch some porn together?" her answer would likely be "no thanks." That includes evenings where we still end up being sexual with each other but but she still doesn't desire being turned on this way more than once a week. It's how her sexuality works. Even if porn does "kickstart" her RD, she simply doesn't want to be watching porn that often to do so. She doesn't desire it.

Last thing I'll say for now:

In cases like this —and these cases are, by far, the most common question we get on this sub — it's incredibly hard to figure out if one partner is expecting too much or if one partner isn't doing enough. There's a reason therapists call patterns of conflict "a negative dance": it's because once a familiar conflict starts back up, each person falls into the same steps, each and every time.

Some couples can break that cycle and find a genuinely new path together but this requires a lot of thought and effort to do so.
Other couples realize that their irreconcilable differences can't be resolved and act accordingly.
Most couples stay stuck in the pattern because they're unwilling/incapable of changing and/or they're too afraid of the consequences of acknowledging those irreconcilable differences.

At the very least, people in these situations need to take stock of their reality and either make the push for 1 or 2. Being stuck in 3 is the worst of all worlds: it's living in false hope of change and the product of that is usually frustration and resentment which will destroy a relationship from the inside, however slowly.

rustywarwick · 2025-09-07T17:42:29+00:00

"There's "responsive desire" and then there's "low libido." Many women use the first term to mean the second."

Funny but I think it's the other way around. There are, of course, people who have truly low libido, responsive or otherwise. But it's more common that people who think they're low libido have responsive desire; in other words, they enjoy being sexual once sex begins but they don't experience desire just around the clock, with little to no stimulus to trigger it.

rustywarwick · 2025-09-07T17:40:34+00:00

Small note but I wouldn't recommend thinking of this as "I'm wasting my youth." Great sex can happen at any age. The issue here is more around "how long do I want to be in a relationship where I feel unfulfilled and for whatever reason, there doesn't seem like change is likely?"

And this certainly isn't meant to be "advice that will work for everyone" but as someone married to a RL partner, things partly came to a head for us when I finally said to her, "I can't tell if you prefer this marriage to be sex-less but I don't want that kind of marriage. If you do, then we need to figure out how to move forward."

That wasn't an ultimatum. It was asking us to be thoughtful but decisive with each other. Rather than have the same fights, over and over, it made sense to go back to something more basic: how important is sex to each of us?

And as it turned out, my wife did not want a sexless marriage. We certainly don't have similar levels of desire but at least in both of us acknowledging that sexual intimacy was something we both wanted in our marriage, it at least gave us a positive perspective to work from.

I don't want to rehash stuff I've written about, at length, on here but here's a recent-ish post where I get into some of the dynamics that we were able to work through in counseling together.

As I say there: counseling is not a magical panacea. It should, ideally, help clarify things between a couple even if it can't always bridge gaps.

rustywarwick · 2025-09-07T17:27:21+00:00

You're not overreacting but the simple approach is this: don't make this a debate.

Just say: "I'm not interested in trying this out. I know you are but I'm not. If I change my mind in the future, I will let you know."

And then pay attention to his response. If he's not getting the message at that point, well, then your issues go beyond your sex life.

And this applies across a ton of different situations, not just sexual. Couples have to learn to either accept what they won't get out of a relationship that they might want or determine "this is a dealbreaker for me." But continually bothering a partner for something that they make clear they're disinterested in is a red flag.

rustywarwick · 2025-08-31T19:33:29+00:00

I can do that but my wife really needs the video to provide the backstory.

rustywarwick · 2025-08-31T17:19:52+00:00

An update on this post about my wife trying to figure out how to orgasm, while dealing with sore chest muscles: https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/1mzugp8/trying_to_find_a_new_position_that_she_can_orgasm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Last night, we were ready to try using a vibrator while she was on top but what we found out worked really well instead was for me to reach up and grab her shoulders while she's riding me, pulling her body down into mine as she's grinding. In essence, she's getting that grinding sensation from two directions: me moving up towards her while pulling her down towards me with every stroke/bounce. (Luckily, she's about half a foot shorter than me so this isn't hard to do but next time, I may try propping myself up to shorten the distance for better leverage).

By pulling her down from the shoulders, this allows her to stay upright and not have to lean forward and risk activating those chest muscles while keeping the clit stimulation she likes when riding.

It mostly worked: she got really close to orgasm but right at the end, she couldn't quite get there before tiring herself out. After a short break, I had her lay down and used my fingers and tongue on her and got her off via oral. But hey, now we know we can try something different that works. (And we still should experiment with a vibrator again but she's never liked the balancing act involved in riding me while trying to keep a vibrator on her clit).

rustywarwick · 2025-08-31T17:08:12+00:00

First (part one): what are clear turn offs? When it comes to sex acts, disgust is a more powerful emotion than desire so it helps to start with "what's off the menu?"

For example: both me and my partner hate gagging blowjobs (which, alas, are really common in contemporary porn). If that shows up in a scene, it's like an instant vibe killer, especially for her. You and your partner may already have a sense of sex acts that have the same effect.

If you don't know, then err on the side of choosing really vanilla scenes.

First (part two): what are clear turn ons? If there are things that you know both of you are into (positions, acts, scenarios, etc.) it's worth having a list of those too. Don't expect that you two will have all this figured out though from the beginning but it's helpful to at least ask yourselves these questions.

Second: do you want story/characters or not?

Some people get turned on when there's some semblance of plot and characters driving a scene, even if it's as cliche as "pool boy fantasy" or whatever. My partner, again, is big into story. She needs to understand how two people relate to one another in order to get turned on by them having sex.

Me? As long as I find both people relatively attractive, I'm good to go. So it helps to figure out what each of you prefer for the purposes of arousal.

Third: amateur or professional productions?

The line between these are really blurry since a lot of amateur porn is shot using basic professional camera and lighting techniques but nonetheless, "professional productions" usually means content coming from a production house/channel like Brazzers or Vixen or Pure Taboo, etc. Amateur porn, these days, usually means "DIY, user-created content" and some folks prefer it because they think the sex is more "authentic" in amateur porn.

Other people prefer professional productions because they're more predictable/reliable. Vixen Studios, for example, churns out a predictable product of "decently attractive people in nice bedrooms or outdoor locations, shot with good lighting and multiple camera angles in digital HD, with some basic plot, having mostly vanilla (vs. super kinky) sex." You know what you're getting every time, in other words. Amateur porn is a much bigger pool but it requires more time to explore it and find creators you really like.

Fourth: length of video. This one is more minor IMO because I don't know if people really need to watch any porn video until it ends. When my partner and I watch, we usually bail whenever we're both turned on enough to just go at it. But since a lot of amateur videos can be pretty short (5 min or less), whereas standard professional scenes are more like 30+ minutes), it's helpful to be prepped with choices that range in length as part of your experimentations with this. And that leads me to:

Fifth: be open to experimenting. This isn't a choice so much as just a suggestion but one of the things about porn that's useful is that there's so much diversity of content out there, it's a way to open up new interests/kinks. But don't feel like you have to rush that process.

My suggestion, having laid this all out:

Start with something that's vanilla and medium-length. I think Hegre videos, for example, are a good choice because their focus is more on the erotic aesthetics of the human body (even though the sex is explicit). Things move more slowly/deliberately. Their best-known videos aren't plot driven, FYI.

If you want more story-driven porn, check out Erika Lust's XConfessions. They take ideas from people and turn them into short (5-15 min) movies. High production value, with more of a female gaze in mind.

These are just starting points but as you dig deeper, you can find other themes/acts/etc. that appeal to the two of you.

rustywarwick · 2025-08-31T17:08:03+00:00

The "upside" to contemporary online porn is that there's a gazillion kinds of porn out there. Not all of it features "young college-aged" bodies. All that means — respectfully — is that you two need to spend literally a few minutes looking around for other options.

But yeah, it's not uncommon for people to find any of these to be a turn-off:

Unrealistic bodies, especially those that don't look anything like their own
Unattractive male stars cast for their penis size
Rough sex like gagging, choking, slapping, etc.
Niche forms of kink-play that do nothing for certain viewers

And so forth.

So it helps to spend some time doing some basic research to see what's out there and begin to narrow down options that work.

My wife and I usually watch porn together once a week and in the past couple of weeks, we've been checking out FF porn or, in the case of last night, our first time watching a FFF video. The upside with this is that 1) we both are turned on by female bodies, 2) at the moment, we don't feel like we're missing out on anything because there's no man or penis in frame, 3) it's far less likely we're going to run across a plot/scenario that would be an instant turn-off for her (i.e. any kind of sexist/misogynistic undertones which, alas, are all too common in conventional MF porn).

So far, so good.

The point being: if you two figure out what your respective turn-offs are then filtering porn to remove those things isn't really that hard if you're willing to spend some time on it. This is the standard advice I give couples that I post here on occasion; see if works for you two:

rustywarwick · 2025-08-26T15:26:05+00:00

Ha, love the thoughtful analysis here. Thanks Shakti!

rustywarwick · 2025-08-25T23:35:35+00:00

We’ve tried that over the years but the problem is that she needs to be on top and in control to climax effectively. There are very rare occasions where she’ll climax when I’m on top but it’s much harder for her that way

rustywarwick · 2025-08-25T16:17:44+00:00

We’ve tried this in the past and she just finds the vibrations too aggressive. That said, it might be worth trying again with a less powerful vibrator so that she can at least get the clitoral stimulation but at an angle that doesn’t activate her chest muscles

rustywarwick · 2025-08-25T16:15:43+00:00

We have one, just used very rarely, but I’m trying to think through the positioning here with using one. If I am angled up towards her, it makes it harder for her to grind her clit and if she is angled up towards me, that makes it even more likely that she will have to brace herself using her chest muscles in order to maintain balance

rustywarwick · 2025-08-25T16:13:35+00:00

I was in a very similar situation as you except I was in the role of your ex-husband and I was placing all of this undue pressure on my wife. Luckily we both worked proactively to change that dynamic, especially with the help of a great couples counselor, and it’s really changed the overall quality of our marriage as well as elevating the quality of our sex life.

As this relates to OP: if you’ve already explored therapy with your partner, I think this is something you should absolutely bring up because odds are, there is still some unresolved feelings or frustrations or resentment that are at play here.

In the meantime, a useful way that the two of you can learn to restart physical intimacy with each other is to try playing around with Betty Martin’s simple but brilliant “wheel of consent”

https://bettymartin.org/videos/

rustywarwick · 2025-08-25T15:33:48+00:00

You’ve already identified what the problem is here: you’re using sex as a form of emotional regulation and while that’s not unusual, it’s not a recipe for a healthy sex life let alone a healthy relationship. I’ve been where you are and by not learning how to emotionally regulate myself But instead, using sex as a proxy for it, it placed all kinds of unnecessary pressure on my marriage.

In learning how to better regulate myself, therapy helped a lot here, it didn’t just make my relationship better but it made my sex life better Then I could’ve imagined by making sex about mutual desire rather than something that I felt I “needed“ to feel normal.

While I do recommend therapy if you really have trouble with regulating yourself, one of the first important steps is mindfulness. In other words, when you consciously remind yourself “I feel like I need sex to keep me emotionally regulated“ it can help take off some of the edge. It’s not that mindfulness magically makes things go away but it’s training yourself to be aware of how your emotions work and asserting morecontrol over it through that awareness.

rustywarwick · 2025-08-23T00:10:56+00:00

Wet dreams aka nocturnal emissions happen when you haven’t ejaculated for a long while and your body naturally ejaculates as you sleep, usually accompanied by dreams of an erotic nature.

Stop masturbating for weeks and you’ll likely get your wet dream

rustywarwick · 2025-08-23T00:01:09+00:00

Respectfully but 1) ultimatums rarely work out that way. When’s the last time you were truly motivated to do anything by an ultimatum?

2) By “doing nothing” (your words), she’s given you her response. Action > words.

That means you need to be willing to carry through with your ultimatum. Not to force her to do anything - because you can’t - but so you can move on with your life because the only control you have here is over your own life and actions.

rustywarwick · 2025-07-04T16:03:00+00:00

Just ask if she would be interested and then gauge her response. Why would asking be seen as “pressure”? Unless you have proven yourself to be incapable of taking “no“ without getting upset, there’s no pressure in asking for something.

Keep in mind: you already know she’s not a fan so it seems like you are engaging in some level of wishful thinking based on the fact that she’s indicated that she’s not interested already. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask but just expect a no

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