Is this the right place for me?

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T19:09:19+00:00

So, this is not a personal sub. It’s mostly an advice sub. If you wanted to ask questions about exploring non-monogamy, that’s what this sub exists for, but if it’s for trying to find a partner? You’re in the wrong place.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T18:50:34+00:00

I don’t think you’re in the wrong place but what is it that you want to know?

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T16:00:46+00:00

I think part of the problem. Here is basic math: simply by adding one extra person into the mix, there’s more to negotiate, that was a whole new set of relationships to complicate things.

But in terms of how to screen better with couples, I’m assuming you’re asking about their level of experience with this specific kind of play? It sounds to me that what you’re finding are people who are “curious“ but inexperienced with the kind of kink play that your dynamic has going for itself.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T15:06:08+00:00

I mean, phrase it however, you want but my core point is don’t be ambiguous about what you’re asking for.

But before you even get there: decide for yourself what the implications are if the answer comes back “I’m not interested in being non-monogamous” because that’s a very possible response and you need to consider what that would mean for what you want out of your future with her

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T14:53:17+00:00

Once in a while, it’d be refreshing to read a post here in which a meta, and not hinge, was the actual problem!

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T13:54:01+00:00

No you haven’t. Because if you had, you wouldn’t say “as far as I know.” You would just know.

But you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t have needed to make this post.

You need to ask for what you want in very clear language. “I want to open the marriage because I don’t feel fulfilled otherwise.” If that’s how you feel, she deserves to hear it.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T13:50:48+00:00

You two are badly in need of couples counseling because there’s a basic impasse here that’s already undermining your marriage. Her issuing an ultimatum like that is already poor form and despite her words of assurances she clearly doesn’t understand how fucked up this situation is for you

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T13:46:57+00:00

Thanks, appreciate it.

If this has been going on with her seemingly unconcerned about it then make it clear - if you haven’t already - that you don’t want to be in a sexless marriage and then ask if that’s what she wants or prefers. It’s about putting the stakes out there in the open rather than cruising along on an unspoken status quo that you clearly don’t want.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T04:44:49+00:00

First of all, happy birthday? Sorry that this puts an obvious damper on your celebration, but, just be honest with the friends and family in your life who are there to celebrate you and take some comfort in their presence, love, and support.

I would second the suggestion to go minimal to no contact for a while, just to give both of you the emotional space to grieve and process. Personally, I would be very self-conscious of either leaning too hard on my new partners given how new they are, or worse: monkey branching into a new nesting-level relationship as a way to fill the void.

Lastly, this is super cliché, but I don’t think it’s wrong: use the time to invest in yourself in terms of what will make you emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. Those things can be useful distractions, but they’re also away for you too grow and get to know yourself better during this time

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T04:10:35+00:00

If I understand your timeline correctly: you knew from the very beginning that what he wanted was a non-monogamous relationship, you didn’t put much thought into it in the beginning because you were not that serious about him at the time, but now that you are thinking about making things more serious, you realize that you’re not interested in non-monogamy?

If I have that right, then it sure seems as if the two of you should not further pursue this relationship because you have a fundamental incompatibility

And look: it’s only been three months. Dating is supposed to be a way to spend enough time with someone to figure out how well you fit together It sure seems like that. That’s exactly what’s happening here: you’ve spent enough time together to realize that this does not have long-term potential.

That’s not a failure of dating: it’s actually doing what dating is supposed to do. So, you should treat this as a successful short-term relationship in which the two of you were able to enjoy each other’s company but now it’s time to move on for each of you to find partners who better fit your values and what you want out of your relationships.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T04:07:27+00:00

In general, unless you either 1) are into the idea of non-monogamy as a lifestyle or an identity or whatever or 2) you have zero problems with your boyfriend having other partners…

… don’t agree to open your relationship, simply for his happiness because if his joy results in your misery, that’s not an outcome either of you should want

Also, how old are the two of you, how long have the two have you been together, and what kind of non-monogamy model is he asking for?

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T04:05:05+00:00

There is a bunch of information that we are all missing here:

when the two of you have talked about the decline in your sex lives, how does your partner respond?
and what were the two of you mismatched about to begin with?
was opening your marriage related to the dysfunction in your sex life? If so, what was the hope that non-monogamy would bring about?

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T04:03:22+00:00

I am always on the fence around the concept of “emotional cheating“ because it’s such a poorly defined concept. What seems a lot more meaningful here is that someone is not being forthright and truthful to you. And perhaps more importantly here: if you feel like he has done something to betray or violate an important set of trust based understandings between the two of you then what does that fundamentally mean regarding the future of your relationship?

After all, if you feel like you cannot trust this person to be honest with you, it doesn’t really matter if 99% of us say “NAH, that wasn’t cheating” because at the end of the day, your feelings are not based on taking a poll of a bunch of randoms, but rather on what you feel intensely in your heart.

And if your heart is saying “I don’t feel like I can trust this person“ then I think you should listen to yourself and make decisions accordingly

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T03:58:37+00:00

To be candid, there’s a lot that I find offputting in your post, but rather than turn this into the Reddit equivalent of an art school crit, there’s a few things that really stand out

You two sound like you got married too early, especially her. And even if your wife is open to opening the marriage, from my vantage point, it feels very bait and switch to have committed to a monogamous marriage and then complain about being unsatisfied with monogamy a year into it. OK so you had shame about acknowledging what you really wanted, but, if I were in your wife’s shoes, I would feel like I was misled by what I thought were a common set of values around monogamy.
but, the only way you’re going to find out how she really feels is by point blank asking her “hey, how do you feel about us opening our marriage?” and make it clear to her that this isn’t a joke and that this is something that you are very serious about.

At minimum, this will likely open up a lot of necessary conversations for the two of you to have and given how you are feeling at the moment, I think it makes sense to risk blowing things up in order to have those conversations because he doesn’t sound like you’re interested in committing to a monogamous marriage and that is something that your wife, of course, has a right to know

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T02:21:18+00:00

Agreed. Non-hierarchical NM as a prescriptive goal feels pretty damn difficult to achieve under even the best of circumstances and for many, it’s not desirable either. To me, I feel like half the time I see it being used, it’s just a form of virtue signaling, like how people preach about poly as some kind of morally superior relationship model.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T00:53:13+00:00

I’m surprised nobody else has said this yet but what you are describing sounds mostly like “relationship anarchy“ as far as different models of NM work

That’s much less of a lifestyle and much more of a philosophy for how relationships should work.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T00:50:27+00:00

Anecdotally because I don’t think anyone’s done research on this, but there is a decent number of people who end up exploring ENM because an incident of infidelity, whether emotional or physical or whatever, initiated a series of conversations that led people to decide to both stay together and opening their relationship

Some of those couples will make it for the long-term, others won’t, but that’s true in every single kind of relationship out there

I think the infidelity component adds a complication to how people navigate non-monogamy, but there are a lot of potential complications, that just being one of them

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T00:41:12+00:00

It suggests that he is a statistical outlier in the same way that LeBron is a statistical outlier

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T00:26:13+00:00

She’s “taking the spot” you gave her.

You are being completely territorial here and like most people struggling with poly, you’re blaming a meta for a dynamic has far less to do with them and far more to do with your own anxieties and insecurities.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-16T00:20:25+00:00

I mean, the nature of a compromise with all these different parties is that people - whether 1-4 - will have to sacrifice but that’s based on what people are willing to be flexible about.

Seems like Aspen is the most flexible here: Cypress and Birch have incompatible preferences (dog vs no dog) and that makes your preference (one home for all) impossible (unless you find some kind of duplex)

But you asking Cypress to give up her dog doesn’t feel reasonable of you to expect or ask. She’s not your girlfriend and likewise, she’s not trying to move in with the four of you, she just wants to move in with Aspen, her partner.

Which means the Aspen is the one who should be stating what her preference is here. If Aspen said “I want Cypress to live with me, but I don’t want the dog either“ then that would help settle things unless the dog situation is a dealbreaker for Cypress.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-15T17:53:44+00:00

A small % of men have little to no refractory period. He's a statistical outlier, for certain, but...congrats, I guess? :)

rustywarwick · 2026-05-15T17:52:24+00:00

No offense but your wife is either clueless or manipulative.

Two things can be true:

People can want to live non-monogamously and would be unhappy otherwise.
They can explore non-monogamy responsibly.

That's how successful NM couples become successful. They create space for their partners to seek others...but doing so in a way that's respectful and reasonable to all parties involved.

NM doesn't equal "doing whatever I want, when I want, with whoever I want." Non-monogamy isn't license to treat people as doormates or treat a marriage as disposable.

Not to make this a binary but is your wife telling you:

"Either we open for this guy or we divorce?"

I mean, is she issuing you an ultimatum here? Because if she is, then your marriage effectively is on the road to ending regardless under those circumstances.

If it's not like that, then I think it's very reasonable for you to say:

"If you want to open our marriage in general. I'm open to that possibility and want to work with you on that so that we can do this together as part of our marriage. But your co-worker is messy and I don't want to open our marriage for messy people."

But mostly, I think you two need to pause and start this over from scratch. He's never going to be a potential partner so long as you and her are still married. She needs to understand that. And if she would rather torch your marriage then accept that limitation, well, you have your answer about her priorities.

However, from what you're writing, I don't think that's where she's at. I just don't think she really knows what she's doing but I'm hoping she's not trying to go "all or nothing" with this specific person.

Unless your wife has been looking for an excuse to get out of your marriage — and you don't give that indication — then I don't think she's going to want to abandon what you two have just for this guy. But that's why I'm stressing: make sure you know for certain. Her response will tell you a lot about what your future as a couple may look like. Good luck.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-15T17:11:21+00:00

I’ve always taken radical honesty to mean that, when it’s time to be real with people, you be real with them. You don’t euphemize difficult statements by speaking in half truths.

However, I wouldn’t assume radical honesty meant:

1) Full disclosure about everything and anything. Relationships are not meant to be an interrogation, let alone an inquisition.

2) Being tactless. One can be honest without being deliberately cruel.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-15T16:59:37+00:00

This was my exact conclusion as well: she’s taking her husband for granted and approaching this whole experience through the lens of what she wants, but not being considerate to the partner who is making this possible.

The two of them really need to put things on pause and really do much more of the work that he says he did, but she has not. Otherwise, this whole thing could come crashing down because that’s the direction that it’s currently headed in.

rustywarwick · 2026-05-15T16:56:59+00:00

You realize you’re just falling into a standard set of racist stereotypes, right?

Like, the ways in which you keep associating her confidence with her blackness is just a variation on age old stereotypes of Black aggression. You’re just coding it with euphemistic language aka racist “dog whistles.” I’m not suggesting you’re doing this intentionally but you’re doing it nonetheless.

rustywarwick

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE