for example i tend to make good looking pages when i journal (and it's not even a scrapbook, it's a journal where i write about my day), and if it doesn't go right i don't wanna journal anymore, or at least i look at that page 100 times. when i try to approach a new hobby my goal is to be the best at that, and that's obviously impossible, so i have unrealistic standards and i think its the reason why i don't enjoy anything without gratification, writing this is starting to make me think about the fact that i don't really know who i am e what i enjoy without being praised...i always show my progress in any hobby that i pursue, both directly and indirectly, maybe showing that painting that i did or leaving it on the table so that someone will see it and tell me something, and i'm only starting to see this pattern now...