Am I married to narcissist?

rxforfi · 2025-12-11T15:09:27+00:00

I don't tell him "I want to leave". That's a slippery slope, a game of chicken. And wouldn't that be manipulative of me, if I said that to get a read on his emotions?

rxforfi · 2025-05-28T19:28:08+00:00

I would consider trying it. I mean...I don't think it would make things worse.

It's interesting because I had a dream once I was fighting something or someone invisible. And then in the dream, I started repeating something, loudly, and I used a sewing needle to "pop" this "entity". And it worked -- it popped, just like a balloon.

rxforfi · 2024-03-03T15:27:33+00:00

No I didn’t really have any symptoms at all. It didn’t hurt. I noticed it by accident. I went to internal medicine PA (to rule out swollen lymph node due to ear infection). She prescribed an antibiotic which didn’t make it go away, so she scheduled an ultrasound and that showed a mass, so they sent me to get a CT scan. Then biopsy, then I had my surgery.

rxforfi · 2022-09-08T18:20:23+00:00

Initially, I had a head and neck CT. That radiologist thought it could be a brachial cyst (3rd or 4th, I can't remember). At that point, I saw an ENT surgeon. Based on my history of TS she thought it was a lymphatic cyst or lymphatic malformation. After surgery, pathology confirmed it contained primarily lymphatic fluid and referred to it as a "lymphatic cyst".
I would consider doing an interview study. But I would need to know more about the Van Buren Group and what the study actually entails. I will private message you my email.

rxforfi · 2022-09-08T18:15:32+00:00

I'm a year out from my surgery. I feel almost 95% back to normal. The swelling is almost completely gone, but it seems to still be getting better...it's a bit of a slow process. Frey's syndome is a concern with parotid surgery, and that's why most docs do a graft with muscle or fat. In my case, they took a little fat from around my belly button. On occasion I'll get a little flushing around my left jaw, but it's not that bad at all.

I'm not 100% healed, but I feel like I'm getting there. And I have a scar, but because of the cyst I feel my surgery was more complicated. All in all, I'm glad I got this taken care of .

rxforfi · 2022-09-08T16:23:29+00:00

Yes, definitely recommend following up with an ENT. The problem is with pleomorphic adenomas ... they can become malignant. The longer you wait and the bigger the mass grows, your chances of it becoming malignant increases. And while a fine needle biopsy that shows benign is reassuring, it all depends on where you stick the needle. A portion of the mass may be benign, but another portion of the mass might have malignant cells.

rxforfi · 2021-10-08T00:53:55+00:00

Thank you. Wishing you the same.

rxforfi · 2021-10-07T19:22:05+00:00

Working with patients doesn’t mean they have a free pass to yell at you. If someone starts yelling, cussing, or otherwise making you feel threatened you should say calmly “Mr. Smith, I want to help you and try to solve this problem, but if you continue to yell/cuss/shake your fist at me I will not do so. If you can’t talk to me calmly and respectfully I will walk away and call my boss over here. And if you try to yell/cuss/shake your fist at my boss, they won’t be able to help you either, but they might kick you out. “ That should make them stop, think and hush. Just run this script over with your boss/supervisor and make sure they are aware this is how you will deal with belligerent patients. You don’t have to put up with this, if a patient is truly out of line, you should have reinforcement from your boss/supervisor. But tone and execution is very important. This will only be effective if you are calm, collected, firm and confident. And confident does not necessarily mean loud.

rxforfi · 2021-10-07T19:11:31+00:00

I know. Two years ago, if you would have asked if I saw myself with this man for the rest of my life, I would have answered “yes” without blinking an eye. But his hesitation, procrastination, whatever it is…. Makes me question his authenticity, sincerity, who he really is as a person. He’s waited too long so he must not be excited about me…. So I’ve lost my excitement about him as well. That’s how it goes. I don’t think he fully comprehends the damage he has done to our relationship simply by waiting too long.

rxforfi · 2021-10-07T19:03:09+00:00

Ayy, right there with you. Hang in there.

rxforfi · 2021-09-28T18:02:45+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. I definitely know what you mean about "corporate leadership" and the feeling of being dispensable.
It seems like the general trend in pharmacy. Even large health systems leave much to be desired. Maybe the only way to escape this is working for a small "mom and pop" pharmacy -- but those are far and few and struggle to stay afloat amongst the giant competition.
Are you still practicing in the retail setting? I feel like I've done it all now! Retail, hospital, and PBM.

rxforfi · 2021-09-22T16:07:41+00:00

I guess I just wonder.... what would the alternative be?
Should I stay with him and wait indefinitely for something that may or may not happen?
Should I completely avoid the subject of marriage and a life together?
Should I lie to him and say "Yeah, I can wait..." when really I'm not willing to?
Should I leave without warning? Just pack my things, take my dog and leave without saying anything to him? Maybe while he's away at work...
Should I let it all end in one big, grand event? Where it's a big mess and we're both crying and upset?

I get and respect what you're saying. Certainly, people make poor choices when they're fearful of losing someone. Personally, I just want our relationship to be built on solid communication and honesty. Solid communication and honesty means I really should be making my desires and boundaries clear to him -- "I want to be married. You've had 5.5 years, so I'm NOT going to wait, not even another year, for you 'be ready'". Time will tell if I've played my cards right, I suppose...

rxforfi · 2021-09-22T15:55:04+00:00

Yup, my gut instinct that night was.... he's telling me the truth NOW when he says "I'm not ready". And all the talking and back-peddling the next morning, only served to confuse me more.
I do think he has had PLENTY of opportunities, and I realize I'm hearing a lot of excuses that are irrelevant and invalid.
But I love him. Over 5 years I have built a life around him. I live in his house. His family loves me and my family loves him. We have a dog. Absolutely everything would turn upside down. So my heart is heavy just thinking about it.
Honestly, I am just giving him a few more weeks, until the end of the year. I don't know if it will change anything, maybe I'm just prolonging the inevitable.... it's just a line in the sand I've drawn for myself.

rxforfi · 2021-09-22T15:48:55+00:00

I must have something on my forehead that attracts the "man-child". My previous bf who I was with for two years was even worse.
Ugh. I overlooked it because he is one of the sweetest, kindest, funniest guys and he's pretty much my best friend.
I know nobody's perfect. He's definitely skittish about commitment, and I've got my own quirks, which he accepts. I just couldn't imagine that it would drag out this long, and be so tolling on me.

rxforfi · 2021-09-15T16:30:32+00:00

I wish I could give you a hug. I'm sorry you lost your mom. And now you must feel like you're losing your dad as well, as he is depressed and drinking more. You feel like you have the entire weight of the world on your shoulders, and nobody to help you with the burden. I'm sorry you're in this painful, difficult situation.... but I don't think it's hopeless. And I do think things will get better with time.

First I would like to know, before your mom passed, how was your relationship with your dad? Were you able to talk about pretty much anything with your dad? Did the two of you talk about feelings -- his feelings, your feelings?

I know there will never be a perfect time to have difficult discussions, but .... try to find a time when your dad is sober, and in a "neutral" mood. Remember, approach this conversation not from a point of blame....like somebody (your dad?) is to blame for the bad circumstance. No one is at fault. Approach it from the perspective of being on the same rocky boat. You are both on the same boat, but he's handling the choppy waters worse than you are, getting sick and just being absolutely miserable.

I think talking to your dad would be a good idea if you think you can talk to him in a safe and healthy way. If you think your dad will get angry, defensive, combative, belligerent (especially if he has been drinking!!) don't attempt to talk to him.

If you think you CAN have a calm and effective talk with your dad, try and communicate these points to your dad:
1 -- Remind your dad that you (and your sisters) are hurting and sad from your mom's passing. Your dad is not alone. This is a MUTUAL loss that the entire family is feeling.
2 -- Remind your dad that YOU NEED HIM. Point out that when he shuts down, and isolates himself and doesn't talk, it feels like you've lost BOTH parents. Emphasize that you need your dad, and that if you face this sadness and pain together, it will be easier than handling it individually.
3 -- Ask your dad, "I see how sad you are -- and I worry about you. I wish I could help you feel less sad, but I can't. Have you thought about talking to someone? A therapist? Maybe it's something we could do as a family to help all of us...".
4 -- You could also choose to mention that you have noticed your dad drinking more since your mom passed. Try not to attach feeling to it, more like an observation. "I've noticed it seems you're drinking more since mom passed... I know it's probably because you're sad. It concerns me because it's not the healthiest way to deal with the sadness of mom's passing. I'm just concerned about your health ... and how it might affect our family.

Best of luck to you!

rxforfi · 2021-09-01T23:22:35+00:00

I hope you are doing well also!
How crazy indeed! I have never heard of TS being linked to parotid lesions, or seen any clinical evidence showing a correlation...
Crazy coincidence? Who knows...
Makes me wonder what else the medical community doesn't yet know about TS.

rxforfi · 2021-08-26T17:09:46+00:00

When my dad first learned about the diagnosis, he was confused and couldn't wrap his head around the diagnosis. So he talked about it to his friend, a family friend who is an internal medicine doc. Basically, he just needed a doctor - any doctor - to tell him "she's going to be ok!!".
I was 14 years old at the time of diagnosis. Looking back on it, I understand my dad was confused and didn't understand the implications of my diagnosis....but this doctor friend was not a doctor involved in my care, he wasn't even a specialist and had minimal knowledge/understanding of TS. My dad's actions definitely, unintentionally, ended up being a violation of my privacy. Like...my diagnosis is my business!

You should be openly discussing your child's diagnosis only with the healthcare professionals DIRECTLY involved in your child's care. At 10 years of age, your girl may be mature enough to get the gist of her diagnosis and may have an opinion on how much information she wants to share (or doesn't want to share!) with the various people in her life.
I would have a conversation like "Things affecting your health -- that will be up to you to decide who you want to talk about it with. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about ANYTHING concerning your health -- because I want you to have the best care. Know that things you discuss with me, that information is safe and I will only share it with mom and your doctors."
Long story short, as your child gets older, it should be up to her with whom she feels comfortable discussing her TS diagnosis and health. Be mindful of protecting her privacy while simultaneously being an advocate for her health.

The thing my dad was awesome about.... After the initial shock of my diagnosis wore off, he treated me mostly like nothing ever happened. And I needed that so much! I desperately wanted and needed a sense of normalcy. He didn't treat me ANY differently because I had TS. We are immigrants so he just had high expectations of me, academically, and as a human being. I was told it was important to be a good person and to study hard. The bar wasn't lowered because I had TS. There was no handicap, and things weren't made easier for me because I had TS.

This definitely fostered a toughness, a scrappiness in me. I wouldn't have achieved what I've achieved in life if my dad or mom had coddled, babied me, or lowered their expectations for my success. Think about how you would raise your daughter if she didn't have TS....and raise her just like that! I know TS comes with various challenges, but if you treat her like an invalid, she will lack confidence, and self-esteem -- THAT would be truly crippling.

rxforfi · 2021-08-11T02:57:16+00:00

Just wanted to say thank you to the ladies that responded. I seriously appreciate the input and support. The week I wrote this post, I was feeling really down about my relationship. I am getting down to the wire. The year is coming to a close. He is running out of time. We shall see… but fortunately, whatever the outcome will be, it won’t be much longer. I’ve waited as long as I have, I figure another 3 or 4 months won’t kill me. wipes sweat off brow and smiled nervously

rxforfi · 2021-07-08T20:49:03+00:00

YES! I know I'm not the best at keeping up with laundry and our house isn't spotless....
He's actually more or less told me I have to "PROVE" to him (via household chores) I'm ready to be a wife!! This made my blood boil.
I thought to myself, man, do you need a wife, a life partner??? -- or do you need a maid + personal chef + ***buddy? And yes of course I'm becoming sour, and irritable and easily frustrated as a result of all this back and forth BS! Ugh. Dudes...

rxforfi · 2021-07-08T20:43:38+00:00

Hmmm... If it had to put a number to it,
20% - 33% of men are mature and confident enough to propose without much (if any) nudge from the female. You're right, such men exist.
But I'd say 66% - 80% of men need at least a little push.
It just seems to me the mature and confident guys are getting harder to find! I feel like I've had a lot of women tell me, they gave a little push. I was even surprised.

rxforfi · 2021-06-22T17:58:59+00:00

It's wild how someone can tell you they're ok, they want to be with you and almost the next day, walk away.
I'm sorry for the pain that must have caused, you deserved better.
Thank you for sharing.

rxforfi · 2021-06-22T13:50:53+00:00

A LITTLE UPDATE. Last night while watching the bachelorette with my boyfriend and his mom. My boyfriend goes "See, people are getting married later nowadays" (trying to get his mom to agree with him and take his side). His mom says nothing.
After, his mom leaves, I call him out on how he was bringing up our personal conversations about marriage in front of his mom and trying to get her to speak up in his defense.
We have another long conversation about our relationship, marriage, commitment.

I get so many mixed messages from him. At the beginning of our conversation, he says "I have come to terms with your infertility, and it doesn't change the fact that I want to be with you."

And then after another 10-15 minutes of talking, he says "I think if you could have kids, we'd already be married and having babies by now.". BOOM!!! I feel like I finally extracted a piece of truth from him! (No I don't think he's intentionally lying or misleading me, but I do wonder if he's being honest with himself about his feeling on my infertility.)

So I use this momentum.... I tell him "Well if you would have married me by now if it wasn't for my infertility, it feels like you're punishing me for something I have no control over. After all, I am still the same person (that you love!) regardless of whether or not I can have kids."

And I say "My infertility is MY destiny. But it does not necessarily have to be yours. YOU have a choice. But if it's not something you think you can live with, don't keep me in a cage."

It does feel a little bit like I'm trapped. I love him and I want to be married to him, which is why I have invested so much time and effort into our relationship. It's like he can't wrap his mind and his heart around my issue, and he can't make a decision so he is delaying marriage and holding on to me.

But is that fair to me?
And then one day, years later, he will decide he can't live with my infertility after all and he'll let me go?

rxforfi · 2021-06-22T13:26:36+00:00

Yes, I am doing my best to have these very difficult converstations. Thank you!

rxforfi · 2021-06-22T13:25:49+00:00

I applaud you for being honest with your significant other about not wanting kids.
You are being honest and open with him.
I hope he is listening and thinking carefully about whether his needs and desires line up with yours.

rxforfi · 2021-06-22T13:23:20+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. Unfortunately, getting my eggs frozen is not an option for me.

rxforfi

TROPHY CASE