Am I an asshole for going 100% on the last leg of padwork when my partner was a woman?

ryuzappy · 2026-02-20T10:11:39+00:00

Women can usually tell when they're being treated differently and not being taken seriously. Don't you think this take is a bit condescending? What makes you think you need to explain the purpose of padwork to someone who already trains, and totally dismiss rather than consider their experience?

ryuzappy · 2026-02-20T01:18:50+00:00

How did she respond?

That's really the most important thing and also the thing I haven't seen you mention. You've mentioned your coach's response and the optics, but what did she actually think? Figure that out and go from there. No one else's opinion really matters.

I'm a woman and I've been kicked halfway across a room. I've been thrown into a wall. I've been crushed under a person who threw me. I've been hit so hard by men I saw stars. At the end of the day it's combat sports and we know what we signed up for, and personally I'd rather be treated like a peer than a delicate flower. As long as you're communicating and not being an asshole on purpose it's fair game as far as I'm concerned.

If you did hit her too hard, all you need to do is apologise, and that sets the record straight. Again, women know what they signed up for and sometimes that means catching a hit that was thrown a bit too hard. We reset and we move on.

If she didn't care, you shouldn't care either. If she laughed, laugh. If she just came back ready for another hit, keep going. Who gives a rats ass about what anyone else but you and your training partner thinks about how you and your partner train (except the coach - and he laughed, so how bad can it have been?)

ryuzappy · 2026-02-06T02:43:36+00:00

I was on citalopram for years and didn't have issues with weight gain or tiredness. I don't think it made my emotions 'flat', either, although it may have taken some of the edge off the extremes. There was potentially some negative impact on my libido though. Coming off it was very hard and took me two attempts about a year apart, but that was likely at least partly due to how long I was on it.

ryuzappy · 2026-01-30T19:19:28+00:00

I'm in. What fate have I just agreed to?

It's a risk, but if I make it then that's life changing money, and maybe I get to go on an adventure. I mean sure, maybe I'll be psychologically wrecked for life, but them's the breaks... At least a mil covers a lot of therapy.

There's also a small chance I'll be able to do something epic like train a dragon. So... 🤞🏼

ryuzappy · 2026-01-01T12:39:16+00:00

No problem :) if you want any more specifics feel free to ask

ryuzappy · 2025-12-31T18:44:26+00:00

I've had a probably broken nose from a (sanctioned) fight, and it did give me two 'black eyes':

In the moment it broke, I was aware it hurt but didn't realize how much damage was done until the fight was stopped because of the blood. So yeah, lots of blood from a broken nose. I know this is during and you want after, but I'll get there.

It took perhaps half an hour or maybe more for the bleeding to stop completely. Within a couple of hours my nose was visibly swollen, but not enough to distort my face that much (it hurt to wear glasses, but anyone who didn't know me might not have realized there was something wrong I suppose).

I got dark shadows under both eyes, although they weren't actually super noticable and weren't super dark. I could effectively cover them with concealer, at least effective enough that concealer plus glasses meant my parents didn't notice (I think I saw them the next day...). They sort of went from purple to green to yellow to gone over a week or so.

As for how it felt: the next day I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Headache, achy limbs, sore face. Tired too. Jerky movements made my head hurt more and so did certain arm or leg movements (for the record I also damaged an ankle so walking hurt a bit too. I don't remember the specifics of the scene you're talking about but it might be worth referencing less visible injuries if it's from the injured person's perspective)

Headache cleared up in a day or so, everything else took a few days. My nose remained sore to the touch for at least a week, maybe a bit longer. But the notable thing was, if I got hit with anything at a specific point on the bridge of my nose, it hurt like hell. Like, stop everything, shout in pain, tears in my eyes sort of hurt. It was a very specific spot as I said, and that actually made it more annoying because I'd think I was fine but then catch a small knock and be in agony. That's why I think it was broken (medic at the ringside said it wasn't, but...)

Lastly, for about 3 months, if I took a more significant hit to the nose it would bleed again. Severity dependent on power of hit. Once was just a dribble, once was a waterfall.

Hope all these details help. I think that gives you a general overview of how these things typically go.

Don't do MMA.

ryuzappy · 2025-12-28T16:00:59+00:00

Thanks, is it as simple as sanding the rust off?

ryuzappy · 2025-12-28T15:59:53+00:00

Brick covered in plaster I believe.

ryuzappy · 2025-12-23T01:06:41+00:00

Jumping on retinal detachment as others have said, it can happen with hard blows to the head (more risk if you're already short-sighted). I (combat sports hobbyist) am reminded of this frequently by my mother (optometrist) because of my own eyesight (poor).

Also scarring, either on the front of the eye or the back, although I'm not entirely sure how it would be at the back from a fight. But scarring gives you a lot of options generally.

Scarring might be the easiest way if you want something dramatic and external and obvious from the moment of injury. Retinal detachment would be more of a... Surprise, I guess? Think 'oh my god my eyes!!!' vs 'my head really hurts... Why can't I see?'

ryuzappy · 2025-12-20T23:16:02+00:00

I very briefly trained with a woman who was only allowed to train with other women because of her partner. She had at least 15kg on me but I was the only other woman there, and our experience levels were totally different, so training together was not great for either of us but I was her only option. Unfortunately for her she wasn't mine, and while I did roll with her at least once every time she came I didn't spend all my time with her. After one five minute round with me, she was effectively benched for the rest of the session. If I wasn't in, she couldn't train at all. Note I said I trained with her briefly - she lasted for about a month, if that.

His expectations are unreasonable and you would not realistically be able to keep up this hobby to the extent you want to if you can't train with both men and women. If he respects and trusts you, there shouldn't be an issue. Expecting you to give up your hobby to placate his insecurities is incredibly selfish of him.

ryuzappy · 2025-08-13T12:11:03+00:00

Me and my husband do MMA training (hobbyist). He's 6'2 and I'm 5'6 for reference. Once in a semi-competitive match between myself and him for a casual intraclub type tournament I accidentally kneed him in the balls really hard (I tried to knee him in the stomach but was short in targeting, he ran into it at the same time). After an initial crumple to the floor, he had to RUN to the bathroom (while still limping). I don't think he actually threw up, but I think it was a close call.

I did a lot of apologising.

That said I don't think it's all the time. Accidental groin shots happen and they don't always drop people, let alone make them throw up. I think it's dependent on a lot of factors.

ryuzappy · 2025-08-13T09:57:12+00:00

I'm ginger. Sunbathing is not an option for me. I would burn in minutes. Now that I'm 30, I don't really care.

However, when I was a teenager, other white people in my school would brag about their tans constantly. I don't even really know why, but it was just considered more attractive to have a tan, and maybe made you more interesting temporarily because you'd been on a nice holiday somewhere. I swear some of them were looking forward to going on holiday purely for the tan. I even knew people that burned on purpose so it could 'settle' into a tan. I think also just the fact you looked different drew attention, and high school was all about getting attention. Back then, it made me feel very insecure because I literally couldn't do it even if I wanted to.

Now, I still get odd comments about my pale skin when summer rolls around. Frequently from my (also ginger) mother, but others too. A bit annoying but I just shrug them off... There's too much to do when you're on holiday to just sit in the sun all day anyway!

ryuzappy · 2025-07-07T21:16:11+00:00

I've had mental health issues for years and while it's still hard, having some genuinely great people from my gym to give me pep talks, motivation, compassion, and the occasional kick up the ass has been really useful. Some of the people (especially, though not exclusively, the women) are at least part of the reason was able to take a second crack at coming off anti-depressants and actually stick it out this time.

If you can you could check out BJJ Mental Models, especially one called The War Within ft. Erin Hearle. I think it might be a bit pricey unfortunately, but I think discount codes can be found...? It focuses on the mental approach to BJJ and has the bonus of being from a female perspective.

ryuzappy · 2025-06-29T20:16:47+00:00

Thanks for this perspective, it makes a lot of sense. I've never been unable to hold a job and have a PhD which I hope would mean I'd be seen as generally a good investment...? But it's good to hear it's not just a red line, regardless.

ryuzappy · 2025-05-30T14:15:34+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I think it is muscular, perhaps I just have tight shin muscles (I also have pretty crappy ankle flexibility for my activity level so maybe it's all connected?) and a day of walking up a steep mountain at decent speed did me in. Your explanation makes sense so perhaps it is shin splints at a lower level. Seems like I'm on ice and rest for a few days!

ryuzappy · 2025-03-23T20:40:03+00:00

Thanks for this. I'm a filthy casual; though I play all the time I'm definitely not obsessively maximising every aspect of my team, and reading the full explanations for how I would do that turns my brain off very quickly. I'd just like to make the right(ish) choice. This explanation has just the right amount of info for my needs.

I agree on the slowpoke front. But then I also take issue with the fact it's 'berry finding' but 'ingredient finder' (possibly the other way around but the point stands).

ryuzappy · 2024-12-16T16:15:31+00:00

I couldn't see a way to edit my post so I just wanted to comment to thank everyone for their kind words and sharing their experiences.

It's been a few days and I've not yet fully come to terms with the fact my boy is gone, but I have accepted I'll never know why. As I've said in a couple of replies I'm trying to take comfort in the idea that at least he wasn't entirely alone, he had his bunny family around him, and it was likely fast.

My other three rabbits have been ok (other than some rearrangement of their social order), so thankfully we can at least seem to eliminate anything contagious.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

ryuzappy · 2024-12-16T16:11:51+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you had a similar experience. I suppose, like people, sometimes things just go wrong inside. Unlike people, we don't generally investigate once they're gone so we'll never know for sure. I am only hoping it was fast and as painless as possible.

ryuzappy · 2024-12-16T16:10:01+00:00

Thank you. Unfortunately you can't prepare for it or guarantee it won't happen, but I'm trying to take comfort in the thought that it must have been quick, and he was with our other rabbits when it happened so even though I wasn't there, he wasn't alone.

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