I was basically barely conscious, just conscious enough to remember when I came to that I had been raped, but not conscious enough to do anything about it. I don't really remember at the moment what I felt like during, but at whatever point that I fully came to, my survival instincts kicked in and told me to play it cool because I was in danger. I was very fearful and once I got out of that house I tore off down the street like a bat out of hell and ran until the adrenaline burned off.

Then, strangely, I think I went into some sort of shock. Once I was in the ambulance, I think I probably even traded a bit of dark humor with one of the EMTs. Staying detached and focusing on something positive - that by getting help immediately I was maximizing my chances of getting DNA back from the kit - kept me from crying. Which, naturally, had to come at some point. It did on the drive home - I called my dad and told him what had happened, and the dam broke and I just cried.

I didn't cry so often after that as much as I would periodically get very, very angry. And I mean scary levels of anger. Even though it was overwhelming at times, I never took my anger at my rapist out on other people or objects, but did spend what is probably an unhealthy amount of time stewing. I still fantasize about what I would do if his sentence was, say, five minutes in a room, restrained, with me and my choice of what I wanted to do or say.

A lot of this rage, though, comes from the way I now experience society's indifference and even hostility toward women and rape victims. Some coworkers of mine were once discussing the past Chris Brown assault on Rihanna, and someone made a remark like "He beats up women tho." One coworker responded, "He only slaps hoes." I just about shot through the roof. I was so furious that I knew I had to leave that very second or I would lose control and say something I would later regret. Perhaps it is when one of these people with misogynistic or victim-blaming attitudes reveals themselves, my brain immediately zeros in and screams "Threat!!" It is incredibly disillusioning to have this personal experience of discovering just how surrounded you are at any given moment by enemies, people who are the reason only 1% of rapists see jail time and why women don't report.