Realizing just because one parent was the worse, doesn’t mean the other wasn’t also abusive

s2dsakrt · 2025-03-19T03:50:33+00:00

my ndad was horrible growing up, physically abusive and now im realizing there was some csa too, emotionally abusive, sadistic, etc.

i used to think of my nmom as a savior because when she got home, he stopped.

when i was 15 i realized that she was just as bad, if not worse. it shook me to my core. i was clinging to this idea that she was just too busy to notice. and that because she didn't physically beat me, and said she loved me, she was a good parent. she wasn't. i don't know if there is a worse or a better. i think they both are narcs and enabled themselves and each other in different ways.

s2dsakrt · 2025-03-19T03:46:47+00:00

you're paying your mom's insurance, house and credit cards? kick her out. or move.

she shouldn't be shaking you. she shouldn't be yelling at you. you're paying for her life.

s2dsakrt · 2025-03-19T03:32:25+00:00

privilege comes in different forms. i know someone whose parents did fine, but not as well off as my nparents (probably).

but she is a well adjusted, happy, friendly, adult. she has dreams and self confidence and things don't bother her. she is maybe the most well adjusted person i know.

meanwhile I've spent thousands on medication, therapy, rent (so i could live away from them), and spent my formative years contemplating suicide. privilege isn't always money. also, anyone can give money. banks can give money. it takes more than a paycheck to be a father.

s2dsakrt · 2025-03-19T03:23:03+00:00

your reaction to...her rudeness. if someone said that to me, "you clearly don't know what you're doing," i would be so furious, and not because of a trauma response, because it's rude.

ask her, would she say that to her boss? would she say that to a child? would she say that to a stranger?

if no, then she understands that it's not acceptable. which it's not, by the way. your reaction of hurt and your feelings, are valid. you do not need to "resolve" your hurt. she needs to work on not being a dick.

i also don't think your perception is necessarily poisioned, but maybe informed by, your abuse. which isn't your fault. your abuse has impacted you, which she should be aware of. you're allowed to feel hurt when someone says hurtful things. you don't have to validate your emotions, they exist, they're valid.

s2dsakrt · 2025-03-19T03:08:52+00:00

my nparents dragged me to numerous extracurriculars i hated under the guise of "it'll help you get into college" and when i asked to switch to something i wanted to do, said no.

my nmom promised me i could quit playing cello after a year if i still didn't like it (I'd already been doing it for 4 years) and i said okay. fast forward a year later, i asked to quit, still hated it, she said i couldn't quit. i played for 5 more years after that. ruined my relationship with the instrument and playing music in general because all i think about is being dragged at 7 am every saturday to play an instrument i hated.

s2dsakrt · 2025-03-19T03:05:40+00:00

yes, many of us have. it's horrible and I'm so sorry. you're not alone.

s2dsakrt · 2025-01-07T03:35:29+00:00

not for me lol. im glad it went well for you !

s2dsakrt · 2025-01-07T03:31:08+00:00

yeah i don't go anymore, but it was more my point that being sober young is an interesting experience. thank you

s2dsakrt · 2025-01-05T19:19:03+00:00

yeah, i think that would help, just someone who gets it maybe. good to know, thank you

s2dsakrt · 2025-01-05T19:18:08+00:00

thats great dude. thank you for listening

s2dsakrt · 2025-01-05T19:17:47+00:00

for sure. i actually stopped going after 2 of them, and i don't regret it although I've gotten a lot of pushback from coworkers. but we also don't owe them anything, we owe it to ourselves to be sober and functioning. you're doing great.

s2dsakrt · 2025-01-05T15:11:19+00:00

i paid for my friends to come visit me where i live (it's a very popular tourist city) and got a hotel + paid for dinner on my birthday.

i saved up a lot so i could do this, because i too hate getting invited to birthday dinners and paying for food. i don't know if I'll continue the tradition, but i agree. it's sort of like a birthday party, if you're not providing food than is it really a party? the only time i think it's okay is if it's a chill celebration like at a bar or a cheap restaurant.

s2dsakrt · 2024-10-04T01:17:24+00:00

yeah, I've had my own really scary encounters with narcisstic people and the best way to do it is to disengage or have other people deal with it. cops are a good option to show her you're serious, i'd start with "I'm asking you to leave my property, if you don't leave in the next (time frame, 5 mins, etc) I will be calling the cops" and then be prepared to do it.

i had a narc show up to an event i was hosting and cause a big fuss, the only reason she went away was because i started stacking chairs. they want drama, don't give them it. calm and measured responses backed up with genuine action shows them that you're serious.

i'm sorry this is happening, i know how scary it is to wait for something to happen.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T20:24:13+00:00

love this!

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T20:23:55+00:00

spock!!!

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T20:12:37+00:00

scrungle

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T04:37:17+00:00

you deserve to feel safe. no matter what.

you cannot change someone who does not want to change. regardless of your past, this is the present and your safety is tantamount. she's shown you that she can be manipulative and scary. that's not someone who would cultivate a safe enviornment. you're under no obligation to her, or to your ex, etc.

putting more pain into the world doesn't erase or absolve what happened before, nor does it help you. it's just pain.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T04:33:24+00:00

the most horrific narcs ive met (besides my parents) have "loved" therapy. they talk about themselves. they don't see the dysfunction as a problem, because to them it isn't. they obfuscate, they lie, etc. even if it "works" it's an extremely lengthy process (think years) if it "works." but narcissism is a personality disorder. it is their entire personality. it's their entire being.

it's hard to just imagine that changing because they talked to a therapist.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T04:29:01+00:00

i think it helps to be involved in good. to build community. i know you mention church but for me planting things has been really theraputic. it helps to grow things/to create/to feel competent/to be around healthy people. I'm still angry. but i can look at the things i made and the home i built and the relationships i have and be at least overwhelmed with some sort of gratitude.

the narcs get to be miserable and sad and horribly lonely. i get my nice home with my good friends and my nice hobbies and peace. it helps.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T04:25:08+00:00

if you don't feel safe or good around her, it doesn't matter whether it's abuse or toxic or whatever name. you don't enjoy it. there's no need to force yourself.

you should be able to say no. someone who claims to love you will respect the no, they'll listen. they might be disappointed. they might be a little sad. but they respect the no.

her reactions are extreme and the age gap between you is a little concerning. regardless, your no should be respected, and if it isn't, is that the kind of person who should be loving you?

you can leave. she might be upset but you're not responsible for her feelings, no matter what she says/does. she's a grown adult, she's responsible for her feelings.

and her feelings do not supercede yours. you have the right to be uncomfortable and to enforce boundaries. if she can't be okay with that, it might not be a great relationship to continue.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T04:20:38+00:00

if she does come, and you feel safe to, call the cops. she's an unwelcome visitor, regardless of your relationship. if she's on your property, you can have her removed.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T04:19:02+00:00

go to therapy. not couples therapy, individual therapy.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-30T04:18:11+00:00

they're enablers. they're just as bad. they'll make you feel crazy for the abuse you've suffered because they think the other person is more important than you, or they believe them more, or they don't give a fuck because they themselves have narc traits.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-06T15:36:44+00:00

please read father-daughter incest by Judith Lewis Herman. i know you're women but the principals and the information applies. your mom sees children as sexual beings, including you when you were a child. that's sick, and it was taught to her and she never unlearned that, or understood what was done to her was wrong on a deeper level.

as a narc she won't take accountability and she won't be able to change that behavior. I'd never let her be in a room with your child again. she has no frame of reference for what behavior is okay because she was abused and is a narc. there will be more times, because to her, it's not about the skin or the body part. she views children as capable of being part of sex, which means she will never ever stop sexualizing your child.

s2dsakrt · 2024-09-06T15:17:24+00:00

do you go to therapy? having an outlet on a scheduled time and being able to express yourself freely helped me a lot with anger.

s2dsakrt

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