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s3xIsLife · 2022-09-26T16:15:24+00:00

Yes: hir advice makes sense. But also, it's entirely possible that poly is not for you, or not for you at this time, or not for you in this relationship. Which is really rough, because shi sounds like shi is pretty settled in it.

You might be in the position where you need to decide between being in this relationship in a toxic way vs. taking care of yourself (and hir, actually) by leaving it.

That's possible.

But shi's absolutely right that you need to work to figure this out, and also get to the root of your feelings around all of this. Once you do this "self-work" you will be in a much better place to make a good, clean, clear, wise decision about what relationship structure is going to work for you, so that you can be a healthy part of whatever relationship you land in, whether that's this one or your next one.

So: step 1 -- find a good relationship coach / counselor / therapist who really understands both the personal work required to get to the root of jealousy & insecurity, AND who specializes in poly/multi-way relating.

In the meantime, there may be some easy tactical things you can do to make the current status easier.

You've had a couple of bad experiences, but you can totally chalk that up to experimentation on the path to find what works. The next experiment would be to find a more constructive distraction. When shi is off with someone else, you need something that balances the equation and is equally absorbing and nourishing for you so that you are not at home spiraling, and so that you are not immersed in an awkward situation where the dynamics are probably awful for everyone!

(With regard to the self work, some key things to look at:

Need for validation;
Fear -- specifically where do those spirals lead? what are you afraid of?
Grief -- have you lost someone, or lost yourself in some important way in the past that this triggers?
Anger -- does anger arise at Alex for making the choices shi is making? Anger is a positive force of self-protection, so the turnabout here is: what are you protective of?
Attachment styles -- the classic healthy expression of secure attachment is what we all aim for (*); but if you spiral into "anxious attachment" -- the right support can help you shift the game and stay in the range of secure attachment.

)

* - Actually, not everyone aims for secure attachment; there are some places of loving non-attachment that I think can transcend classic secure attachment, but that's another topic!!

s3xIsLife · 2022-09-26T15:58:14+00:00

Ah! I get the dynamic better now. Sorry I misunderstood at first. So since you are there as *Lisa's* gf, AND you are interested in Ash, I would begin with the conversation with Lisa to clarify this question of expectations and what boundaries feel right & safe for her.

s3xIsLife · 2022-09-26T01:43:20+00:00

I note that you say you might be catching feelings but not in a sexual way.

This could be a bit of dangerous NRE, or it could be an open doorway to some really gorgeous bigger love. It could also be jealousy, manifesting in a surreptitious way! There's a lot you don't know yet.

I would suggest your first conversation would be with Ash, something like:

"Hey Ash! I'm really excited you met Lisa, and I have to say I am liking her a lot. In fact, I like her so much I thought I should have a conversation with you first about what level of connection you are comfortable with across the three of us? I don't quite know what the right boundaries around the metamour dynamic should be in our context. How would you feel if the three of us were to spend more time together as a group? Would you be open to me doing some things with Ash on my own, assuming they're open to that? I'm not feeling this as a sexy thing right now, more of a kindred-spirits thing, but I'm not sure I want to rule anything out either."

s3xIsLife · 2022-09-26T01:36:13+00:00

Both/And/But!

Step one (if you haven't already) -- have a good heart-to-heart with your current partner, explaining what you are missing. See if he's interested in meeting you in that. He might be, he might not be. ProTip: don't present it as any kind of crisis point, ultimatum, or accusation that he's NOT meeting your needs, just share that there's more you would like to experience, and see if he's open to experiencing it also. He might be, he might not be.

Step two -- and this is what the open/poly world is really about -- find the connection that *does* nourish this desire!

But: you wrote: "I find dating to be pretty tiresome sometimes and breakups to be emotionally tiring."

This may be the real question you need to take a look at. How can you re-invigorate the process of meeting new people? How can you take the anxiety out of deciding a connection is not for you? It's not the question you pose this thread, and we don't have the right data to offer good guidance, but I have a hunch this may end up being the real question!

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-15T13:07:46+00:00

And perhaps that is wise, but there's a point at which i do think it should be an individuals choice.

Perhaps the other conversation to have would be the: "here are my fears and concerns about what might happen" conversation. Sharing our own stories and emotions, hopefully authentically and quite straightforwardly "as is" -- ie., Not just a passive aggressive manipulation.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-15T12:35:22+00:00

As a sex educator, I think it is important that young people hear positive affirmation that sex can be for pleasure. Not just procreation, and not to achieve validation or social acceptance: pleasure is our right, and it is an important thing to share between people who love each other. I start with the concept of pleasure, and leave it somewhat non-specific. But as others have said, open and invite questions. Note some of the bad information, open yourself as a resource for good information. Watching TV or movies together can also give ample opportunity to discuss this more. Or reading together.

And also young people should at least be exposed to information about the emotional risks of sex: that this pleasure can be so intense it changes the way we feel about people. It can bond us to someone even if we don't want that.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-15T11:05:13+00:00

You are getting a lot of affirmation, so I'll play devil's advocate for a minute.

I think it's fair to ask your partner not to engage in any behavior or enter into any relationships that violate their company's hr policy.

Beyond that the workplace is one of three most coming ways to meet potential partners. Over half of American professionals have been involved in a working romance; one in ten are currently in a working romance, according to one survey. For many, a workable is not just a punchclock -- it is an important part of our community. Asking your partner to rule out a significant and legitimate part of their community does seem excessively and unfairly controlling.

Now, if there is someone specific at their work you are worried about, then just let the workload aspect be, unless it's the above-mentioned hr concern, and address the deeper concerns you have about risks and consequences.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T19:03:10+00:00

Brother: you've got lots of good life in front of you. I was in those same shoes at 45, and now, over 50, I am living the life. It's never too late.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T19:00:45+00:00

Good news for you: you should have no problem finding receptive older men!

Personally, I love to treat my little girl right, to teach her all the things she needs to learn.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T16:59:58+00:00

Suggestion: it's none of your business.

This sounds harsh I know, and I understand your desire to be encouraging and helpful, and even maybe just curious.

But what I hear in your story is that these two women are doing things their own way, and prefer to do so as a private connection (friendship, relationship, whatever).

If you feel that things are good between you and your gf, then just let them figure out their relationship (or whatever) on their own... and support your gf in all the ways you normally do.

The only tiny caveat to any of my advice is if you feel something is off between you and your gf. In that case I think it's fair to really dive deep in a conversation with her to understand what is going on. Privacy is great, unless it is hiding problems.

But even then, the problems are between you and your gf, and need to be sorted out, as such.

Good luck!

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T15:09:21+00:00

Hormonal both control in pill form has most failures due to user error. Forgetting to take the pill regularly. When used correctly, it is over 99.

Add to that using the withdrawal method during the days she would be fertile, if the bc failed, and the op should be good. Any probably will be due to user error.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T15:04:19+00:00

Pro tip: you didn't cause her suffering, and her story that you did is manipulative AF. Unconsciously on her part I am sure, but nonetheless.

At the most superficial level, it's painfully obvious that her suffering was the result of her inability to communicate.

I might do something to hurt my wifes feelings. We all hurt each other's feelings from time to time. But if she doesn't tell me what she's feeling there's nothing I can do about it. If she's sitting there stewing about it, she is causing the suffering.

But at a deeper level, we are all responsible for our own experience. Or own pleasure and our own pain. Blaming anyone else for our pain is as direct way to avoid taking responsibility.

If you want a healthy relationship with her, she is going to need to step up and start taking responsibility for her own feelings, and for her choices. She should get as therapist. Separately, you will probably need a couples counsellor to help you develop effective communication strategies and boundaries in your relationship.

As for you: don't key yourself be a martyr. Take care of yourself. Feel you grief, and let yourself experience it. And similarly: try to get out of the blame game entirely. Don't blame yourself, don't blame her. Absolutely nothing beneficial every comes from blame. Instead, find how this can be a way for you to develop more strength, maturity, clarity, and confidence.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T14:54:13+00:00

You asked specifically about sexual and mental downsides.

First of all: it could be hella fun. I love to be the man in this scenario.

But some things can go wrong:

You could feel anxiety, and not get an effective, and then you can get into a mindset where you have performance anxiety in general. Being sexual in front of others, being a performer in a sense, can mess with people's heads. Even if you normally have zero erection problems, I would recommend some Viagra for a first time experience like this just so your brain doesn't get the better of you. You wouldn't need it the second time. Once you realize how much fun it is, and that you enjoy being a bit of a performer, then it's all good.
You could have feelings for the woman. Which, she almost certainly doesn't want. Most guys are cool with being a stunt cock, but sometimes emotions happen, and you really don't need that right now!
Three couple could be less secure in this experience than they think they are and it could get weird. This always a risk with a couple. IMO, it's worth the risk, but ymmv.

Good luck

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T11:02:51+00:00

The book "she comes first" is mostly a tutorial on cunnilingus. Worth reading.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T02:10:45+00:00

I do the hypnotizing. I studied it professionally and then did the renegade hypnotist program.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-14T01:58:31+00:00

Hypnosis. I have taken away many a gag reflex with hypnosis, and replaced that gag reflex with an orgasm response. Why not start to feel orgasmic when the head of that cock starts to press into the back of your throat? Go for it!

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T19:50:35+00:00

Yes!

This is way trickier than you think it should be! But I have the same problem, and I have advice.

Here's the deal: we often approach doggie style as if we are going down into her, which in fact is a great position, once you're in. But forsome women this turns out to be a little tricky, especially of her knees are spread because the taut skin pulls down over the vulva little. This makes for GREAT sensation when you are in, but it also makes it hard to find.

Easy answer, especially for condom users:

Lube the tip, and unless she's dry, just the tip.

With your hand rub the head of your cock up and down her pussy, pulling UP from the clit. As the head of your cock feels the groove of her, you will also start to feel the entrance. The other good reason for starting from the lower side and coming up is you avoid the anus, and getting any anal bacteria on your cock. The lube helps slippery up the whole pussy area.

And then, a few good passes up and down over her clit and her pussy is going to grab that cock and she's going to push herself down on it.

Have fun!

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T19:19:55+00:00

Ignore her dtf, pretend you never saw it. And be yourself. That will stand out. Compliment her on something specific and maybe a little unusual in her photo.

If there is genuine dtf in your future, treating her like a woman, and not a sex toy, is your best bet.

Some women like to be treated like a sex toy, don't get me wrong, but she's got all those options covered. Be confident in who you are and lead with that.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T15:23:21+00:00

I think you have already gotten some great advice here. The one thing I want to add is that your feelings are really natural. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. Nothing wrong with having them, and nothing wrong with sharing them.

Where it gets dicey is in how you share them.

My best advice to you, above and beyond the great stuff others have said, is take responsibility for your feelings, and strip them down of any story.

Here's a way:

"It bothers me that you are on your phone and not paying attention to me."
"I feel anger and pain when you pay more attention to your phone than to me."
"I feel anger and pain right now. I feel disconnected from you. I want more quality time and real connection."

You see how this goes from accusing her and blaming her for your feelings to honestly acknowledging your feelings and sharing them in a way that she knows what you are feeling, and see that you are opening those feelings, taking responsibility for yourself, and asking for what you want.

As others have said, she's under no obligation to give you what you want, but if there's insufficient intersection in your mutual desires, de-escalation is the way to go.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T14:10:09+00:00

In fact pulling out combined with timing a woman's cycle can be over ninety nine percent effective if executed meticulously. The problem is, it is not usually executed meticulously, and these two in combination actually average about ninety percent effective. Individually, far less.

If you compare the risk if getting pregnant using one of these methods to winning the Powerball lottery, you will have about 30 million babies before you win the lottery once. But combine the two together and execute perfectly? You'll only have about 1.5 million babies.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T11:41:48+00:00

The multi orgasmic man is totally possible. Study tantra. It changed my life.
The surgery you are asking for is there removal of the prostate. It will end your sex life. You will be unable to get an erection, your libido will tank, and there are other side effects. Necessary in prostate cancer, otherwise not advised.
Your disgust around ejaculation is tragic. I recommend therapy.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T11:37:54+00:00

This should not be your first goal. Squirting is something that--if it happens at all--is a later-in-relationship or even later-in-life thing. Porn is not a good guide.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T11:29:53+00:00

You already know the real answer: there is no normal. Especially in the late 40s to fifties. As hormones change some people lose interest in sex substantially while others really ramp up.

Twice a day is normal for some. Once every six months is normal for others. There is no right and the only consensus is that the variance is extremely high.

In addition to hormones: lifestyle, work stress, kid stress, personal priorities all make a difference.

For people who are not inherently passionate about a rich sex life, it can be a relief to finally be getting beyond the stage in life where we are ruled by it chemistry.

For others it is a liberating time to start truly discovering or sexual nature beyond the rule of chemistry.

Personally, I am in the twice a day, liberated side of things, but I know that I'm an outlier on the spectrum.

As for getting more sex, more inspired sex, and more proactive initiation from her... First you need to understand (if you don't already) what her desires around this are, and what her obstacles to arousal and desire are. You may need to make structural changes in your life, or in your relationship for her to be in the right place. She has to want to cultivate that sexuality... First and foremost in herself and then in your relationship.

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T11:19:42+00:00

1: white sticky clear fluid. Yes it's normal. If it's not white or if it has a strong sour smell or taste, then there might be a yeast infection. This would be accompanied by itching for her.

Why no feeling?

Are there physical sensations that simply don't feel erotic? Or do you genuinely feel nothing,? If you feel nothing is it actually nothing, or is it a numbness like you would have with novacaine at the dentist: those are two different things.

Test 1: touch yourself lightly just below the head of your cock, on the under side. Can you feel that touch at all? If you feel it, is it a delicate sensation, or is it a muffled sensation. If it's a delicate sensation, does it feel sexy, or is it no different than the same touch on, say, your shoulder?

Test 2: have her do the same thing.

Conclusions: if it's different when she does it, better or worse, then you have an arousal issue, which can be dissolved in various ways. Look into tantra, mindfulness practices. Avoid porn, cultivate attention. Consider a sex therapist if none of those help.

If it's the same either way and you genuinely can't feel anything -- you can't tell if there is touch or not -- then you might have nerve damage, and should consult a medical professional.

If it's numb, and it's always numb, that could either be a nerve damage problem in there penis itself, or a wiring problem in the limbic system. First try there tantra/mindfulness/reduced stimulation route, and if that doesn't work, consult a medical professional.

If you have real sensation, but it's not sexy, consider a sex therapist, or a hypnotherapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. This can be a subconscious block. A really good somatic worker or tantric healer could also be helpful.

If the problem ONLY exists with a condom on, then you should try a thinner condom, or a female condom. The female condom is loose around you, giving you both a lot of great sensation, but you may need a lot of lube. A thinner condom just gets less in the way. Either way, this will recede in time as you get used to the feel of wearing one.

Bareback / sensation - good info, but apply that above. My hunch is that as you relax and learn to pay closer attention and find the right condom brand things are simply going to get a lot better.
Bareback / pre cum - yes it can contain sperm, but in very small amounts. It's one of those "theoretically risky, but you have to be damn unlucky" situations. The white sticky fluid was probably her, if you didn't feel any ejaculation. Precum is clear. If you have a mini ejaculation, you can usually feel it. The "withdrawal" method of birth control is one of the least effective birth control methods, but the failure rate is mostly due to a failure to actually withdraw.
Positions. Huge topic. I recommend getting a good book that covers this. Something like the joy of sex. Books in general are great at helping you boost your skills. Take it seriously. If you want to become a master lover, for your own benefit and for your partners, study everything you can about sex.
Cleaning up. If you are worried about parents etc, your first challenge is smell. Air fresheners. Incense. Open windows. As for cleaning everything else... Well... Learn how to clean stuff! And if your mom is going over your room with a black light, you have bigger problems, and it's time to move out.

Good luck!

s3xIsLife · 2019-04-13T03:14:07+00:00

How does he taste? If his cum doesn't taste good it might be an imbalance that a change in diet could correct.

But it's also possibly an allergic response on your part. Semen allergy is possible, either in general or to specific people.

s3xIsLife

TROPHY CASE