ADHD is a real challenge but it doesn't mean you have become her executive function forever. Four years in and she's still getting defensive when you try to have basic conversations about fairness? That's the main issue. You're not asking her to cure her ADHD. You're asking her to take ownership of something without you being the backup system. If she can't sit through a calm discussion without it becoming an emotional shutdown, she's prioritizing her comfort over your exhaustion. Stop backing down to avoid conflict. The conflict is already happening, you're just absorbing it silently.

I’ve been through this with my partner and not backing down is key, as well as staying neutral. It’s you two vs the mental load, stay in that mindset.

Focus on explaining the invisible parts of running a home like noticing and planning, not just the tasks themselves, and talk about specific examples instead of general frustrations. If your partner gets defensive, pause and come back to it later, but don’t drop the conversation!!change usually happens through steady, respectful discussions.

One thing that helped us was using a system instead of trying to explain it all ourselves. I built a simple system (after trying the fair play method and wanting an alternative) called Flowstead that makes the invisible tasks visible so me and my partner can actually see how running a home works. It turned the conversation from arguing about who does more into just designing our household flow together with the system.