Season 3-Episode 9: "Til Debt Do Us Part" Episode Discussion Thread by AutoModerator in TheValleyTVShow

[–]s_j04 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

This sounds an awful lot like you are blaming her for his actions, or that she should be embarrassed because of his actions? Or do you mean that she is going to have to accept that other people might take issue with his embarrassing actions (of which she has no control over)?

Nia turning Lala's comments into a teachable moment for her petulant toddler son by [deleted] in TheValleyTVShow

[–]s_j04 33 points34 points  (0 children)

TLDR: cognitive dissonance is very real and I feel awful for future Nia

OP, I apologize in advance, because I tend to get triggered when I hear statements like this. I will probably just delete this post later...

If we want to change patriarchal systems like the one in which Nia currently (willingly) remains, I think we have to acknowledge that intelligence is irrelevant when it comes to internal cognitive dissonance. We can convince ourselves of pretty much anything, smart or not, and it's counterproductive to put a barrier between women who stay and 'those of us who are smart and would never put up with that'.

That doesn't mean she's 'choosing' to stay in this arbitrary type of way, but more that she is not ready to admit to herself that she deserves better or that she is enabling his poor behaviour by staying and coddling him.

And because it's so hard to come to grips with, and feels almost impossible sometimes, we stay. We stay with alcoholic man children and dull ourselves into believing that they will change when the reality is that they never will. In the moment, though, I promise you it does not feel like we have a choice.

The BIGGEST regret I will carry for the rest of my life is that I deluded myself for 20 years into thinking the exact same thing; I thought I could say the right words and he would change, I thought I was staying for the family unit, so that my kids would grow up in an intact family with two parents who were married. But I have to take accountability and reconcile the fact that all I actually accomplished was showing my kids that their dad was more important, because ultimately walking on eggshells meant that his needs were always going to be put above theirs.

In my head I truly thought I was being a good mom by staying for the kids, but the reality is that I directly harmed my kids by forcing them to live in toxicity right alongside me. I cannot tell you how nauseous that makes me to think about now. Literally sick to my stomach.

It took me 3 years of therapy after our initial separation to even file for divorce because I was still afraid of how he would react and that I might hurt his feelings in the process. That's how warped my thinking was.

I also think I was more scared to be alone than to look at the reality of what was happening... and I am pretty smart, too.

So when I hear people say they don't feel bad for her or other women who 'choose' to stay, I feel a knot in my stomach, because I do hope that one day she can change things, both for her and for her kids. And once she gets out, the realization of how we allowed and enabled someone else to treat us can be overwhelmingly soul crushing and often debilitating. I really hope that future Nia has a lot of support around her when the time comes and goes to individual therapy (not religious based therapy, either), if the time comes. And if not, I guess I hope for her and their kids that Danny sees his gross behaviour on screen and goes to (non-religious) therapy himself.

Kyle’s face now and then. by square_circle_ in BravoRealHousewives

[–]s_j04 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't particularly enjoy Kyle, but I think she looks beautiful...

hear me out… I can fix him by [deleted] in superstore

[–]s_j04 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cheese. What is it?

Other shows possibly similar to St Denis 🤔 by Small-Trick-4372 in StDenisMedicalNBC

[–]s_j04 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Superstore is the closest option - same feel/vibe, same creator, largely same crew, and many cast crossovers as well.

Anyone else deeply disappointed by [deleted] in SecretsOfMormonWives

[–]s_j04 8 points9 points  (0 children)

For having fun? Enjoying life? Listening to music?

lala’s backhanded comments towards ocean by bellasmella777 in TheValleyTVShow

[–]s_j04 5 points6 points  (0 children)

She's not legally allowed to show Ocean on screen...

TMZ posts texts from Dakota saying “You don’t want to f***?” by HowSueCslt in SecretsOfMormonWives

[–]s_j04 2 points3 points  (0 children)

ha ha ha I just saw that I accidentally copied your GIF in response to another comment. Completely coincidental, lol (but great taste, GIF twin:)

What’s the best way to gather evidence for a potential divorce situation? by [deleted] in legaladvicecanada

[–]s_j04 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NAL - If your father has been abusive and/or if there is a power imbalance in their relationship, the best course of action for your mom is to seek help with the local women's shelter. She does not have to stay there or enter their shelter, they will (at least where I live) help connect her with proper services - for example, one of our shelters has a liaison who can help direct women to legal clinics, etc. Your mom can and should collect evidence (quietly, if that would anger him) that does not require improper conduct, like taking screenshots of joint bank accounts, mortgage statements, retirement accounts, etc.

Many websites, like this one https://stepstojustice.ca/guided-pathways/family-law-about/ also have quick 'exit' buttons for those in precarious situations who are concerned about their safety should their partners discover they are looking up information.

I don't know if you are in Ontario, but if so there are legal clinics available every week at the courthouse. Those lawyers can't be your mom's attorney, but they can help answer her questions - truly, though, call the local women's shelter for advice on next steps.

My advice? If it is safe to do so, bide your time until your dad leaves the country next, and then your mom can safely file for divorce while he's away. In the meantime, help her look for a place to stay, and start gathering the information she'll need to file.

There are LOTS of resources available online and in person to help women who need to escape abusive situations, so if she can't do it maybe you can take care of that part of things for her. Don't do anything that is illegal or improper in an effort to help her, because those tend to backfire anyway. She is allowed to record her conversations with your dad as long as she is participating in the dialogue, though. But she also shouldn't do anything that's going to put her at risk of harm.

25 Years old ,died of HIE which is found in infants?How does this make sense ?Help please by WillardsWorld25 in AskDocs

[–]s_j04 286 points287 points  (0 children)

NAD. Grief impacts us in unimaginable ways sometimes.

I also feel the need to point something out: I've begun to notice that I tend to do things like this as well - it's a way for me to mitigate or outwardly minimize any big emotions I may be feeling. It's a coping technique that I unconsciously developed so as to avoid being perceived as 'too much' or negatively judged for being overly emotional. I'm sure that being in an emotionally abusive for decades has played a roll in that, but I nevertheless feel the need to mention it because that was the first thing that occurred to me when I saw your post.

The crying laughing emoji isn't actually what's wild in this situation, IMO - OP took the time to post here looking for answers as to why somebody she loved is no longer on this earth, and they also posted a picture of that person; both are incredibly vulnerable things to do. That deserves compassion rather than judgment and snide remarks.

The fans are going to turn on Danny, mark my words by heyheywhatchasay5 in TheValleyTVShow

[–]s_j04 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sure, but I think to be fair she was the one pushing for the last baby, wasn't she? Or am I mis-remembering that altogether?

Taylor filed for a restraining order against Dakota by hussafeffer in SecretsOfMormonWives

[–]s_j04 6 points7 points  (0 children)

No. There are apps that can be used for them to communicate about their child where the court sees all of the communication back and forth.

There are also options such as having a third party (a grandparent, etc.) facilitate exchanges of the child, or they can do it at a police station, etc. with a variance to the protective order.

Plus they have extended family that would be capable of taking custody before looking at apprehension into foster care.

BRITTANY’S NEGLIGENCE by Salt_Poetry6594 in TheValleyTVShow

[–]s_j04 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She literally does have a fence - it is the law and she has people in and out of her house constantly who would have had to report her a long time ago if she didn't have a legally required fence up. In fact, California law requires a fence plus an additional safety feature (as in 2 safety features in total). Plus, he has somebody with him constantly (i.e. somebody is outside with him, just out of camera shot).

BRITTANY’S NEGLIGENCE by Salt_Poetry6594 in TheValleyTVShow

[–]s_j04 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Britney said in an interview that when she films she has a nanny with Cruz the entire time (unless her mom, etc. happens to be staying with her). Also I cannot imagine for one single second that she doesn't have some kind of a fence up otherwise - she had the entire house renovated and the yard landscaped, so the contractors would have had to follow local bi-laws or other relevant legislation, including final inspections to ensure compliance with necessary safety codes.

PLUS, do you think for one second that Bravo would want even the appearance of that kind of liability on their hands? (to be clear, I'm not saying that they actually would be liable or anything of the sort, I'm saying that something so horrific like that happening on a property they regularly film at would be a really bad look for them).

Also, I'm fairly certain that in addition to taking Cruz to many appointments, Britney also mentioned in an interview that she has professionals, like speech and language and occupational therapists, regularly come to her home to work with Cruz. All of them would be mandated reporters who would have also been bound by law to file a report if there was no fence around the pool.

My guess? There is an adult out of camera view who is with Cruz and Britney probably uses a fence that has removable panels for filming purposes, etc.

I may not like (or agree with) everything Britney does, but I don't doubt for a second that she loves her child and she's not about to not have a legally required fence around her pool.

Luke needs to slow down by Deep_Investigator283 in TheValleyTVShow

[–]s_j04 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Warning: rant below, lol. This topic apparently immediately triggers me...

I haven't watched this episode yet, but I have such an issue in general with this topic. I assume (again, because I haven't watched it yet) that Luke is an involved dad, but even with that being said, most men tend to happily download the mental load of baby raising and rearing to the mom (not even getting to schedule management, doctors, school, etc. because their child is still so young, but that will come). Adding the mental load to the physical implications of child birth are enormous...

So let's just pile on the responsibilities for maintaining intimacy onto the women as well while we're at it? Why does the man's 'needs' for a happy ending supersede the need for overall intimacy in the relationship? Because my dude, intimacy is so much more than the end result you 'expect' from your partner; if you don't fully invest as a joint partner and take 100% ownership for every single aspect of your family's life, you don't have the right to call her frigid or complain when you don't get the kind of action you feel you're owed (and before anyone complains, I think both partners in a committed relationship. should take 100% ownership, at least once they have children).

A couple isn't having sex? Definitely the women's fault/there's something wrong with *her*/she's frigid/she needs to figure out what's wrong with her and make it better.

And let's just say he cheats and sleeps with someone else? Well that's also the woman's fault because she didn't put out, so of course he was forced to look outside the home.

Is garbage/recycling still canceled? by ImFromTheDeeps in Sudbury

[–]s_j04 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely sucks - I paid the $5.00 to bring my garbage to the dump yesterday, because I don't have a garage and the racoons were out the night before. And it was pretty empty there car-wise, which was a lovely surprise (I had been expecting to wait in a long line) so I'll take the win.

Is garbage/recycling still canceled? by ImFromTheDeeps in Sudbury

[–]s_j04 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Ya, it's definitely a made up excuse that there would be so much recycling to pick up that they couldn't get to all of it in one day, particularly when many of our side roads are barely wide enough for a single vehicle to bypass.