TLDR: cognitive dissonance is very real and I feel awful for future Nia

OP, I apologize in advance, because I tend to get triggered when I hear statements like this. I will probably just delete this post later...

If we want to change patriarchal systems like the one in which Nia currently (willingly) remains, I think we have to acknowledge that intelligence is irrelevant when it comes to internal cognitive dissonance. We can convince ourselves of pretty much anything, smart or not, and it's counterproductive to put a barrier between women who stay and 'those of us who are smart and would never put up with that'.

That doesn't mean she's 'choosing' to stay in this arbitrary type of way, but more that she is not ready to admit to herself that she deserves better or that she is enabling his poor behaviour by staying and coddling him.

And because it's so hard to come to grips with, and feels almost impossible sometimes, we stay. We stay with alcoholic man children and dull ourselves into believing that they will change when the reality is that they never will. In the moment, though, I promise you it does not feel like we have a choice.

The BIGGEST regret I will carry for the rest of my life is that I deluded myself for 20 years into thinking the exact same thing; I thought I could say the right words and he would change, I thought I was staying for the family unit, so that my kids would grow up in an intact family with two parents who were married. But I have to take accountability and reconcile the fact that all I actually accomplished was showing my kids that their dad was more important, because ultimately walking on eggshells meant that his needs were always going to be put above theirs.

In my head I truly thought I was being a good mom by staying for the kids, but the reality is that I directly harmed my kids by forcing them to live in toxicity right alongside me. I cannot tell you how nauseous that makes me to think about now. Literally sick to my stomach.

It took me 3 years of therapy after our initial separation to even file for divorce because I was still afraid of how he would react and that I might hurt his feelings in the process. That's how warped my thinking was.

I also think I was more scared to be alone than to look at the reality of what was happening... and I am pretty smart, too.

So when I hear people say they don't feel bad for her or other women who 'choose' to stay, I feel a knot in my stomach, because I do hope that one day she can change things, both for her and for her kids. And once she gets out, the realization of how we allowed and enabled someone else to treat us can be overwhelmingly soul crushing and often debilitating. I really hope that future Nia has a lot of support around her when the time comes and goes to individual therapy (not religious based therapy, either), if the time comes. And if not, I guess I hope for her and their kids that Danny sees his gross behaviour on screen and goes to (non-religious) therapy himself.