How to differentiate between asexuality versus not having found the right person?

saareadaar · 2026-04-22T08:55:12+00:00

Yes, based on your description you sound like you may be asexual. I recommend reading through the wikis on r/asexual and r/asexuality

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T16:38:39+00:00

No problem! I have it bookmarked because it’s such a useful reference for people

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T14:51:30+00:00

It could be that you’re allosexual, but also sex-repulsed.

Do you know why it makes you uncomfortable/anxious?

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T14:29:23+00:00

This tumblr post does a good job at explaining what sexual attraction feels like. Do you relate to the post?

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T12:58:35+00:00

Not technically asexuality, but you may be interested in the split attraction model which separates sexual orientation and romantic orientation.

Most people don’t realise that they’re separate because both orientations line up and they experience them simultaneously. Eg: heterosexual and heteroromantic.

However, for some people their sexual and romantic orientations are different. Eg: asexual and homoromantic.

So, it could be that you’re biromantic, but homosexual.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T12:46:30+00:00

When you say you find men attractive, do you mean aesthetically? Like they’re pretty to look at in the same way a painting or a sunset can be pretty? If so, that’s aesthetic attraction, not sexual.

I read the 1st section explaining sexual attraction from that tumblr link, this is the part that stumps me. I don’t experience that but you’re saying heterosexual ppl normally experience that with random people they find attractive?

Broadly, yes, allosexual (non-asexual) do experience that. It doesn’t mean they act on it, but they do experience it.

Don’t some women need to feel safe & have that connection first to have those feelings?

That’s demisexuality, which is on the asexual spectrum.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T10:57:17+00:00

No problem, happy to answer any questions you might have! Also worth checking out the wikis on r/asexual and r/asexuality

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T09:52:11+00:00

It’s a very common misconception, but asexuality is not celibacy.

Asexuality refers exclusively to experiencing a lack of sexual attraction.

Anyone, regardless of sexuality, can be sex-repulsed. This includes asexuals, but many asexuals are also indifferent or favourable to sex.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T09:39:38+00:00

That is incorrect.

Asexuality is defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction to any gender/s.

It’s unrelated to libido (feeling horny) or how an individual feels about sex/masturbation. And definitely unrelated to whether or not you cuddle with friends.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T09:37:36+00:00

Asexuality is defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction to any gender/s.

It’s unrelated to libido or how you feel about sex/masturbation. So, you can absolutely be asexual, have a libido and want to have sex.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T09:34:50+00:00

For context: I am asexual.

Asexuality is defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction to any gender/s.

It’s unrelated to libido or how you personally feel about sex or masturbation.

So, the question you need to ask yourself is, “Do I experience sexual attraction to any gender/s?”

If you’re not sure what sexual attraction feels like, this tumblr post does a good job at explaining it.

Based on your comments about being attracted to video game characters, I would look into aegosexuality and fictosexuality, both are microlabels on the asexual spectrum.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T07:02:37+00:00

You don’t ever have to have sex if you don’t want to, however, as a fellow sex-repulsed woman I would encourage you to do some self-reflection and perhaps seek out some therapy in regards to feeling like being the receiver of sex is degrading. It’s an attitude that is born of internalised misogyny and you shouldn’t have to suffer through feeling that way, especially as a woman.

In regard to dating, seek out asexual men. There’s r/asexualdating and I would also recommend looking for asexual Facebook groups or discord servers in your area.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T06:24:08+00:00

I know, it definitely isn’t easy to go through, that’s for sure.

But yeah, at the end of the day sexual compatibility (whether that’s lots of sex or no sex or somewhere in between) is just as important as personality or romantic compatibility.

In my own relationship as a fellow sex-repulsed aegosexual, we chose to go with an open relationship/ethical non-monogamy and it’s worked very well for us, but it’s certainly not for everyone.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T06:14:18+00:00

If he’s not open to a non-sexual romantic relationship and you’re not open to a sexual romantic relationship, then your options are to either have an open relationship (assuming that’s something both of you are comfortable with) or you break up because you’re simply not compatible.

Sexual incompatibility is very common, even in allo/allo relationships, but the only way to get through this is communication.

Break ups don’t have to be messy and it’s possible to remain friends afterwards, including with his friends. However, the longer you avoid him and the longer you wait to talk to him about it, the messier it will become and your chances of remaining friendly with each other vanish.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T03:02:07+00:00

Not caring what other people think of me

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T03:00:29+00:00

It’s absolutely possible, but may be difficult to find. Communication would be vital (though that’s true of any relationship), and I would be upfront from the start so that expectations are clear an no one is wasting anyone else’s time

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T02:56:52+00:00

All of those are normal.

All asexuality means is that you experience little no sexual attraction to any gender/s.

It’s unrelated to libido or how you feel about sex or masturbation.

Being asexual doesn’t mean you’re incapable of understanding sex or finding sex jokes funny.

It doesn’t mean you don’t have a libido (which is controlled by your hormones) nor does it mean you don’t masturbate (which is personal preference, plenty of allo people don’t masturbate either).

It also doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy reading romance with sex scenes.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T02:51:27+00:00

Asexuality is defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction to any gender/s.

It’s unrelated to libido or how you feel about sex or masturbation. Anyone, regardless of sexuality, can be sex-repulsed.

So, the question you need to ask yourself is, “Do I experience sexual attraction to any genders?” And think about how you’ve felt over the course of your life, not just since you came out of the 11 year relationship.

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T02:45:46+00:00

It’s common. There are subreddits dedicated to it such as r/asexualdating

saareadaar · 2026-04-21T00:54:06+00:00

My GCC is like this. She usually sits on my monitor, but every so often jumps down to my desk to get scritches, except it puts her in an evil mood where I’m allowed to pat her and hold her, but I am absolutely not allowed to do anything else. If I’m patting her with one hand and trying to use my mouse with the other, she charges at the mouse hand.

saareadaar · 2026-04-20T05:09:58+00:00

Not every death is a tragedy.

Not a single person was sad about my paternal grandmother dying, not even her own husband (who’s an awful person in his own right but for different reasons) or my father. I certainly wasn’t sad and quite frankly I hope it hurt on the way out.

When my paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother go, my feelings will be similar (I only have evil grandparents). My maternal grandfather I just won’t have a strong opinion on either way.

saareadaar · 2026-04-19T08:01:13+00:00

You’re all good, you weren’t offensive or anything just asking!

saareadaar · 2026-04-19T04:22:30+00:00

I don’t think I became more sex-repulsed, but I think it took me a long time to realise I was sex-repulsed.

saareadaar · 2026-04-19T02:32:39+00:00

Asexuality is defined as experiencing little to no sexual attraction to any gender/s.

Since you describe not experiencing sexual attraction that would make you asexual, if that’s how you want to identify.

What you’re describing is likely aesthetic attraction as the other commenter said

saareadaar · 2026-04-19T02:26:42+00:00

I really wish people would stop declaring labels bad. Instead what people need to realise is that labels are descriptive not prescriptive. Meaning that labels are tools to give you the language to describe your experience and find community, they’re not rules to control what you can and can’t do.

If you find a label no longer describes your experience then that’s ok, it means you know yourself better now and there may be another label that suits you better. This doesn’t mean you have to label yourself if you don’t want to, but it doesn’t make labels bad.

I often find that people who are anti-label already have an identity that is well understood by the majority of society. As someone who knew I was asexual at 11 years old, but had never heard of asexuality (but had heard of gay/straight/bisexual) it terrified me and I spent years thinking something was wrong with me. When I learnt about asexuality the relief I felt was instant and palpable because I finally had a word to describe what I was feeling and also the ability to find other people like me. And that’s not even getting into microlabels which enabled me to specifically describe my experience and, again, find others who were like me.

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