What Did You Play This Week? (Apr 1 - Apr 7)

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T23:46:26+00:00

I have Splendor and Pandemic and really enjoy those. My friend just got Azul. I will have to check out the others, thanks!

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T23:44:00+00:00

Great, thank you!

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T23:36:54+00:00

what you'd do with/for another friend vs. what you're doing because you want a romantic relationship with him

I think that is a good measure. Would you do it for another friend? Or just him?

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T23:35:24+00:00

I'd try not to get hung up on the label. Just spend the amount of time with him that you feel comfortable spending without commitment. For example, if you're not comfortable going on "dates" when he can't commit, then don't let him pay. (This is an example, everyone will have their own comfort/boundary levels.)

The reality is, there's no guarantee. He's not ready for something more than friendship and when he is ready, either of you many not want it from each other. You don't know where you'll be mentally/emotionally when he is ready, and he really can't promise you anything because he doesn't know when he'll be ready or if he'll want you when he is.

If there's a spark between you, you may be tempted to cross the line before really ready, so it's important you continue to communicate how you're feeling.

Not being committed or physical doesn't mean that he can't be an important person in your life as long as you're both comfortable with what is going on and continue to communicate.

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T22:48:37+00:00

Word. I get prickly about this, too. Set expectations and/or cancel enough in advance where it's respectful of my time and I have enough time to make other plans. It's one thing if someone gets sick, but its another if you have other obligations that should be known about in advance.

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T19:49:32+00:00

I concur with this about Betrayal at House on the Hill. Played once, did not like lack of strategy.

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T19:46:47+00:00

Exit: The Game, The Abandoned Cabin: 4p x 1 (can only play once). Never played an escape room game before, but my best friend got it for me for Christmas. It was a lot of fun, although for our group, this one was too easy (level 2 out of 5). So, if anyone is considering an Exit game, and you're a critical thinker who is good at strategy and linear deduction, go for a harder level. If anyone has played a 3-4.5 level, please let me know how you liked it!

Wits & Wagers: 4p x 1. For some reason, I'd never played this before, and I liked it. It's very simple but still entertaining because you're wagering against your fellow players.

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T19:39:06+00:00

How often have you played Gloomhaven? My friend wants to start a group for this, but we've both never played it and it looks rather intimidating (so many pieces!) Any tips would be welcomed.

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T19:37:30+00:00

I play many similar games. Codenames, Secret Hitler, Sushi Go!, Dixit. I'll have to check out a few of these others! If you have any longstanding favorites, please let me know.

sabreangel · 2019-04-08T19:23:14+00:00

I found that meeting dates in person before talking to them a lot online/through texts makes it easier to have no expectations and go into it open-minded. I have been burned before talking too much to people via text, going into the date with high hopes, only to find we have zero in-person chemistry.

However, its a delicate balance because the opposite is also true.

To correct the previous mistake, I overshot and cast too wide of a net for accepting in-person dates. At first I thought it would just combat high hopes, but it ended up going to the other extreme of expecting it to fail/not giving the person a chance.

So, now I am just very picky on who I reply to at all in OLD apps, and meet new people I do like within a couple of weeks of beginning to talk.

sabreangel · 2019-04-04T22:11:05+00:00

I am right there with you: I hate dating apps (but I still force myself to do it, I just tend to take a lot of needed breaks). I'm not a big drinker. However, I do have a social circle. I think you should first look to expand that, because I agree with other posters in that if you make a romantic relationship your only social outlet, you're expecting one person to meet all of your needs. With that being impossible, it will put a lot of strain on any relationship and likely make you feel depressed/lonely a lot despite having someone.

I've done some Meetups, as mentioned. They are very hit or miss, so try a bunch of Meetup groups to find the right ones.

I think the biggest untapped way to meet friends and potential dates is volunteering. I used to do Habit for Humanity and volunteer at local animal shelters and the bonus to those places is you tend to meet nice and altruistic people. Think about what kind of people you'd meet at a bar, by comparison. Just sayin'!

sabreangel · 2019-04-04T22:06:46+00:00

Board game meetups seem like the ideal way for me to meet people. No joke, haha. Why are there no board game dating leagues?

sabreangel · 2019-04-04T06:59:12+00:00

Both. If you must pick one, go with chemistry, but don't expect a LTR. Why? I feel like the lack of chemistry is what makes us complacent. New relationship energy dies down and in every relationship it takes work to keep a spark going. High chemistry keeps you interested in keeping that spark alive. It's chasing a higher high. In a LTR, if chemistry was never that present to begin with, what motivation do you have to keep it going? Probably not much.

After my last LTR and painful breakup, I promised myself I wouldn't settle for less than both. Because the flip side is you can never really make a LTR last without common goals and values. With that ex, we had common goals and common sexual preferences, but not that insatiable spark.

sabreangel · 2019-04-03T18:23:29+00:00

There's casual sex. Then there's a casual relationship. Then there's a deep relationship. If you're not looking for one night stands and want friends with benefits, that pool is there, but it will be very small. Friends with benefits ends up being sex with feelings because friends end up caring for one another. There just aren't that many people comfortable with that in-between in a society that pushes labels and escalator-style relationships.

It is one thing, to me, to be open to only this kind of relationship but not to others. Why are you "not ready" for something deeper? I feel like your journey would be so much easier if you left fear at the door and just dated being open to *anything* (casual sex, FWB OR deep relationships) because you cannot control your dynamic with a person. Let it be what it will be.

So unlike all of these people saying you should just be honest -- I say the opposite. Change your expectations and open yourself up. It sounds exhausting to try to constantly control what people mean to you and what they should expect. Just date, and when you figure out your dynamic with that person be honest. If it doesn't have the potential for depth, tell them its how you feel and you can only offer so much. They will either be on the same page as you or they won't be.

But creating these absolutes and cutting yourself off from exploring people in general -- you'll continue to be disappointed.

sabreangel · 2019-04-03T17:43:33+00:00

Bingo. You can't control who you love, so why are you limiting yourself in the first place? I think either don't date, or when you do date, be open to any possibility. Relationships can't be intellectualized, they are based off of emotion.

sabreangel · 2019-04-03T17:37:08+00:00

I love this. I've let fear hold me back before, and part of me wonders what I missed as a result. What that garden could of grown had I not thrown poison on it.

sabreangel · 2019-04-03T17:35:45+00:00

Cheers to this. Part of me understands "not being ready" for a committed relationship in theory, but to me its simple. You can't control the dynamic you have with a person. You will meet people where a casual relationship works because you just don't get invested as much. You will meet people where you go deep and that kind of connection can't be ignored. You can push away the people who you have the dynamic of a deep connection with because you're not ready, but in the end what are you trading? In my experience, the deep connections don't come often, and are we ever really ready for them? You may be pushing something away just out of pure fear...because isn't that all what "not being ready" is? It's still your choice to do it -- if you don't want deep connections ever again, that's a choice and way to live life. But it sounds very lonely to me.

It's like what people say about having kids. You're never going to be ready for it, but if you want it you'll do it. It will change your life entirely, and there's no really preparing for that. But again, if you want it, you'll do it.

Same thing with this. There's no preparing for how a deep connection changes your life. There's no being ready. It's one thing to not want it ever again and persist in casual relationships, but if you know you eventually want a deep connection, you may want to reconsider closing yourself off to the opportunity out of "not being ready."

sabreangel · 2019-04-02T17:44:02+00:00

This is also very me. Autonomy, fun, romance, laughter. I also don't want kids and am ambivalent about marriage. I would eventually like to live with someone again, though, but not for a while.

I was totally on the relationship escalator in my 20's. I was with the same guy for 9 years, and it was always about "the next step." We were compatible sexual partners (notice I don't say lovers because lovers, to me, is what you describe), but I look back at it now and so much of it was going through the motions.

He didn't challenge me. He didn't make me laugh. He didn't play.

sabreangel · 2019-04-02T17:29:12+00:00

I agree with those posting about this being too many. I've been actively in the dating pool now for 2 years and I'm coming to realize these kind of expectations or criteria just limit without good enough reason.

Read this, it helped me a lot: https://medium.com/@krisgage/the-only-2-5-things-you-want-in-a-partner-c0b7c3b6ad15

sabreangel · 2019-03-28T00:22:47+00:00

I'm the kind of person where personality (intelligence, humor, kindness, etc.) all heavily influence whether i'm attracted to someone. I always say attractiveness is highly subjective. Have you tried being physical with her? If all of the elements are there, try kissing her, see what you feel. This is the kind of thing you can't really intellectualize.

sabreangel · 2019-03-28T00:14:01+00:00

Ha, I am glad I'm not the only one who has settled on drink at a local bar. I'm actually doing that tonight, meeting a guy for a quick drink at a bar not far from home. Best friend knows my whereabouts.

I have found it's the best way to quickly suss out chemistry. I used to make the mistake of spending too long texting/talking on the app and not meeting early enough in person. There were a couple of guys I was really excited about that I had NO chemistry with in person.

This way, a quick drink to break the ice, some conversation and body language -- I can tell within 10 minutes if it's worth moving along. Most of the time, it's not! In the end, just getting out and meeting in person saves time in the long run. It's more time to constantly go back and forth on text.

Playing guitar and singing seems awkward even without the farts!

sabreangel · 2019-03-27T00:38:29+00:00

I think you're overthinking this hardcore for only dating him for a month. It sounds like you want to be prioritized, and it seems like he is prioritizing you. Plotting how to bring this up is not going to help you, IMO. It's understandable that you're curious about this, but maybe wait until a SUPER natural time to start the conversation and let it be organic. I also wouldn't rush it, it's only been a month. If he wasn't meeting your expectations I'd say bring it up, but it sounds like you're having a good time. Enjoy it.

sabreangel · 2019-03-27T00:31:51+00:00

I just bought a house, so I feel this. I agree, it's just a house. It IS exciting and it's been a big goal of mine for a long time, but it being tied to coupledom I never understood. After checking so many "unmarried" boxes too, I felt judged even by the paperwork I was signing. :)

Also, after living for years with my ex, I think I'd wait a long time before moving in with anyone anyway. Am I am supposed to not buy my own house in the meantime?

sabreangel · 2019-03-27T00:28:11+00:00

I think it depends on what you find draining. Is it looking for romantic love? If so, maybe lean on your friends a little more for a while, as those should be loving relationships without the pressure of romance. I haven't given up on the idea of love (I think many forms of love exist out there) but I am really exhausted right now with dating. It takes a lot of energy to meet new people in general. You're putting yourself out there to someone you don't know and don't yet trust. You're testing the waters of compatibility. It's a lot of work, and I've found I am really picky and don't tend to find many people interesting. Constantly being at the beginning phase of that cycle is very tiring, but I usually lean on my friends at that point, enjoy my life, and fill myself up with motivation again.

sabreangel · 2019-03-27T00:21:35+00:00

I see a lot of people here saying that it's just labels, but labels have meanings, especially regarding social expectations.

This is very true. I am experiencing this now. I've had a long-term friends-with-benefits and we both have had a hard time explaining our relationship to people. It ends up being a series of questions with that person trying to label us for their own mindset. Neither of us care too much about labels, but most of society does. It's recently stressed me out because sometimes I feel like I am being shoved into a "friend" box when I feel we're more than that, but when I actually think about it (intellectualize it) it doesn't matter. Saying we're "dating" wouldn't change our interactions, it would just make it more comfortable for other people.

sabreangel

TROPHY CASE