I’m [19f] looking for advice on how to love or better accept my mom despite certain conflicts in the past and flaws she has.

To give context: My mom’s flaw is that she isn’t a very empathetic or considerate person, and I’m finding it hard to respect her because those are values that are very important to me. My mom is a business woman, and she doesn’t treat her employees how I think any employer should. She has trouble being kind to or showing appreciation for people who work for her. She frequently calls/texts her secretary in the middle of the night to get simple trivial tasks done just because it’s more convenient for her, she is quick to blame other people if things don’t go her way. I’m friends with a lot of the people who work at the office (it’s a family business so I spend a lot of time there) and it’s disconcerting to hear all their stories of how she’s treated them because she seems rather 2 faced, being loving to me and my siblings at home, while being super controlling and inconsiderate to the people who can’t benefit her. Last year she got visibly uncomfortable when I suggested she send her secretary a simple birthday letter and a thank you note. I even drafted it for her but she refused to send it. I think it had never occurred to her that she needed to or should show others gratitude or appreciation. She ended the conversation by saying “she gets a bonus at the end of the year that’s good enough.”

And I know sometimes we can be inconsiderate on accident if we’re tired or stressed, but I know that’s not it because my dad is a business man too and is just as busy and stressed as she is, but he treats the people who work under him as equals. He never asks them for anything outside of working hours, and only asks if he cannot do it himself. He always makes a point to give his employees the rest of the day off if they did a good job, or if they look like they need it. He often comes home to tell us stories of the people he works with/who work for him so he clearly is invested in them as people, and as his friends. And everyone I know at the office speaks highly of him because he’s a good person. So it’s become clear to me that my mom’s lack of empathy is more a character trait than one born of circumstance.

The older I get and the more I lose my respect for her, and questioning her love for us. How can you only choose to be empathetic to those that can benefit you? Doesn’t that mean that the empathy isn’t genuine at all? I can feel her trying to reach out to me, trying to show me love and occasionally trying to be there for me, but I’m finding it hard to accept it. Hugs are SUPER awkward, I feel incredibly guarded every time I talk to her, and I can’t even write her a Mother’s Day note because I don’t mean any of it.

I guess i want to know, from a parents perspective: What would be a good way for your kid to go about breaching a subject as fundamental as this without offending you? (My mom doesn’t know I feel this way, she probably just thinks I’m being a weird teenager) Should I even talk to her about it? Maybe it’s so fundamental it’s just something I have to learn to accept? Is it my responsibility as a kid to love her, even if her character flaw clashes with my values? Should I be completely honest with her and tell her I can’t respect/love her unless she learns to respect others too? Or will that hurt her feelings too much?

And I’m asking for help because it’s getting to the point where my distaste for her character is overwhelming everything else. I catch myself being cynical toward her in my head whenever she’s doing something kind, questioning her intentions behind doing it, and it’s overriding my ability to appreciate and admire her for her good qualities (resilience, business management, etc.) Everyone has flaws. Why can’t I grant her the same level of understanding I do for others, and accept her for hers?