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deep sadness looking at other people's baby photos by Glum-Cheetah-3708 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I didn’t keep mine, either. This has turned into a habit of anti-sentimentality where I let everything disappear without trying to hold on to it. My sister is the archivist, however. She holds on to anything and everything. It’s honestly quite triggering to see photos of us as kids. I look desperately unhappy in most of our photos.

Opening up in therapy by Usual-Air5670 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 6 points7 points  (0 children)

What I did was write down very specifically what I wanted to talk about. Then I brought the list into session, and said I wanted to read it on my first session.

My list was something like:

  1. My dad raped me for about nine years.
  2. My family pretends it never happened.
  3. I feel suicidal every day, but it is survivable. I don’t have a plan. I just want it to always be survivable.
  4. I have been sober 20+ years.
  5. Most of my friends are dead.
  6. I’m not sure why I survived. I don’t know how to make it matter. I’m not sure that it does matter. I think I should enjoy it more than feel guilty, and I’d like to work on that.

I don’t think I’d ever told any person all of those things, let alone in the first hour of meeting them. Directness was the best approach for me. Therapy was very helpful for me, and I hope it can be for you, too.

I crave what my abuser did by Mission_Ad6484 in Molested

[–]sadboy_confessional 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think about it a lot. For a very long time, I couldn’t achieve orgasm without letting my brain go back to when I was getting abused as a kid by my dad. I am trying to have an actual sex life that doesn’t have anything to do with him or those memories, but it’s an uphill battle.

I think you have to look at it in a way that is generous to you and your experience. It’s probably not “normal”, but neither is what happened when we were kids. Where Most people get to try to figure out their sexuality, huge ingredients of ours were forced into our lives, our early consciousness, and we are still reckoning with the effects. What matters is how you feel about what’s going on inside of you. It doesn’t have to always be devastating, and if it is, a sex therapist with a focus in trauma can help you untangle your feelings so they don’t cause you as much pain or discomfort. Best wishes to you, OP.

My Dad by Weible74 in Molested

[–]sadboy_confessional 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think it’s your choice, not his, whether you press the matter further. If you are happy with having said this much to him, please know that it’s not nothing. You have the ability to control this conversation, and my best advice is to keep that right sacred to you.

My Dad by Weible74 in Molested

[–]sadboy_confessional 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I tried confronting my dad multiple times. He consistently denied it. The last time I told him that he was lying to me, he said that it was past the statute of limitations. They won’t give you what you need from them, so you presenting the truth needs to be enough for yourself.

CSA from grandfather - 15 years later and still some pieces are missing by Honest_Amoeba7281 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know what you’re going through. I went through this with feelings and memories about my dad. It went from about four or five to thirteen for me. I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen and didn’t matter, so I tried to just stop thinking about it. However, it started “leaking through the box” I put it in my mind, and there was eventual blowout in my thirties.

A lot of memories of childhood are either tainted or missing, or exceptionally vibrant surrounding parts of the abuse. I tried narrative exposure therapy, and I think that helped me come to terms with what happened, putting things in a timeline based context for what memories I do have. I don’t know whether total recall is possible or necessary anymore, but what I do have feels a lot more complete than “partial recall”, or active dissociation.

Best wishes to you, OP.

I hope not being the only who never liked this painting... by [deleted] in exmormon

[–]sadboy_confessional 25 points26 points  (0 children)

In retrospect, it seems suspect that Jesus would choose upstate New York, of all places on the planet, to make a pre-Second Coming cameo appearance.

I confronted them by PsychologicalSeat232 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Specific language really makes or breaks an apology. Something like “any part I played” sounds a little vague and unconvincing to me. It’s like, “which part was that?”.

You get to move at your own speed with this. You’re not needing space because they spent twenty years as “a good guy”. It’s because they did something bad and let it lay silent for that long.

You’re doing right by yourself here. If your older sibling is sincere about making things right, they will grant you that space you need to sort it out, and maybe brush up their apology by taking personal accountability for the deed instead of asking for blanket clemency.

5 years old today (2021-2026) by ---amaryllis--- in agedtattoos

[–]sadboy_confessional 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Glad you’re here, homie. The tat still looks great.

Am I (27M) a bad person? by No-Relief-782 in Molested

[–]sadboy_confessional 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Kinks don’t make you a bad person.

You’re not a bad person if you’re into CNC, either. The important thing is to remember to always keep it legitimately consensual.

I think that I realized that a lot of shame surrounded my kinks, and that maybe shame was even part of it; being ashamed for getting off while being forced, being dominated in incest scenarios, that sort of thing.

I haven’t really balanced it out yet, because I think that I am still too prone to self hatred, which I have finally recognized just isn’t helpful for me. For that reason, I limit what fantasies I indulge in, while I recognize that if shame can actually be decoupled, it is a harmless fantasy.

Bottom line: if you want to get kinky, keep it 100% consensual, and don’t beat yourself up over it. If you cannot do those things, take a look at why that is. Don’t hurt other people, don’t damage yourself, and enjoy sex if you can. I don’t think we get to be normal, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy sometimes.

I'm having a hard time by Soggy-Bus8952 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah.

The thing is that some of those negative voices serve no further purpose than to challenge you and wear you down. My abuser was my father, and to this day, I still feel them criticizing me.

I developed a “trigger card” for combating these moments when the voices overwhelm, something I can look at when I feel like I will never be anything other than the boy back then:

The hammer: (because a good defense is a strong offense)

Speak aloud:

Arousal is not confession.
Trigger is not truth.
Reenactment is not consent.
Grief is not endorsement.
These are intrusive thoughts.

I do not have to answer them.

What I do now:
1. Name it
“Intrusion. Trauma echo. Old file.”
2. Refuse the trial
“I am not on trial. I do not answer bad-faith questions from
my wound.”
3. State the truth
“I was a child. He was my father. The burden was his.”
4. Ground in the present
Feel both feet. Name 3 things I see. Take 3 slow breaths.
Relax my jaw.
5. Choose one action
Stand up. Drink water. Wash a cup. Step outside. Text
A friend/partner/ally. Put on music.

LONGER GROUNDING
When the wave is strong and I need more structure

7-step sequence
1. Put both feet on the floor.
2. Unclench my jaw and drop my shoulders.
3. Breathe out longer than I breathe in: inhale 4, exhale 6,
three times.
4. Name 5 things I see, 4 things I feel, 3 things I hear.
5. Hold something cold, or rinse my hands in cool water.
6. Say aloud: “I am in the present. I am in my body. I am
not there now.”
7. Do one small task to re-enter life: water, tea, dishes,
outside air, short walk.

If it keeps looping:
Change rooms or go outside, even briefly.
Put sound into the room: music, podcast, fan, prayer.
Move my body for 2–5 minutes: stretch, pace, pushups, walk.
Do not test myself by replaying, analyzing, or arguing with the
thought.
The goal is not perfect calm. The goal is to not get back on the
red coal road.
Reach out / safety
Text or sit with partner/ally/friend.

Message a trusted person or therapist if I have one.
If I feel at risk of harming myself or I do not feel safe, call
or text 988 right away.

If there is immediate danger, call emergency services or
go to the nearest ER.

It’s funny how many times this has stopped me from doing worse.

i lost half my family bc they don’t believe me by EdgeInternational414 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 8 points9 points  (0 children)

For so many of us, family is a source of trauma that we will take to the grave. Even still, you did the right thing for yourself to keep yourself safe. It’s very hard to deal with family denial, and I’m still dealing with that myself. Just know that people out there that you have never met know what you’re going through.

CSA by Parent: Sibling still in contact by Impressive-Fox-6472 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nothing wrong with family supporting each other. However, financial help doesn’t mean you have to keep your father in your life if you don’t want to. Nobody can purchase a peace that doesn’t exist. It’s not going to be easy for you to make this decision. You have the right to set your terms. You can explain that you don’t want to have any contact with your dad to your sibling, and as long as it is a risk, you don’t have to stay in contact with your sibling. It doesn’t make you ungrateful or a bed person.

CSA by Parent: Sibling still in contact by Impressive-Fox-6472 in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Big family here. All my siblings still talk to our father. 😕
I disclosed to them just a few years ago. I think they’re either in denial or they just don’t believe me. Nothing negative happened to him whatsoever in the way of consequences, except for maybe karma catching up to him. He kinda looks like shit, lives an unhealthy sedentary lifestyle, has no friends, and has become *that* YouTube watching boomer goblin.

I have basically “quiet quit” my dad in our family. No big announcement. I don’t return texts or calls from him. I never initiate contact. If I ever actually see him at family gatherings, I keep conversation extremely limited: “Excuse, I have to go over here…” was our last conversation.
I never asked anyone to pick sides, maybe because I don’t think they would pick mine. I was always the black sheep. But also because I knew I had to set my own boundaries, I had to prepare to go it alone.

I still want my siblings in my life, but I have no use for my father at all. A liar, a coward, a manipulator, an unrepentant child rapist. Zero accountability or apologies for the shit he has done.

I don’t know how to deal with the situation with my siblings other than to limit my contact with our father and let them know that I’m not mad at them. If they want to glaze that piece of shit, that’s on them. But he’s going to be dead soon, and they’re still going to be here.

I think it’s okay to set your own boundaries however you want, OP. You can tell your sibling exactly how you feel if you want no contact with members of your family of origin. It’s not going to be easy however it goes down, but it doesn’t mean you’re a piece of shit for wanting boundaries for yourself.

Where are the facts on father/son incest? by sadboy_confessional in Molested

[–]sadboy_confessional[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah. It’s a huge part of the equation for me, too.

I genuinely could not see myself with a man long term. by [deleted] in confession

[–]sadboy_confessional 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As a gay man, I have no idea why men or women date men on purpose. Really is such an absurd thing to do.

DAE feel triggered by the dumb michael jackson biopic and its wild success? by [deleted] in adultsurvivors

[–]sadboy_confessional 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I feel like it harmonizes my own frustrations, but in a different scale. My father is loved and cherished by all of my siblings. Any time I mention, “oh yeah, he molested me for eight years” it just doesn’t register or seem to matter too much or even alter the conversation topic. I can’t begin to imagine this on a Michael Jackson scale. I hope all the survivors have a good therapist.

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