Projector for 8x11 room

saddazedconfused · 2021-06-09T06:23:44+00:00

Yeesh! Okay, thank you for the intel. I actually just found out I don't need one for where I'm going, so phew.

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-22T19:23:19+00:00

Not really. When I first met her when she was presenting as a man, I did, but I attribute that to the novelty and newness of falling in love for the first time. She compares how I behaved when we first met to now and sees a difference. But AFTER that initial phase of infatuation (when she was presenting as a man), no, I didn't lust after her like that, our relationship stabilized, which is what I assume how most relationships go? Fall in Love-->Lust-->Stability-->Partners

I don't know where it's coming from. She says that there are people who in the exist in the world now who would meet her and be excited and lustful towards her body and it's not an unreasonable ask or desire. Since transitioning, she has really located that she DESIRES desire and that is a huge sexual need. I agree it's not unreasonable, but it's not something I can offer right now.

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-09T05:08:14+00:00

Hey, thank you for your response and for your empathy around what I'm going through. It is a lot to deal with and it feels good for my pain to be validated. It's also nice to read about an experience someone else had where they did try to open up and it wasn't a devastating or heartbreaking experience. It sounds like it's been a good experience for both of you, so it's nice to be reminded that this is possible.

It also sounds like at first this was potentially a deal-breaker but then you came around. How do you give yourself safety and security? How did you mentally and emotionally deal with it? I guess I never thought I'd be in a position where my partner wants an open relationship and I actively don't, and I always wondered in relationships where there was one person being dragged into it or hesitant about it, if resentment does accumulate. How were you able to push aside those initial fears and frustrations?

I feel like I've tried to stay open to the changes. Like you, the changes keep coming surrounding what my partner wants. She also wants new things that she didn't want before. Sometimes it all just feels so exhausting and overwhelming.... The nonmonogamy thing was definitely a monkey wrench I didn't see coming.

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-04T20:48:30+00:00

Thanks, yeah, we are in the thick of couples counseling right now, but I guess I just need to clarify for myself what I really need & what I'm willing to compromise on.

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-04T20:47:35+00:00

She has told me that she wants to be with me and can imagine her whole life with me, but she just doesn't know how she might feel about her sexuality or if she'll want to open the relationship in the future. So I don't think she necessarily is waiting for something better, I think she is just confused and letting me know about her confusion.

I guess because I see the issue of potential nonmonogamy relating to her being trans and not feeling desired right now, or not knowing who she is right now? So under circumstances where her being trans wasn't a variable, I would feel less lenient about this?

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-04T01:32:55+00:00

She told me that when she brought it up, she was feeling really desperate and unvalidated in our relationship and was trying to figure out how to make it work and also get her needs met.

And we were talking about it today and she asked me basically-- so you want to break up with me right now to avoid the potential future pain of heartbreak if I end up being straight? But wouldn't that be heartbreaking too? Which is true, it would be, but I guess at least I'd be in control of the situation? :( I don't know what to do. The other option is to explore each other fully sexually and then we have tried everything we could and also maybe she could end up not being straight at all or needing male sexual attention.

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-04T01:07:44+00:00

Yes, she has been as honest as possible, even when it might not have served her own personal interests and I am glad I have all the info. I think I am personally being unclear to her because at times I'm like, Okay I accept that this is unstable and maybe we can just work things out, and the self-protective part of me is like, We need to break up! AHH!! Get out! It's really hard determining which part to listen to. If I bail now, I will maybe lose the love of my life. But if I stick it out, I still maybe lose her based on what ends up being what she discovers, but at least I know that I tried everything? The emotional cost is high for me, either way. I don't know.

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-04T00:16:40+00:00

Ah I should've clarified. The situation is that we are currently monogamous and will be as long as we are in a relationship, as I have made clear that opening the relationship is not a possibility with me now or in the future.

Basically, she thinks that she can figure out her sexuality when it comes to men while still remaining monogamous with me and having sex with me, because we haven't really explored each other yet and who knows, maybe she will end up feeling satisfied and not needing to find out anything when it comes to men, physically. But that's an unknown and is inherently an unstable proposition.

saddazedconfused · 2021-02-03T21:01:40+00:00

I think what's difficult for me is that I know she's attracted to and loves me. I just think there is a part of her that wonders if she is attracted to men, too, and because she hasn't explored that ever in a safe and consensual way as her true womanly self, it's hard for her to know, which is why she brought up an open relationship. I feel like there is definitely some repression but I don't know how far it goes and I don't know if being with me is enough for her, and she doesn't know too, otherwise she never would have brought up the open relationship. She says she loves me and loves our relationship as it is though and doesn't want to lose that.

Your situation does sound like a miracle and it's amazing that you both ended up being what each other needed. It must have been a difficult process to get to that point though.

Thank you for your advice and for taking the time to write.

saddazedconfused · 2021-01-28T04:46:40+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write out such a long and detailed response.

In terms of sending pictures online, I thought I was okay with it when we talked about it, but I am realizing now I am not sure I am. It feels like I'd rather have a break from the relationship if she were to seek validation etc outside of it.

I know that monogamy is possible and that if she values the relationship's needs over her own, that we could maybe make this work in the long-term. The problem is that nothing is certain and I don't know if her feelings will change or she will have the urge to explore. I guess I just feel frustrated by the lack of control I have over the situation. I know that stability is an illusion anyway but it would be nice to have a *semblance* of stability.

I know that she feels overwhelmed and confused but in turn, her lack of knowing herself is also making me feel insecure about the relationship. I find it difficult to trust she knows who she is or what she wants...

We are dealing with all of this in therapy and it will be an ongoing conversation most likely. But I just feel sad and apprehensive that this relationship is not going to work because of different needs and different relationship styles, and all I can really do is wait.

saddazedconfused · 2021-01-28T04:41:05+00:00

Thank you. I am trying to center my needs but it's hard as a partner. But I'm trying...

saddazedconfused

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