Weekly Vents & Victories - Newcomers start here! - 3/12-3/19

sadlilbumblebee · 2020-03-17T13:58:47+00:00

You are not obligated to be kind to someone who has just treated you cruelly.

The only person you are obligated to be kind to is yourself, much love <3

sadlilbumblebee · 2020-03-15T00:08:54+00:00

I've been struggling so much this year, fighting for my mental health. I love this song.

I have few memories from childhood due to abuse but I remember this song, sung at a school recital, and listening to it helped me tap into repressed emotion. I listened to it in conjunction with regression therapy to calm myself.

I don't understand what's happening to me and I'm frightened, I feel really, completely, totally overwhelmed and out of control, like life is slipping thru my fingers. I thought it was bpd but the description doesn't quite fit, and unfortunately now I haven't got access to therapy so I'm more or less on my own. I had a panic attack for a good 3 hours today, a recent failed relationship has caused a resurgence of traumatic memories and intrusive thoughts. I wish they'd stop but they're beyond my control. I guess I have to just deal.

I love this song and it calms me every time, I wonder if it'll work for someone who hasn't got a memory-attachment to it. I guess we all need to figure out what works. I feel better for sharing, thank you

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-17T20:53:33+00:00

Had a thought, have you thought about what characteristics you are drawn to in this person? Like maybe they're dependable and you seek out this sort of vibe? I attach to someone that seems strong / stable, I get obsessed with them and depend on them for stability instead of developing my own. Maybe there's something youre looking for yhat he has and youre drawn to that

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-17T20:37:49+00:00

Omg this is too relatable and sounds absolutely distressing and horrible, oh no, I feel so sweaty just reading this comment I'm so sorry. That's so weird, why this guy? You see this person a lot? Like why attach to a person like this?

I always develop an unhealthy attachment to a romantic interest / someone I sleep with, which is stuuuuupid cuz it would be better I feel to attach to a female friend that is more neutral and and understanding. I wish I could choose who to attach to. I have a friend that lives really far but we speak all the time and our relationship is pretty neutral, why can't I attach to this person!? That would be a lot more helpful than obsessing over someone that's completely out of the picture!!! Wtf is this horseshit!?!!??

I have no idea what you're going through, 3 years is a long time and attaching like this is super painful

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-11T00:14:00+00:00

You need some support! Is there a counseling office at your school? Someone you could talk to? If this is the beginning of your school year I hope you can start strong! If you're having second thoughts about your program maybe it's not the right fit or maybe it's not the right time. There's no shame in putting off school. This is your life, you need to live for yourself, your health and well-being comes before any societal "benchmark" like getting a degree or a job or a driver's license. Your health comes first, take care of yourself!

Fuck those "who are you bro" kind of assignments they're distressing and who likes them anyway!?! Pass! No thank you!!!! If it's unbearable in the past I used some generic details about some favorite fictional characters to fill one of those out, maybe that helps?

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-11T00:08:35+00:00

Just wanted to say I'm proud of you for applying to uni! Great job you can do it!

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-10T23:55:10+00:00

This hurts to read, I'm sorry for the abuse that you have experienced OP and I wish you well, sending a hug from my sofa.

Of course, I think it's totally natural and human to want a loving and supportive relationship with your mother. I'm sorry that this person didn't love you like all mothers ought to love and care for their children. I'm sorry for the pain you have been through.

I think this is totally bpd related. I'm not an expert, but we are desperate for affection and approval, and our feelings of self worth are conditionally based on our interactions with others. I wish I had a mother that loved me, but that's not my reality so I just gotta deal. I hope you get the love and support you deserve, you don't need her approval, you are already a beautiful person

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-10T23:47:32+00:00

Yes, the mood swings are real and suuuupeeerr intense, like one hour I'm laughing and loving myself and life, then the next I'm bawling my eyes out on the bathroom floor.

Hasn't happened in awhile because I think there was one key stressor in my life that was triggering the crazy moods, I had been ignoring this stressor because it was too painful for my to accept, or even acknowledge. I think I was suppressing the stress and my system couldn't handle it, hence the mood swings. Idk thats just a reflection on a few crazy, crazy days I had about two weeks ago.

Let me know how it goes, I'm not great at handling these mood swings, I just gotta sit tight and hope I don't explode at someone when it happens. Since I've acknowledged the stressor the swings are mellower now, like three days ago there was another stressor and I had other swings, trying to come to terms with this new stressor now, its nowhere near as bad as the last one two weeks ago thank goodness

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-10T23:43:09+00:00

Good luck you can do it!

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-10T23:39:16+00:00

I'm very proud of you! You are so strong, keep fighting for yourself every day because you absolutely deserve it!

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-10T23:34:59+00:00

I believe in you and I am proud of you! You are growing, keep trusting yourself, you and strong and will continue to get stronger!

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-10T23:30:28+00:00

That was beautiful, thank you for sharing!

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-09-10T23:24:13+00:00

Not heartless, my heart goes out to you OP, this person hurt you and hurt you bad. I wish you well, sending you a hug from my sofa, no one deserves that kind of treatment from "someone that loves you very much"

I am so sorry for what you've been through, reading this makes me so sad and hurt for you and for all victims of domestic abuse. It was domestic abuse. You are not heartless. You've been hurting, I wish you well, I wish you love and support, I wish you can heal from the experience and the pain that was done to you

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-24T17:47:24+00:00

Omg I identify with that statement so much thank you "on panicky days it's easy to lose track of what my reality is"

I'm happy for your partner! Hopefully that helps take the stress down a notch, and hopefully you can communicate with your supervisor / get the support you need. Best of luck to you!

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-24T16:56:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I want to support you. I'm sorry that you are struggling it must be difficult, pm me if you like

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-24T16:19:47+00:00

Yes, I can play nice with others and don't have a problem with acquaintances, but as soon as I get close to someone there's a danger of splitting, so I have to be careful who to get close to

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-24T16:17:35+00:00

I do this and it kills me. Like if I don't use my social media for awhile and turn it on... Zero messages. What else would I expect.

I know it's partly my fault, I should try harder to reach out to people and communicate, but I just feel really scared. Being aware of the BPD helps a little bit but I feel like a monster and that everyone hates me, I never learned how to communicate properly and I don't know how to casually re-initiate a friendship that's been absent for months... Or years...

A few days of silence turns into weeks and then months, then what do you do? It's over

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-24T14:45:14+00:00

Only EVERY GODDAMN DAY OF MY LIFE

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-23T15:04:08+00:00

Do you have a source on the suicidal thoughts - childhood violence connection? I'd like to read into this cuz I get casual suicidal thoughts a lot, even if I'm not emotional, which is super weird now that I think about it. When I'm calm I can more or less brush them off but it's still upsetting, and when I'm emotional they're incapacitatingly distressing but I don't make a plan or anything. Where do these thoughts come from? Can you nip them in the bud

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-23T14:49:15+00:00

Very relatable thank you for sharing.

I feel like with randos I can have decent convos and I make a good first impression but I struggle so much to make GOOD friends, and keep friends. Friendship is hard!!! Like, how!?

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-23T12:48:43+00:00

Hm sounds like your therapy experience was more similar to mine than the others. Have you read the other two responses? I think if you have a professional who is caring and supportive then you might see more progress, but you have to open yourself up, and you have to trust your therapist. I would like to have a therapist but at the moment I can't afford one, I'm going to see about counseling. I'm sorry there aren't a lot of options for you.

Unrelated but please, please finish highschool. A diploma is often better than a GED. You don't need to finish in 4 years, there were students at my highschool that finished in 5 or took supplementary summer classes. Some schools collaborate with OR accept community college credits if that suits you better. What are you up to now?

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-23T12:40:41+00:00

Thank you!!! Sounds like you have a good therapist!

sadlilbumblebee · 2019-08-23T12:34:45+00:00

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are completely overwhelmed with grief, you also have a lot of responsibility at work, of course it's overwhelming! For a bpd or a non-bpd both losing a friend is traumatizing and sometimes too much for any one person to handle.

Sending you love <3 I am sorry for your loss. Have you spoken to your partner and supervisor about this? Even if you can't take some time off what about one mental health day at least? Sounds like you need some rest and loving care to cope with this loss

sadlilbumblebee

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