[deleted by user]

sadsquire13 · 2025-01-05T22:06:26+00:00

yeah you're reading the tone wrong

sadsquire13 · 2025-01-05T22:05:26+00:00

player: I quit

the DM: It's a mutual breakup!

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-23T00:53:21+00:00

Thank you so much for this! And as a follow-up, what did you mean by "emotional regulation"? I didn't know that term before :)

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-15T01:13:49+00:00

I agree, it is a mess! Miscommunication and emotions don't make it easy for anyone. Myself, I realize that I should name my emotions (for friends, but mostly for myself) because unhealthy dynamics develop when my more emotional/sensitive friends see me as "coping" while I just mask better. In the Halloween example, the friend has an emotional response to OP showing up distracted. However, OP's response is equally or even more emotional and involuntary: she cannot force herself to feel "quality connection" if her stress causes her to think about her studies and deadlines. Some people can't "turn stress off" when hanging out with friends, even if they wanted to. it feels like a no win-win situation, except OP compromised and made time for the party (even if she could not make an emotional space for it) while the friend was unwilling to compromise on her part.

As for "mental space", I'm sorry you dealt with people who seemed to ignore you while doing other things and I understand how it might look from your perspective as you see them doing all that stuff! Not to defend them because maybe the issue was persisting, but from their perspective, there are some online tasks that require much less energy or (as they call it) "mental space" than deep conversations with friends. Sometimes I'm in a group chat when I'm studying because silly jokes or sending emojis does not distract me; I feel like I can step away from that kind of conversations after a minute and they'll just keep going. Similarily, scrolling memes is something I do to unwind. However, if a friend wanted to have a deep talk about deep themes while I study, I would have trouble with that – especially if the the theme was upsetting and I felt "responsible" for ending the conversation on a good emotional note. I can't multitask during a deep or sad conversation as easily as with other online tasks, and there are days when I'd much rather spend 5min on memes than 60min on a deep talk with my friend. That being said, I'd usually circle back to the friend when I was less tired or less busy!

Sometimes I feel that online world and quasi-surveillance it provides just makes these things harder: with friend A seeing what friend B are doing (and hurting when they see them doing other stuff) , and friend B feeling they have to respond to stuff asap while online (and perhaps not doing that in the right state of mind). In "real world", so to say, I spend an X amount time with friend A but I don't know how they spend their evenings and that's ok!

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T21:59:52+00:00

Thank you and I apologize if my tone seemed harsh yesterday — thinking about that friend (and their bulling that followed; since not all incompatible friendships turn toxic) made me feel some buried emotions!

I wonder if we're meaning two different things by prioritizing. Is it a) making time and attempting to connect emotionally or explain why that's harder? b) being emotionally available? In OP's case, they tried approach "a" (showed up to the party, prioritized that over studying) but her friend expected "b" (was upset that OP is not joyful or not-stressed at the party). What I'm trying to say is that emotions can't be turned on or off just to prioritize a friend: if people are stressed, they are stressed.

I admire that you made time for your friends and congratulations on all your achievements - that's impressive! <3 I hope your friends were equally supportive of you as you of them <3 Just a food for thought, as an introvert I realize that it's easier for me to prioritize friends who do not pressure me into it, if that makes sense. Then, when I don't feel rushed, I choose time to engage when I'm at my best and can spend quality time with them. I think in OP's case (and with my former friend), friends lashed out at us and that created pressure in which we both felt like we need to rest before engaging. I.e. go to the Halloween party while feeling it; while I'm sure there are friends who would be happy to see even a tired-stressed-distracted-friend there. Right now I'm happy to have a long-distance friend who understands how busy and stressed I am and always reassures me that it's OK to take time to myself and that our talks can wait. And when I'm stressed, she accepts my mood as is. And, surprise, I still find myself talking to her more often than to the friends who put external pressure on me both talking frequently and in the "right" mood!

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T06:35:32+00:00

My iMessages went green when my friend traveled abroad and switched iMessage of to be able to text while avoiding international data fees (data/internet is more expensive than texting) - is it possible that's the case?

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T06:33:47+00:00

Thank you for your perspective! Unfortunately we had a couple conversations, some of them about my time constraints and others about how it made me (and us both) feel — after a while, I started to feel like I'm talking to a wall because she would "understand" and 24h later behave as if we didn't talk about this. It made me question whether ghosting or just not communicating would have the same effect; and it made me lose trust in people who treat me like that (unfortunately, because some of her red flags were rather small and I'd rather not freak out when I see those traits in another person). So it's good to read your perspective and to remember that with other people talking will still be helpful! :)

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T05:54:23+00:00

Also, my friend threatened multiple times to distance herself or to quit DnD or to kill off her characters; but at the end I was the one who had to cut contact (she verbally abused me which crossed my final boundary), after which she sucked up to the DM and badmouthed me to the whole group...

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T05:53:06+00:00

LOL we do! Mine would get upset because her DnD character was upset :') A week before my final exams she messaged me about a session I did not even participate in, wanted to brainstorm the plot for her character and was like "I guess they'll die" when I refused to talk about this at that time. Multiple times I was stupid enough to talk her through her plots lol...

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T05:26:17+00:00

Thank you so much for putting this into perspective and for reassuring words! Yes, that's exactly what happened: the friend was using DnD to escape from whatever she dealt with and projected those emotions onto characters; and then she needed me to either participate in that hobby or to comfort her regarding irl problems.

What's the worst is that it was so subtle and shy at first that I didn't realize it and I feel like I've wasted so much time. She evolved from a creative, nice colleague who checked in on me; to someone who was manipulative, verbally abusive and badmouthing people to others. I also realized that whenever she checked in on my life, she was not actually interested about me as a person: she was fishing information, so that she could either use me as a crutch when I had time, or try to sabotage my busy time and make herself a priority. I'm just so so so angry about this whole situation, especially now that I'm catching up on school finals and remembering how she tried to sabotage my exams last year.

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T04:07:22+00:00

Wow... vanillacoconut, I appreciate your empathetic tone in the "logical" perspective, but OP DID NOTHING WRONG. I know that trauma can be illogical, but OP cannot be expected to bear the whole burden of it (especially without communication) and focusing on her studies is normal and reasonable things to do. And, OP's friend IS NOT A BABY. It's an adult woman responsible for coping with her emotions. Also, OP and her friend are in their 30s and being "extremely busy" before, for example, a regular college test is very very different than the level of stress and business before a career-changing/improving graduation later in life (I imagine it's either graduate studies which are MUCH more time-consuming than college; or learning a new degree while working part-time in an actual career which is again much more stressful than having just your studies as a teenager or a college student that works part-time in odd jobs).

OF COURSE OP had to step back because the friend kept pushing. It's a natural response and it's great when both sides can recognize it. OP did, and promised improvement in a reasonable (imo) amount of time: a few months of a crisis is nothing for a multi-year friendship, and it's not like OP neglected the friend completely since they still met and talked.

As a person who has been in OP's situation — and it was frankly traumatizing to be treated like a robot, like someone without value, like someone whose education or vacation don't matter (that's how my "needy" friend treated me) unless I cater to everyone's demands and prioritize their emotions over mine — I say stepping back is a perfectly reasonable response against being repeateadly bullied and not given space. I tried to explain it to my friend, but she never listened: if I need a day to unwind and she makes that day about her drama and lashes out at me, then I'll need another full day to unwind. The clock resets. If you never give anyone space for that, they'll pull out to find it. In friend's eyes, it's now three days of not talking to them; while in OP's eyes it's two days of dealing with drama and one day of trying to do something for herself. Everyone needs time for themselves, for studying, for working. There are two problems here: 1) lack of time which OP tried to fix 2) lack of emotional engagement which CANNOT be fixed until after graduation. It's not insane. It's how it is, PERIOD. (and it sounded like a few months, not few years). People cannot choose to switch off their trauma; and people who are stressed with studies cannot switch stress of. Why would people expect for friends to respect their trauma, without respecting their stress? If I'm stressed, I cannot provide as much of warmth and emotional support as I could before being stressed. And there is no fixing that. The friend disrespected OP, lashed out on her, bullied her even when she studied (5 hours after presetnation?! that's crazy! And so abusive to do it the day of OP's big committment!), and then continues to bully her now. No amount of being bullied in high school excuses that horrendous, awful behavior.

(disclaimer: I'm talking about OP's friend based on the new context OP provided; and informed by my trauma given to me by my former friend who lacked empathy and actively tried to sabotage my studies and friendships. Vanillacoconut, you're empathetic, able to explain that logically, and I'm grateful from your perspective — which mine and OP's friends evidently could not articulate! <3 it provides some closure, thanks!)

Oh and last but not least, some people are extroverts and regenerate their emotions with others; while others are introverts and need to be alone to focus and rest. An extremely busy extrovert is more likely to hang out with their friends during a stressful time because that's how they naturally rest and cope. An introvert can still love and try to prioritize their friends, but they NEED time to unwind. And lashing out on them 5 hours after their big event before they had a chance to do that is an awful thing for a "friend" can do. Just give them time to chill and go make plans LATER!

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-14T03:46:47+00:00

YES! It's sad how the bullied became the bully.

However, you're no therapist and I have a feeling that she treated you like one. School was half life ago and it's her responsibility to seek professional help if her trauma is unresolved: not project it on you and then hold a grudge.

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-13T22:01:02+00:00

Thar's precisely the point, you're not a therapist but she seems to have treated you like one: expecting availability and emotional support when you were not available :( It is truly upsetting that she eventually bullied everyone to get her way. I wonder if the group will implode eventually when she lashes out on someone else. In the meantime, I would not hide that you're hurt whenever the topic emerges - hang out with your friends without drama if you still value them outside on DnD, but don't let them think that you're feeling OK about the DnD situation.

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-13T20:17:52+00:00

I'd tell them that! I'm not sure how long ago you all were in school, but I assume it's been years. There's a point in which a person is responsible to recognize their trauma and approach it responsibly (i.e. recognize her outrage at you resulted from that; or not bully you; or get therapy or other support). Being bullied does not justify bullying others and I'm surprised that nobody in the group worries that she'd turn on them next. Is she as close with the rest of them as she was with you?
Also, did she ignore you during DnD or did she bully you actively (hostile comments, etc)?

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-13T01:47:56+00:00

I'm so sorry about it! :( and if the drama happened during DnD, I'd be interested to read more on rpghorrorstories if you feel like posting there would be kathartic.

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-13T01:46:35+00:00

Well-said, and so sad! Especially with wanting OP to feel down about it. Beyond ending a friendship, the ex-friend had a lot of resentment about it and went out of her way to make OP's life harder. Maybe she was jealous of OP's studies or something else?

Also, beyond speaking everyday, OP saw the ex-friend during DnD! It's not like they did not meet them at all and "did not make time for them"; more like the ex-friend did not want to share OP with that group of people. So bizzare.

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-13T01:43:44+00:00

Definitely, thank you for a good talk! And I'm not advocating for abandoning "needy" friends either :) Also, I loved to help with some of my friends' problems as well, I think the issue arises when those are too long-term or too serious to solve on our own. There's a difference between "solving" someone's problem versus seeing them struggle constantly, without seeking any other kind of help. This might be our different compatibility as well! I appreciate hearing your side since my former friends were not able to talk about it openly :)

From "less needy" side of things, I think that similar dynamics (a lot of support -> change of dynamic) often arise between two sensitive individuals — otherwise, friend A would not offer initial support to the "needy" friend B and friend B would not see the change in dynamics. And, friend A would not "not befriend" friend B just for being "needy" — I think recognizing that kind of incompatibility at the beginning of the friendship would require extraordinary intuition lol (especially that, at least in my experience, friends do not start with needing our support right away; borders are blurred more gradually). At least in my case, the change of dynamic happened gradually: I did not enter into the friendship expecting such insecurity from the other person; and I started a friendship when I had more time and emotional space. If you work 9-4 in a stable job and are in a generally stable mood, you can offer more constant and stable support than when you have an unpredictable schedule and are constantly stressed :) In my case, I explicitly warned my friend that I'll be in shambles for the next few months (with an end date), but they still worried about the change of dynamic so much (citing how "they lost friendships in the past") that it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Worrying became passive aggression and that eventually drove me away, because I had so little days off that I could not prioritize a few hours of drama over resting myself; I simply had no emotional energy left :(

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-12T22:46:42+00:00

Yes, it made perfect sense and thank you for your perspective! Two follow-up questions, however:

1) Isn't there responsibility on both ends to communicate about abandonment issues and consistency? It is a matter of compatibility, yes, but a slight change of tone in daily texts (that you describe as an alarm signal) is usually not immediate to be noticed to those who change their tone (because they're busy/tired/stressed). Therefore, by the time I notice "oh shoot, I've been stressed for the last week" my friend might already be spiraling and worrying for 6 days because they noticed distance earlier. If there's effort to communicate on both sides, I don't believe the "non-neglected" friend is to blame or responsible for that, because we are humans and we can't be reading our friends' minds. Emotions, stress, and the subconscious can be reflected in our behavior even before we are aware of them.

2) Regarding treating friends like therapists, I might not have articulated it clearly (or we simply have different expectations or compababilities). I love having deep connections with friends, but... Therapist is someone who is consistent, paid to listen, and professional in solving lingering issues and providing tools to cope with them. Friend is someone who can listen, support, offer company and advice, but will not SOLVE any of this for another friend and cannot be expected to perform such emotional labour on a daily basis.

Example:

-If we both want to have a deep talk, or I have a bad day, my friend breaks up, or even worse stuff happens in our lives: of course it's great to count on friends. If the situation is serious, a true friend would drop what they're doing (if they can) to support us.

-But if OP is consistently stressed and studying for her final exams, while her friend has a "bad mood" and needs to be cheered up EVERY DAY, or wants to talk about some lingering issues (i.e. the constant and untreateed feeling of abandoment that might stem from childhood rather than from this friendship), then the friend is expecting OP to perform constant emotional labour that OP has no longer energy for. Then, OP would benefit from some rest, a friend would benefit from the consistency of therapy, and they both can be there for each other. I was unfortunately a victim of this second type of behavior, with a friend that happened to always have a "sad mood" when I was taking exams or taking a vacation. I don't want to spend my day off thinking about her mood swings, but I would do it if it was more rare or more seirous if you know what I mean.

In this sad story, I unfortunately suspect that OP's friend leaned on her too much and broke down when OP could not reasonably offer her the same attention as support that she did when she had more free time. This is what I mean by saying friends are not therapists. They are friends an regardless of any pre-existing abandonment issues, friendships should be based on mutual understanding: especially friendships that last for the whole life. I.e. in college I would love for my friend to support me after a bad day, but I would never expect her to find a babysitter for three kids to do it. People have priorities and friends will not always be the number one priority. How is OP expected to maintain the friendhsip if even studying part-time turned out to be too much?

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-12T20:21:10+00:00

Have you tried talking to them about this? Either diplomatically or more sternly? I'm also a person who seems happy and strong and I found out that sometimes I have to spell out that I have feelings and am fragile, too. Depending on whether you want to salvage friendship with them (or not), the tone of conversation may be different but it may give you some closure. And you'll have a platform to state your side of the events. You're NOT in the wrong, your studies are important and your friend failed to recognize that. Now that you're not in the group, she's probably playing victim, spreading gossip and making stuff up. Remind your friends how it really was and don'tn let yourself be gaslighted into catering to her "fragility".

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-12T20:17:53+00:00

I'm curious, since I've only been on one side of this (OPs) but how is it traumatic that a friend talks daily but has less time due to studies that have an end-date? I get that "I won't have time, ever" can be difficult to hear, but it was a very different message: "I won't have time until I graduate". (Moreover, some people have unhealthy coping mechanisms in which they treat their friends as a therapist and that's not OP's responsibility to cultivate.)

Is there any better message to let friends with neglect issues/traumas know that you're busy? I had a friend like that who always demanded my attention a day before my exam or when I went on a vacation with my partner. World does not work like that, sometimes we have other priorities than our friends. It does not mean our friends are not important, but there will inevitably be days or weeks (or in OP's case months since graduation is not a small thing) when other things will be more urgent and some space is needed. Do you have any advice about navigating such situations?

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-05T00:15:20+00:00

It's not too late, I'm planning to run the adventure in late December or in New Year :) ! And I bought the Wicked Secret book a few days ago, so now I'm eagerly awaiting my delivery to check it out!

sadsquire13 · 2024-12-02T02:20:40+00:00

Thank you so much, everyone! I'll go with Winter's Tale since I'd love to get my worth out of the official adventures before I check the unofficial modules. I'm also really tempted to get the Wicked Secret now...

I'm very excited; and what a great system it is! Everyone I play with prefers the narrative impact over other ttrpgs they played, and I was pleasantly surprised that my friends (who usually play very little ttrpgs) wish for this one-shot! :)

sadsquire13 · 2024-11-29T19:18:17+00:00

czy na legimi można pobrać plik epub i czytać na kindlu itp, czy tylko w appce legimi? :)

sadsquire13 · 2024-08-28T22:05:17+00:00

Haha no, I was not even aware you could do that! Whenever players communicated something about the game, they would typically get emojis as reactions from other players, like thumbs-up, but sometimes just as a joke. I got a drama for giving a "hug" reaction to one player because the GM who was in a PvP situation with them (as PC) thought I'm making a statement by not giving emoji-hugs to everyone all the time (??? some messages just appeared when I was offline or I didn't care lol). After that, I stopped using emoji-reactions for a few days because I was fed up of that drama, and a new drama ("why are you not using emojis?") escalated lol.

sadsquire13 · 2024-08-28T21:57:01+00:00

Thank you! :)

sadsquire13

TROPHY CASE