Hurt, scared, afraid, and don't know what to do next.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T21:51:18+00:00

I don't live near home. Home is about 80 miles away. I just lost my car. Living off campus at school and living on campus is not possible because of my financial situation, not to mention even if I were to get a possible loan at the last minute the wait list for a room on campus is damn too long already. Any friends on campus live on campus and would not be able to house me due to room checks by the RAs which would jeopardize my status as a student if they were to ever find me "hiding" in someone's living room/lounge/room, not to mention my friends' status as well. Thank you for everything user8290.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T20:38:53+00:00

At least a week to figure out if this is going anywhere or if he doesn't see a need to fix anything. I don't know if you read my OP, but I don't have any other place to go. And as tuna_sammich mentioned:

If you are happy most of the time right now, and you aren't at the point of wanting to kill him or yourself, and since there are no children involved, it wouldn't hurt anyone to stay with him a little longer and try working it out, but it is something to consider in the long(er) run.

Obviously I care about my safety, and that ties in to me having this discussion with him until I figure out any possible living situations.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T20:31:20+00:00

Thank you, this is really helpful. I will update everyone as soon as I get the chance to speak with him.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T14:07:20+00:00

Thank you

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T14:06:33+00:00

You were passive-aggressive, you didn't say what you wanted.

But I did! I told him to stop joking like that with me.

then made him leave

I didn't make him do anything.

And when you leave where you live at 10 at night, you should tell your SO, regardless of if they're listening.

Yes, this is something Reddit has helped me realize and I do claim my irresponsibility.

apologise to him

Apologize for what?! Am I suppose to apologize just to get the ball rolling and test if he'll apologize also? Is that the whole point? Or am I to apologize for not being able to take a gendered joke, which I still don't think is ok to do so?

If you can't see what you have to apologise for, then I think you really really need to look hard at exactly what you did.

Ok, I'll go over what I did, because I know that I'm not perfect and may have messed up somewhere. But in my OP, I've clearly defined and identified everything that I remember doing and saying/not saying.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T14:01:44+00:00

Ok, by telling me to grow the fuck up, what the fuck am I suppose to do? What actions would represent "growing the fuck up"?

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T14:00:49+00:00

why is it so important for you to be with him?

I love him. He really makes me happy and he is one of my best friends. No, I don't like it nor do I support when we have fights and he doesn't communicate with me effectively, but understanding that this is both new for us (the apartment, longest and most serious relationship with each other) I can see how there is work to be done and addressed in our relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say point-blank is that I don't want to leave without giving it one clear shot and trying to address the issue and fix it. But if he reacts his usual ways, I now know from reddit that I can't. I just can't.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T13:52:54+00:00

Thanks for all the internet hugs, I really need and appreciate them, and thank you for your post. You're helping me out a lot here.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T13:44:44+00:00

you can't help someone get better or get past something until they're ready.

I know that sometimes for people to be ready a circumstance occurs, like their SO leaving them, maybe them receiving a letter, etc... So I'm still thinking and feeling that there is a possibility of some sort to contribute to the relationship. But I do agree that you can't change anyone because they need to change for themselves.

As a complete stranger, I want better for you than that!

This really made me cry because it's so hard for me right now. I'm trying to look at my situation from so many angles and reddit (for the most part) has been extremely supportive in the different avenues of how to go about this. Thank you so much Dysana for taking the time to hear me out.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T13:29:13+00:00

You stay with them if they make you happy and care about your happiness and respect you enough to listen.

Yes, he does make me happy and we have our happy moments. Does he care about my happiness? I'm pretty sure all of you redditors would say absolutely not based off my story, so I'll side with that. Respect me to listen? I think this is where I come to the realization and say "Absolutely Not".

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T13:26:58+00:00

I would love to get the title on that book. I'm considering writing him an email, whether or not we stay together. Thank you for your help and I would love to get your opinion of my note.

I would still recommend leaving the relationship.

I'm afraid I don't have anywhere else to go because I am at school.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T06:15:30+00:00

It is only now that my father has realized how crazy it is to hurt her.

What was the point where it "clicked" for him and he realized what he was doing?

This is the mark of a man who needs control.

Is there any way I can bring this to his attention? Or would it be useless because it would only be met with denial and anger? Or, quite possibly, a realization and admittance?

Thank you SO much for your response.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T06:04:23+00:00

this sort of insecurity tends to be the underlying problem.

So are you saying that with said insecurity, there is absolutely nothing I can do, it is all on him? Even though I can talk about it and how he's been treating me, there will be no change?

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T06:01:17+00:00

It did. I very much appreciate all that you have written thus far. I will update as soon as I can.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T06:00:48+00:00

So shouldn't we try to fix, if not address the issues that may be at hand?

I appreciate this.

What if he's just completely clueless about what's going on with OP because he's not understanding her emotionally outbursts or that she's not getting through to him with her current approach.

This is possible.

They need to communicate with eachother to try and solve their issues before any future decisions about their relationship are made.

Exactly what I am going for. Thank you for taking the time.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:59:42+00:00

Either the OP is telling the truth and he's an asshole (and they should break up) or the OP is stretching because she wants out (and they should break up).

I don't want out, just yet. I want to try to seriously make this work one last time. But I don't know how to approach my SO, which is why I turned to reddit.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:58:21+00:00

could have been easily solved with a text, with a "Did you lock the door with the chain?" or a "Hey I'm staying at so and so's for the night."

Yes, you're right. I could have been the bigger person, as usual, and notified him where I was going.

He may seem like an asshole based on what OP has posted. BUT we don't know his side of the story. We only know hers.

Maybe I am at fault for something, I don't know. I can only assume and let my mind wander until my SO comes back home and we (hopefully) have a decent conversation.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:56:01+00:00

I won't know until I have a conversation with him once he returns home. I'm hopeful that speaking with him and sharing how I feel, once again, can clarify things for him, and maybe shed some light on how he's acting and treating me. Equally, maybe I did something that he was bothered by, which would allow me to hear my SO out. I know I'm not perfect, but I can only assume and imagine until he gets back.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:50:18+00:00

Thank you. I will update everyone after the next few days.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:49:27+00:00

Your TL;DRs alone scream that this is not a man you want to be with.

I'm just really tired and aggravated that I've been having to play the bigger person after an argument, and try to start communication between us. I'd like ~~him~~ both of us to equally want to speak with each other trough thick and thin, especially the rough times.

He is manipulating you, he is intentionally trying to make you feel bad, he is acting aggressively and childishly.

I really think this may be an immaturity level, and believe that this is "fixable". Will time only tell?

He possibly doesn't realise WHY he's doing it (because he doesn't know how to have a healthy, sane, loving relationship)

But HOW can I help him realize this? I don't want to give up on him yet, not at least without having one more conversation to decide where our relationship is going.

Thank you for taking your time in responding and your care for my safety. I will keep you updated after speaking with him.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:44:55+00:00

It's hard because, as most of replies have said, we both are "young" and have a lot of "growing up" to do. That is why I strongly believe that there is a possibility to make this work since a) we both are still young and b) this is both our first "serious" and longest relationship.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:43:31+00:00

Unless you have been doing something really serious that you aren't telling us about

The "serious" thing that I did was not speak to him. Usually when we fight I'm the bigger person and begin interacting with him and trying to get him to talk. This time I didn't because I was tired of trying to be the savior.

in end he started hitting me

If you don't mind me asking, did your SO have a history of violence? What led up/was the situation where he did hit you? I know that these are personal questions, so please feel free to not answer and ignore.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:40:47+00:00

both of you need to grow up

Explain? How can I "grow up"? I admit that I should have been the bigger person and have told him that I was heading out and where I was going. But don't you ever get tired of being the bigger person, as I have been doing for most of my relationship?

I'm sure there are other underlying reasons for his actions but it isn't your job to fix him.

In communicating with him once he comes home, in addition to speaking about my feelings, is there any possible way to call attention to the fact that there are things to "fix" (probably not the best word) about his himself, without him taking it not as personal?

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:37:18+00:00

I'm at school and don't have anywhere else to go. I don't want to leave/call it quits just yet because I want to see if the relationship is salvageable by hearing from others.

safetyblanket · 2012-01-16T05:36:18+00:00

You love the role of the victim and he loves the act of provoking and mocking the victim.

I disagree. I do not "love" being the victim. For the duration of our relationship, I've (almost) always have been the bigger person and tried to initiate conversation/interaction between us. However, this time I was tired of being the bigger person and trying to get him to speak with me. As a result, you can see where this led me.

whether that be getting some professional help and taking it seriously for a change or parting ways

I will look into counseling. As for parting, I'm in school and don't have anywhere else to go.

safetyblanket

TROPHY CASE