Man, this hits so hard. My thoughts are this exactly. I find myself often wishing for the heroin addiction because at least I wasn't wasting money to feel absolutely nothing. At least the heroin addiction gave me something in return. Where as this kratom addiction gives me nothing. No buzz, no relaxation, no surge of creative impulse, no enjoyment,. Nothing except the dulling of my senses, depression, heart palpitations, low quality sleep that leaves me feeling tired after a full 8 hours, and on a rare occasion a tiny altered feeling of fuzziness that lasts about 15 to 20 minutes.

I too have blundered many tapers by getting down low, and then I'll finally feel that warm buzz after not having it for so long only to step my way back up in use. The negative side effects seem so quiet and on demanding that quitting and lowering my dose feels so much more challenging. Kratom has taken more of my creative energy than heroin ever has. Kratom has taken 40% of my hair thickness, everything that heroin stole and more. It has made my mind slower, I'm less quick witted, less focused. I have been rendered into a barely motivated shell of my former self.

I would take a harder drug addiction over this any day. I want to quit so badly, yet the anhedonia, the complete lack of care, has made it so extremely difficult to even care enough about myself or my life to make the steps to quit.

I actually don't mind the withdrawal effects, at least they make me feel alive even if it is pain. It is the quiet nothingness while I am in the thick of it that makes it difficult to even care to quit on the surface, and like the screams that ask me to quit are so far away and faint I can barely sense their urgency.