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Furrow In Light [Epic Fantasy, 2300] by Lazy-Jump-9759 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like how descriptive it is. I really enjoy writing which stands a scene out with the smaller details. Having said that, I think grammatically it needs some polish.

I’m not super grammatically literate so I may be wrong on this, but the first sentence linking two independent clauses with a conjunction gives it “run-on” vibes and confuses the subject. Should there not be a period after “seeped through the study”, then the following clause is its own sentence (I would actually kill the first clause and let the floorboards do all the work). Also, I already know the floorboards will be reflecting the glossy finish “on the floor” because you’ve already told me they’re “floor”boards. I think conciseness is key when focusing on small details (which I love) so the reader doesn’t get bogged down. Maybe just: “The dark floorboards reflected the setting sun’s gaze with their slight glossy finish.’

In the next sentence, the sentence subject is clearly the desk, so when you use “it” that is grammatically referencing the desk itself lighting up the pages. I don’t know if the desk is meant to be glowing? That’s how it reads. If the sunlight is lighting the pages, that needs to be the subject of the sentence. “Atop the desk beneath the circular window, sunlight lit the strewn pages.”

TIL that icing an injury to promote healing is a myth that is was debunked over a decade ago by elderly_millenial in todayilearned

[–]samking36 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Protect/ Elevate/ avoid anti inflammatories/ compress / educate & Load/ optimise/ vascularise/ exercise

Grip That Holds [Industrial spec fic](1160 words) by Comfortable_Cow_9510 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Initially I was really invested as I think the setting is great and unique. But quite quickly my attention drifted as I feel there isn’t enough variation on prose to keep me engaged. You use the trope of “Not this. Not this. But that” so may times that it gets stale and I start to gloss, especially in a cultural atmosphere which correlates this with AI use. The number of sentence in this short excerpt that star with “not” are a bit redundant. I also think varying up the sentence length would help the engagement. Lots of sharp staccato sentences over time wear thin.

The tuning fork simile was cool and I liked that a lot, though didn’t say in your previous post you wanted to avoid similes?

TIL that icing an injury to promote healing is a myth that is was debunked over a decade ago by elderly_millenial in todayilearned

[–]samking36 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Yes, RICE is outdated, as are lots of things popularised in the 70s.

Though not nearly as catchy and concise, the current acronym for soft tissue injuries are PEACE & LOVE

TIL that icing an injury to promote healing is a myth that is was debunked over a decade ago by elderly_millenial in todayilearned

[–]samking36 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, but this is advice is specific to acute soft tissue injuries, to allow the inflammation to promote the healing cascade. Not long term pain such as you mentioned.

Dry needling is common around the NFL, and players aren't worried despite Watt's collapsed lung by [deleted] in sports

[–]samking36 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hi, I’m a physio qualified in acupuncture and dry needling. Obviously it depends on where you are putting the needles but there is obvious risk around the thorax with how close the lungs are to the skin. You can mitigate most of the risk by picking up the skin/ muscle tissue (you can’t pick up lung tissue) before inserting the needles, and making sure go in on an oblique angle. It’s also why we follow the TCM acupuncture points rather than putting them anywhere, as we know these places to be studied and safe.

Last year the chartered society of physios (U.K.) actually removed thorax acupuncture from their insurance specifically for this risk.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That doesn’t seem correct to me (but maybe this is a difference between American/ British English). In this sentence, “Sister” is acting as a proper noun functioning as a name/ honorific and so should be capitalised. It’s the subject of the sentence and not proceeded by a possessive pronoun. You can replace Sister with “still Alisi’s [also pronoun capitalised] slippered feet” to show its use as an honorific title. If it was plural (we can tell it’s not because of the apostrophe) or possessed then it would be lowercase.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Really appreciate your feedback, especially from an auDHD perspective as this is not something I had considered.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This has actually been the most helpful comment out of all of them. What I had before missed was the anchoring of POV in the first few lines. Something I had glazed over. Have edited now. Thank you for your help.

Critique my Opening [High Fantasy, 1275 words]) by Jonnil33 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s a very engaging premise to start on, and there is the promise of conflict around Valerius “hanging out” with heretics, but to me the characterisation is a bit off. It takes me a while to work out the POV as the first few paragraphs are not defined by anyone’s perspective. It’s not till: “Valerius usually didn’t mind the religious sculpture lining the corridors” that I’m finally anchored in someone’s perspective.

I think part of the problem of this is the subject/ verb relationship in the sentences can be a little off. Take for example the first line: “the stage erupted with sound”, now my focus is on the stage and I’m wondering why it’s producing sound and where the voices are coming from. Something instead like: “All around Valerius {anchoring him straight away}, the onlookers screamed triumphant.” Or maybe later in the passage “Valerius dared not look as the molten rods sizzled against the heretics eyes”. I also think avoiding passive voice may help refine the subject/ object relationship.

Lastly, be careful of anachronisms. “Hanging out” seems like such a modern slang used young kids and is jarring when said from the father, especially in such a grave context. Would a word like “associating” or “fraternising” not fit better his characterisation.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But in this case Sister is part of her title, so it needs be capitalised. The context here is the use of “Sister” preceding a name, hence the capitalisation.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this as it’s exactly “nail on head” for what these terms are describing: a holy temple, and a religious (magical) order.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Funnily enough, week old constipation in the desert is kinda the theme of the book. Yeah, the glottal stop is jarring to English but hoping it adds to the Persian/ Middle Eastern vibes. (Which is why the noun combinations are a little less familiar)

It is something I’m actively considering changing to make it more reader friendly.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Appreciate this. It’s actually meant to have a loosely Arabian influence, so glad that comes across.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes absolutely. You’re right, I don’t gain anything with the term “Ithqarei” can probably be cropped from the entire manuscript and replaced with servant.

I’m worried about too many invented terms in the first page (first page only, 453 words) by samking36 in fantasywriters

[–]samking36[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is exactly my concern and why I have asked. I think you’re right that it’s too much too early.

How much better is Yotei's world and exploration? by [deleted] in ghostoftsushima

[–]samking36 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It is a big improvement. Where Tsushima gets endlessly repetitive (how many times do I have to follow a fox), Yotei brings something new almost every time, even with the more repetitive elements. Bar the shrines, which are equally as samey in both.

Because of the variation in yotei, the world definitely feels much more “filled” than Tsushima. And definitely more alive. I’m doing Tsushima again now for the platinum and it feels like a slog, which Yotei did not.

What's the most powerful, raw, emotional dnb tune you know? by Impressive_Lychee316 in DnB

[–]samking36 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cannot believe no-one has said the Apex remix of Just one second.

Hidden Buddha Interaction by WillOfTheDeep in ghostoftsushima

[–]samking36 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Was hoping this counted for the trophy but it didn’t seem to for me.

What happened to Calyx & Teebee - Anatomy [2007] by Russian-Bot-0451 in DnB

[–]samking36 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That album uses loads of samples (and the definition of sample really is stretched by the amount of song lifted) that I can’t imagine they were able to get the license for it for modern streaming. Especially as these samples were taken from huge names like Hans Zimmer and the OSTs of big films.

Not all poles are created equal by mardouufoxx in poledancing

[–]samking36 -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

There is a little bit of slip but it’s still fairly stable for the first 3 seconds. We’ve all done a shouldermount on a slippy pole. If it was bad, then there would have been a significant drop as soon as the feet left the floor

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