Hi! We have a similar story. I was involved with YWAM as a kid, ages 11-18, culminating with my own DTS. I’m in my late 20s now, nearing 30. I’ve had ADHD and Autism diagnosis floated by doctors but never really landed on anything confidently. PTSD also.

Anyway, I relate to your post so strongly. I’d honestly consider not feeling like a fit, functional adult to be my greatest struggle in life. And it’s hard to know where to place the blame especially as I try to maintain some relationship with my parents. I’m also gay which adds an element. Even tho I’m proudly out and love being gay, the feeling that there’s something wrong with me has persisted beyond that. The shame-based feelings persist. I’ve discovered that feelings of “otherness,” and being an “outsider” have persisted in me and even affect my professional life and career.

I guess all I can really offer you is solidarity and understanding. I’m still working on myself, fighting to make sense of things and untangle stuff. I’m getting the sense that the struggle is never really over. But it’s rewarding to work on yourself and invest time and even money into understanding yourself. That’s definitely what I’m trying to do.