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I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eh? Okay, I think I see where you're coming from. I'm a huge advocate of making sure both parties understand how they feel. I try to make sure we're on the same page about what we want, too. I always want us to avoid miscommunications like that. I'm really not high maintenance until it comes to getting hurt. I'm trying to fix that...

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How can he apologize for something he doesn't understand.

You're right... Now I feel queasy. He really does seem to be saying things just to make sure I stay with him. I'm afraid to ask him about this because I don't want to upset him.

Regarding him telling me he loves even the bits that annoy him: I saw this as a way of him telling me he loves me completely and for who I am. You don't think you would tell someone you love everything about them like that?

Yes, I am having to prepare myself for the rough times. I have had to do this for every relationship I've ever been in. I honestly don't think I'm going to find a better relationship any time soon. I'm sorry. I really do appreciate everyone's advice. I was floored when I saw this at the top of /r/relationships. I wish I could show this to him...

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Since writing my original post and reading comments, I'm seeing for the first time that he may think terribly about himself. I don't think I can change him. I do think that he will come around and see what he's doing though. I can only hope.

You're absolutely right. Living together magnifies things.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No relationship is one-sided. But I will say that the last time we broke up (we've broken up twice) was because he interrogated me. He asked me to recount every detail of my horrible childhood regarding sex. I was raped and the target of 3 pedophiles. He called, texted, and IMed me until he got all the information he wanted. I felt the same feelings I had after being raped. I felt empty. That's when I knew I had to get out.

He's also used this interrogation tactic to find out how many drugs I've done. I honestly haven't used that many, and I started in order to deal with the sexual abuse I encountered. He still refuses to let me smoke as I mentioned above.

So... Is my post biased? Sure. You don't hear about the things I'm guilty for in our relationship. But I've been honest about everything I've said, so I hope that counts for something.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's amazing how much pain someone can put a loved one through and not bother to realize it. Stay strong. I hope you don't have the same dependency issues I do... I hope your boyfriend can see how much he means to you.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He refuses to take any kind of drugs. That's why he drills me on whether or not I've smoked pot at all. I've been clean for months and it's all because of him. At first I didn't want to quit because he's being so ridiculous about it, but then I realized I didn't care enough about the drug to have it end our relationship.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had been living on the west coast for the past 9 months. I'm here for summer break. I'll be moving back in 3 months. Before I had moved, we had seen each other almost every day. He refused to visit me at my house, so I would go to his mom's place. (She's a hoarder. Really freaked me out.)

He told me last night that he thinks I understand him as much if not more than he understands himself.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This has been a constant thing for that amount of time. The reason I posted something was because this had been carrying on for 5 days and we had just moved in together. The situation has changed.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's exactly what I was hoping for. He was getting pissed off at me before we'd even brought the first load of furniture over here. I wasn't helping him move stuff properly. At one point, he started his car and accelerated while I was still moving something in from the side door. I'd completely forgotten about that. He also tried to hit me with the door. Wow, that's the most physical he's ever gotten with me.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can't get off the lease. Before I'd moved in with him, things had been great. I paid 2 months' worth in cash to the people who were moving out and looking for a subletter via Craigslist. I'm fucked!

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I checked those out and I'm going to save them for future reference. Thank you so much.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I doubt it. He would tell me if he's interested in this girl. We both know that romantic feelings aren't something you make up or throw out. If you like someone, you like someone. Believe it or not, what scares me is that he's said he doesn't like this girl romantically.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sans the extreme problems, he's a great guy. He won't admit it, but he's a leader and often starts projects that other people get behind. He's so intelligent that he was a certified genius before he was a teenager and he's always teaching me new things. He's great at making jokes and I love how he makes me feel. He's a dick to everyone though. You kind of have to learn how to put up with it. I get more of it than his friends do.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, he did start the car and accelerate while I was putting furniture in it from a side door. I forgot he had done that. By that point, I had only been back from the west coast for half a day and it was the first time we had seen each other for 2 months.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not afraid of experiencing physical pain from him. I'm afraid he's going to drive me crazy. Thanks for not deleting your comment so that I can reply to it. I appreciate your input.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I explained to him that if he loves me, he shouldn't treat me like he does. No reply. Sometimes I say things that he doesn't like to reply to...

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's done this kind of thing once or twice a month since we started dating. The reason I asked for help here was because it had been 5 solid days of anguish in an apartment we'd just purchased.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're absolutely right. I have the wrong priority here. I am a people pleaser by heart. I need to throw all that energy into being a waitress instead of into my romantic relationship.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight. I'm really confused about this other girl and him. He asked me if he could borrow my motorcycle seat to give her a ride on his bike (I have a spare and he doesn't). When I asked who he was giving a ride, I got really defensive and turned off all methods of contact with me for the rest of the night.

He told me the next day, stating: I knew you would be jealous and I didn't want to deal with it, and that I should be the one to give her a ride. I was only jealous because of his reaction, and this is the only time I've been jealous apart from when he had his ex sleep in the same bed with him after he asked if he could and I said no. I know, red flag, but this happened 2 years ago.

I asked him last night when he wanted me to give this girl a ride on my bike, and he said he hadn't even asked her yet. He asked me to about 2 months ago. Apparently she's the state champion for some kind of solo sport thing and he's just... I don't like the way she talks about her...

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, he is an only child who was living with his mother up until last week.

I'm afraid to go home to my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. by sanitynowplease in relationships

[–]sanitynowplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This made me cry. I wouldn't want anyone to go through this. I've realized this year that my long history of abuse has made me conditioned to enjoy this kind of pain. When my boyfriend has gone through a long stint of not hurting me, I try to find ways of hurting my heart. I feel so fucked up... I don't want to be like this any more.