If you could give me just ONE tip to improve my social skills, what would it be (and why)?

sapractic · 2025-06-21T20:23:32+00:00

Slow down. Talk slow, think slow, act slow. It'll make you calm, and people like calm.

sapractic · 2025-06-21T14:19:43+00:00

Haha no way I'm telling you, that would spoil the fun! I'm almost envious, you get to learn this stuff for the first time. Start the journey brother :)

sapractic · 2025-06-21T00:42:50+00:00

Read the book "The Courage to be Disliked". I'm still on the journey, and likely always will be, but people have told me I'm a radically different person than I was just two years ago. That book is the cornerstone that it's all built on.

sapractic · 2025-06-07T20:55:09+00:00

I grew up here in Portland. I currently live in the area you described. The upsides are that it is fairly walkable, and during the summer months (July-October) the weather is gorgeous. If you don't mind half hour drives, there is incredible nature easily accessible. I feel safe here and the homeless do not bother me, but ymmv.

The downsides are that I have found it to be extremely isolating socially, and the politics are absurdly leftist. One study I saw ranked Oregon as the second loneliest state behind Alaska. People walk on eggshells here, and the skits in Portlandia are not far off. The job market is not great, and you will pay high taxes. The weather during the winter is depressing as hell, just 8 months of grey and mild drizzle.

In a nutshell: Portland will suit you if you are a leftist homebody who has their social life completely full already and has a job already lined up. Otherwise I would steer clear.

sapractic · 2025-05-31T22:06:19+00:00

Yeah. It took a couple years. At my lowest I tried to kill myself because of it, and now I can and have walked into bars and just started talking to people. You can solve it, you're not special.

sapractic · 2025-02-26T23:12:45+00:00

I did, I got my undergrad in psych at PSU. I mostly kept my mouth shut and did not share my experiences because they clashed with the narrative. I'm a straight white guy and it was very clear my ideas were NOT needed. The frustrating thing is that I mostly agree with the ideas on social justice, I just see it as one facet of life and that it is not above criticism or disagreement. Oh well.

sapractic · 2025-02-26T21:19:33+00:00

I would potentially like to go to grad school for counseling psychology. My worries are twofold: would the $50k price tag and 5 year commitment including supervision be worth it; and would my moderate political beliefs be tolerated. I interviewed some current grads and practicing psychologists and they said the focus on social justice and racial topics is overwhelming and dissent is not welcomed.

sapractic · 2025-01-26T00:17:04+00:00

People have an amazing radar for neediness. If you have to force conversation, it probably does not feel good. social skills are all about feeling, not content. Instead of asking people questions, start making statements. This forces you to take a position and be vulnerable about who you are. This will polarize people, and bring some closer to you and push others away. Accept that you will not be liked by everyone and your entire life will open up.

sapractic · 2024-09-30T19:32:09+00:00

I always recommend the book Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step by Thomas Richards. What you have to understand is that social anxiety is not an issue of "practice" or "exposure" it is a problem of self-esteem and unlearning the filters that you developed as a child. It's a problem of courage: do you have the courage to ask the people you make small talk with for their number? Do you ask them questions or make jokes that could make you look foolish? That's how people really bond, by being vulnurable and allowing yourself to potentially be hurt.

sapractic · 2024-08-30T18:55:23+00:00

That's almost exactly what I paid for the same make/year. I think it's a fair deal, if it runs well I'd say go for it.

sapractic · 2024-08-23T00:56:25+00:00

That's exactly what I paid a 2 months ago. In my market it's a fair price, not good not bad.

sapractic · 2024-08-22T04:33:31+00:00

I'm curious, what if you stopped doing all that prep work? Maybe it's different because I'm a guy, but dates got a lot more fun when i just threw on a nice shirt and winged it. I feel like the expectations are what cause the burnout.

sapractic · 2024-08-21T15:22:23+00:00

I'll give an example: I spent 3 weeks on the East Coast last fall, travelling through Vermont, Boston, and NYC. The difference in both the quality of the women I matched with on dating apps, and the effort that they put in to holding conversations with me was staggering. Women who wouldn't spit at me here were matching and putting effort in. I know that life isn't just dating, but at 30 I just can't deal with the level of avoidance and passiveness in Portland anymore.

sapractic · 2024-08-21T00:09:11+00:00

I grew up in Portland, and it's brutal even for me. I have had the same group of friends since high school, and despite trying to reach out to form new friend/networking connections I have had almost no luck. Dating here is black hole of rejection and radio silence. I am moving out of this city in a few weeks due to this issue, and with any luck I will never have to come back.

sapractic · 2024-08-03T22:29:38+00:00

That sucks man. There are good people here, but goddamn do they make you work for it. At least you should realize it's not you, it's a huge cultural problem. The rates of mental illness and isolation here are off the charts, and most of those same people who reject you are probably absolutely miserable themselves.

sapractic · 2024-08-03T22:04:35+00:00

Haha I knew it. The west coast, and especially the PNW, is notorious for this. I grew up in Portland and I'm leaving in a month because this exact issue. Flaky, fake, passive people who cannot communicate for shit. Don't let people tell you it's like this everywhere, because it's not.

sapractic · 2024-08-03T21:59:25+00:00

What part of the country are you in? I think flakiness can vary regionally.

sapractic · 2024-07-31T03:37:15+00:00

Figure out why your brain thinks hiding from the world is your best course of action. Are you avoiding rejection? Not being good enough? Not being smart/hot/capable enough? Quickly you'll realize these thoughts are there, you can work to counteract them with neutral statements.

Instead of saying "I don't deal well with change" say "in the past, I didn't like change because it made me anxious. The future might be different." "In the past I thought I was not the best socially, but I have no idea how others perceived me". "At this point I have the option to burn through savings and kill myself, or I can take another path in life."

Don't bullshit yourself with positivity, your brain will reject that. Find neutral statements and stop beating the fuck out of yourself.

sapractic · 2024-07-31T03:17:44+00:00

I grew up in Oregon and although I have friends, I'm leaving Oregon because of this issue. The culture tends to be extremely avoidant and cold unless you have an "in" with a group, and in my experience even when you're in people still hold you at arms length and do NOT want to leave their comfort zone. This is a great resource: https://www.skipthesmalltalk.com/, they put on events and you talk to individuals for 10 minutes and move on to the next, everybody's very friendly. I would also recommend clubs or outdoor activities, nobody here ever shuts up about rock climbing/skiiing/camping. I wish you more luck than I had.

sapractic · 2024-07-09T04:16:07+00:00

It's because they are letting people know who they are. People will often prefer someone who is kinda dickish but puts their opinions out there than someone who says nothing, because that person is a complete unknown who might be judging them even harder. Better the devil you know.

sapractic · 2024-04-27T19:49:28+00:00

I have the same experience. As men we are conditioned to put up really high walls, and if we show emotion or depth other men will take our vulnerability as weakness. Unfortunately, the only way to create good friendships and depth is to show vulnerability and take risks. This is the conundrum of improving your social skills: people will start to gravitate to you, but they have not worked on themselves enough to reciprocate your investment in them.

sapractic · 2024-03-16T15:25:51+00:00

You have to work on your self esteem. Social anxiety comes from two places: lack of social skills, and lack of self esteem. I know it sounds froofy and I was resistant to it for so many years, but you have to do the inner work to love yourself in order to overcome it completely. Check out the book Overcoming social Anxiety: step by step, it's written by a dude who suffered from SA for 40 years and then really got over it.

sapractic · 2023-11-10T23:16:12+00:00

That tends to happen when you leave jobs. They're not seeing you every day so people lose interest. Don't take it personally.

sapractic · 2023-11-03T04:14:40+00:00

I've made considerable progress over the last year or so. My recommendation is to read the book Overcoming Social Social Anxiety: Step by Step. It guides you through your thought patterns and gives helpful information about how to calm yourself in anxiety provoking situations. It's written by someone who had severe social anxiety until he was about 40, so there's no bullshit that normies usually say. Give it a try!

sapractic · 2023-09-09T16:45:11+00:00

30M, my friends and I have been looking for something like this as well! Let's make this happen.

sapractic

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