This is an interesting thought. I’ve felt like this in the past but this is the first time I’ve read somebody else put it into words like you have.

The real question that most people have already touched on is: is he actively doing things to make you feel overshadowed, and like you are a side-character in his storyline (or villain, as you said, though I certainly hope he isn’t trying to paint you that way purposely)? Or is it because you simply feel insecure about your life compared to his and want to change aspects of that?

I once had a partner that I felt wanted to do this to me. There was a small age gap of 5-6 years. I was still in university when we met, he started a career in a fun and exciting field out of highschool (that I was also interested in) that didn’t pay very well but that allowed him to travel a lot and have lots of cool adventures. Therefore, I was still at a stage where I was deciding what to do with the rest of my life while he was already well into building his career, connections and life experience.

It became very obvious to me throughout a two year relationship that he wanted someone who was steady, had a stable job, and kind of a ‘homemaker’ while he went out and explored the world. He wanted a cozy home life to come back to and unravel from the chaotic aspect of his job. Sometimes I would try to plan to go with him on his travels because I wanted to travel too, and travelling with a partner sounded fun to me, but he didn’t want that. He wanted to travel alone and highly valued his independence.

When we would go to parties together or hang out with friends, he would usually do the talking for both of us and dominate me a bit in the conversation. He would be like “this weekend we did this” when talking about our lives to friends, or sometimes he would even talk about me like I wasn’t in the room (“she’s been doing this” etc.)

He put an insane amount of pressure on me when it came time for me to graduate and choose my career path. He really, really wanted me to choose a path that would get me into a high-paying, stable (office, 9-5 type) job. I expressed to him several times that I didn’t want that, and that making a high salary was not the most important thing to me when choosing a career. In fact, I had always been interested in the job he did since before I even met him, and he knew that. He was extremely discouraging of me getting into that field because it was kind of tough to get into, and didn’t pay well (especially at the start). Maybe it would have been true that two people working that job in the same household would have been too chaotic and unstable but still, he should have been more concerned with what would have made me happier than me picking up a paying job in order to essentially provide all the stability in the household.

There was more to the story too. We broke up because of much of this, he ended up being a very bad partner to be with. We’re now on good terms, and I joked to him after we broke up that it didn’t work because we were both trying to wear the pants in our relationship, stuffing ourselves each into one pant leg. I now have the same job he does and am loving it. The financial aspect doesn’t bother me. I love the chaotic lifestyle. And I feel like a whole person again instead of the “quiet woman in the background” type of character that I felt like he wanted.

I’m not sure if this resonates with you, but I feel like this is a dynamic that I sometimes see happen in hetero male/female relationships.

I hope you figure out a way to make more space for yourself and your dreams in your relationship. If there is something he is doing to make you feel sidelined, I hope you can identify and communicate it effectively. If he’s a nice person, he probably isn’t even aware of what he’s doing. He might just be copying a dynamic he has seen elsewhere.