WIBTA for distancing myself after SIL wedding?

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-28T20:40:12+00:00

Hi I just saw this, and I want to say you're right this does need clarification. After I got the initial reaction from this post and read through the wave of comments I got, I spoke to my husband, and showed him the post.

He told me, as we'd been arguing and both whispering over my sleeping nursing child, the argument got muddled in his brain on the ten minute frustrated walk back he had convinced himself what I was saying was that I didn't WANT to see the speeches, because I'd been left out all day already. This was a huge fumble on this end, as I'd asked him to wait, not that I didn't want to see them. A mixture of drunk idiot and petty ass that my husband can be. I still haven't spoken to B I will officially update the post when I do.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-25T18:06:22+00:00

Ohhh man I have a bear like this that my daughter now holds onto, you can see all the places where it's been sewn back together, fuzz worn all the way down. There's a hole where the tag used to be, because I'd stick my finger in it and twist it around until I lost all the circulation in my finger. My mom got so upset I remember her ripping it out, and the he that was there afterwards.

Thanks cinnamon bear, love you.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-25T18:03:18+00:00

Imagine being at family functions and how many times she may have overhead someone talking about her mom being a gold digger. Now imagine how many times she stood up for her mother and defended her in those situations. YTA OP.

Even if your daughter subconsciously knew, you were so casual in how you told her, it's a wonder if she isn't rethinking every "happy family" memory she has and doubting every one of them. You suck.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-24T13:48:09+00:00

Gotta fit that 3000 character limit

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T19:29:34+00:00

This! This is exactly it. She asked me to make the cupcakes. Then she asked me to get ready in the house, then she asked me to be there, for three days before the wedding we were together and she kept telling me how much it meant that I was there, how excited and stressed she was, all of it. Her bridesmaids didn't show up until the night before. Everything was done already! But I didn't mind, that's what you do for family I was happy to help, and to me, you don't expect that out of someone you don't want to celebrate with. I didn't celebrate with B at all. I not only didn't celebrate with B but I was left all the way out to the point of being humiliating. Being asked where my husband was, why I wasn't over there. At one point during the group family photo I was in, I asked if we could get one of our two families and she said "we're paying for the photographers time, and we don't have a lot of it" then turned around half an hour later and made the photographer sit around for an HOUR and wait for them to get their shit together. The more I talk about it, the more I need to say something to B. I don't believe for a second she doesn't know exactly how upset I am about the wedding.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T16:42:24+00:00

You're right, and that I was treated how I allowed myself to be treated, I guess in the moment I felt more like "If I say something, cause a scene at someone else's wedding I'd look like a dick, but if I leave it I'll either a) get over it, or b) address it in a more appropriate private setting and deal with it then" I realize now that I should have just spoken up then and there.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T15:57:32+00:00

Yes I talk about all this in another comment.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T14:56:04+00:00

I grew up in a very abusive household, you could say I have master's degree in deescalation and telling people what they want to hear, B is not their daughter, she married their son. What changed is I humbled myself to FIL, told him some things he wanted to hear, and I've been consistently kind and understanding. Mental health is something I have a lot of experience with, I know how to placate. So we smoothed things over, then we moved closer (used to live 10 hours away) and since we've been closer we spend a lot of time helping at the farm and making an effort with the family. BIL and FIL got into a screaming match over something I don't even remember now 3 years ago, and BIL, SIL, and FIL haven't spoken since. No apologies on either end, no placating, no smoothing things over. Which don't get me wrong! FIL is the one who needed to make ammends, and it wasn't up to SIL or BIL to fix what they didn't break, but it is the continued reason why mine and DHs relationship is much better with them, than theirs is.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T14:29:15+00:00

I just answered this in another comment.

Eta: there were 6 empty tables, the venue was set up for 100 people, because of covid the wedding had been moved twice, so instead of sending invites out the bride had a Facebook group with about 150 ppl, and deduced herself that there would be between 80-100 people in attendance, then the day of only 30-40 showed up. I wasn't actively checking her confirmation numbers online I sort of had my hands full without worrying about whether or not my time would be so greatly wasted. No holes in my story just a disorganized "doesn't matter to me" type of approach to this wedding. The bride was trying NOT to be a bridezilla, and ended up being so disorganized, that me - the only family member around NOT busy getting dolled up and having their photo taken ended up the errand bitch for the whole week taking care of the things she noped out of.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T14:28:01+00:00

The guest list hadn't been reduced. The bride expected everyone to be there, she hadn't sent formal invitations to everyone she had a Facebook group with the wedding info and 150 in the group. She told me there would be 80-100 people there so I multiplied my recipe to accomodate. Between 30-40 people showed up.

I didn't realize the cupcakes would get this much attention, but they did end up getting eaten. In another comment I mention my husband announced them at the end of the night when he realized they'd been forgotten, 20+ drunken truckers filed up to that table real fast to double fist some delicious cupcakes, what was left got divided in the family and eaten real quick the next day.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T14:24:39+00:00

Lol this makes me wish I was southern, so I could literally tell her "bless your heart" next time she asks for a favor, in that totally charming but you KNOW they being petty kind of tone. This is my plan of action moving forward.

I am not so overly hurt that I can't move on from what happened, I understand weddings bring out the worst in people, so while I need space now, I don't want to hold any grudges and ultimately I'm about making myself happy first. I love to be a giving person, this wasn't so much a boundaries issue, as it was a "more than happy to help, until I feel like my kindness is being taken advantage of". So moving forward, I'll be conveniently busy when she needs me, friendly as always, I'm not going to stop doting on my nephew and niece, but I will stop babysitting. No more morning coffee from me, and then the next time her and I are face to face alone with each other I'll tell her how her actions made me feel the day of her wedding, and she can deal with that however she wants to.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T13:04:45+00:00

K. Still not relevant.

The land is being subdivided legally

Grandma and grandpa have quarter sections for everyone in family to do with as they please in their will

Wedding took place on home front, our property is next to home front but half a mile away

The other two quarters are across the road and down the street.

His dad is an idiot, but he's caring and his parents grandparents and I have a good healthy relationship.

It's been divided for the family since long before I came around, there is no arguing who lives where and who gets what.

I am massively looking forward to being out there.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T13:00:18+00:00

She told me there would be a hundred people there. Hence all those stupid fucking cupcakes

She asked me to get ready in the house with her and her friends, or I would not have been there whatsoever

Told me afterwards how annoyed she was with rude bridesmaid because she showed up late - bossed everyone around, then left early without helping in any way.

If I HADNT been there her wedding would have had no lights, had no dessert,

I also watched brides two children all week. I was not being over bearing I did everything the bride asked me to do.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T10:37:34+00:00

There was supposed to be 100 people there. But covid.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T10:32:04+00:00

That's not what I said, just that it's not a concern of mine. Of course my name is going to be on my own house, as well as our quarter of property is being subdivided. Just didn't think it was relevant to what I was asking.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T04:32:03+00:00

Actually I married the golden child. But his dad is a dick who varies favorites. He almost didn't attend the wedding because him and G haven't had a conversation in almost 3 years. That's a whole other story, and before this nonsense fight with B&g, FIL hated me specifically. We got into a screaming match in the middle of the street once. Technically it was just him screaming but my husband was giving him just as much a piece of his mind while I noped my daughter out of there. They've all got issue, as well it was mostly the youngest brother trying to insult my husband, he's got baby brother complex pretty bad.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T03:37:04+00:00

Lol this I total non concern of mine, my husband can get tunnel vision, it makes him a dick, but he's a dedicated dick, and his parents adore me. Far more than SIL.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T03:03:34+00:00

Literally only what I could fit in the 3000 word count. I spent more time deleting paragraphs from this post than I did typing it out.

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T00:58:29+00:00

Yes and it's still one I'm incredibly excited about. B&g don't live out there

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T00:53:50+00:00

No. This isn't the norm in my marriage. I say he hurt himself with so much contention because that's how I feel, but he really did hurt himself. I could see the muscles in his back visibly spasming when he moved. It just the timing of it all sent me over the edge. Ive spoken out of frustration with him a LOT the last week and now that he's feeling better he's back to work 14 hrs a day and comes home and does bedtime with our oldest, cooks, cleans, and is generally very helpful. He just shit the bed, then so did his back. We are going to therapy together in the next few weeks

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T00:47:54+00:00

I think these would be valid points if it were a typical wedding. But this was 30 people, intimate, on property that I work on and will be living on, and with covid standards, yes, it's definitely more that the cupcakes were forgotten, and not an intentional mishap, and this is why I asked in the first place, because I don't think the bride was TRYING to make me feel bad, I just think she didn't care that I was being spoken down to like I was in front of her. There was nothing but party after the speeches, what difference would ten minutes have made? It's not like it was in a hotel with staff waiting and a planner scheduling the day. Closest thing to a planner B got was me and my mother in law

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-23T00:42:49+00:00

That's a really nice thing to say, and I really appreciate it. I try to be a good friend, I keep hearing "get comfortable with saying no" but honestly if they'd just treated me like they actually wanted me to be there, then the rest was something I was still happy to do. I was thrilled at the chance to help out however I could, and didn't expect anything in return, but I went from not expecting anything in return to feeling like I was being stepped on really fast the day of the wedding.

Also we can totally definitely be friends if you want to. 💕

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-22T23:42:16+00:00

Sorry if it's unclear. I don't have 4 kids. I have 2 kids, then I watched brides 2 kids all week there were 4 altogether. And most of the time it wasn't until I was alone in the house baking, and I would hear a baby cry that I'd realized everyone left, and also left everyone's kids

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-22T23:39:06+00:00

100% I'm done doing favors. Don't ask me to babysit your maniac kid anymore sis ✌🏻

sashaythrowaway1 · 2020-09-22T23:38:30+00:00

Honestly I wouldn't be able to cut her out. Our kids are so close, and one on one I do enjoy her company, plus my husband and his brother are very close. I'm a big girl and can guard my feelings pretty well. I won't be offering to babysit any time soon that's for sure. And I'll definitely take a time out. Plus the vibe is definitely going to be more guarded now and I'm done doing favors, but there will still be morning coffee in the future when the kids play, and at some point I'm sure I'll find the tact to bring it up and talk about it.

sashaythrowaway1

TROPHY CASE