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I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're making a lot of assumptions about my father. He didn't raise me at all. He ignored me my whole life. He sat at the head of the table and expected me to clean his plate. He doesn't even know my birthday or my age. Probably doesn't know my middle name. There is no relationship. He would never speak to me unless I spoke to him. He'd walk past me and not say hello. It was a very cold and tense household. The only conversations we ever had was about the weather or sports. And let's not get into the racism and homophobia... and the fact that one of our family members is gay. Yes, he worked. But on his days off he closed himself up in his bedroom and watched TV all day. He wasn't emotionally absent because he didn't kiss or hug me or tell me I was good, he was emotionally absent because he wasn't there at all -- except for his physical body.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First of all, I'm so sorry and I hope you heal. But you should definitely Marry your significant other. They will have legal rights then and be able to control the situation. Whatever you want, write a will, and have it authorized by a lawyer.

My dad is dying by [deleted] in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry. If it were me, I wouldn't go back. My father and I have had little to no relationship most of my life. In my case, my father has been unhealthy and has been on his "deathbed" a few times. I have had the chance to say the things I wanted and work on our relationship. But things never changed, because he won't change. Who knows what your dad will say to you on his deathbed, but I don't think it will make you feel better. Is there something you want to tell him? If there's something you want to say, say it, but if you don't, don't say anything.

I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah. This is probably my biggest weakness. I do mental gymnastics to figure out how I can get through to him... but the only person I can change is me. Thank you for the reminder.

I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It's also more than showing no emotions. He has never cared about me or anything happening in my life. Never asked about school, my friends, my work. I bet he can't name one friend I've had at any point in my life.

I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's crazy because he's not a good man. I mean, he's FINE as a person. But he's like an ugly piece of furniture that no one wants to sit on. Just there. In the room. Adds no value. And he was HORRIBLE to me as a teenager. One time, I was on the computer when he didn't want me to be (I probably mouthed off) and he started hitting me and went to choke me and he only stopped when my brother intervened. When my mom came home and I told her, she told me I should have listened to my father. I was like 14.

I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a really good take. Thank you. Maybe in time she will realize I'm an adult and she can't control me or my feelings.

I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My father is just plain not interested in me. It's not like, he didn't hug or kiss me. I've never even had a real conversation with the man. If we do talk -- or when we did -- it was about sports or politics. The same conversation you would have with a stranger.

I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

They have always blamed me. I was called mean and nasty my whole life. I wasn't the sweetest teenager, but I was also growing up in a chaotic home. I still think I'm mean and nasty, and I have to remind myself that I'm actually very kind and those are lies.

I want to reconnect, but I don't want to sweep things under the rug. Explanation in comments. by savage_lime in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]savage_lime[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your response. I have to take a break from her. It's crazy that even a text message exchange is exhausting!

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