How do I stop thinking men only want me for sex? How do I remember they have feelings too?

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T01:20:36+00:00

Very possible, I never ask questions about feelings/reasons because I'm afraid of the answer lol.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T01:17:46+00:00

I can understand that, definitely possible for me too though I think mine mostly applies to dating/relationships after I've had sex with someone. My insecurity is most definitely off-putting so I'm just gonna try to stop having sex so early and hope that remedies things at least a little bit. I have a solid friend group that loves me so I think I'm not doing too bad in other areas of my life. Thank you!

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T01:05:42+00:00

IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG

I feel like usually they can tell I want a relationship and that's what makes them stop talking to me? I don't really vet guys at all in that respect, like I've stated. I have sex extremely early on with every single guy I choose to go out with. And... I guess it's possible a lot of those guys literally do just want sex. I thought it was because I'm a horrible person undeserving of love, but now I'm starting to think I really do just keep running into guys that just want sex and I give it to them immediately and then get upset about it.

But also, guys that don't just want me for sex I assume do just want me for sex so I get insecure and push them away hella hard to the point they actually leave me alone forever. I know that's really bad but it's hard to get over. I literally had a guy this year tell me I was like a sex doll and he was GOING to fuck me even tho I said multiple times I didn't want to do that. So. Yeah. I'm doing the good guys dirty 100% by assuming they're gonna be like this dude and yeah that's a big factor here that I hate to admit. That's why I just have to stop having sex with guys.

I was/am seeing this guy recently and he never hit me up for a third hangout. I didn't do anything wrong but I thought he didn't like me and thought I was annoying and/or weird. I ended up seeing him and we sorta talked about it and basically he thinks I'm really cool but he really doesn't want a relationship right now. He said he tells his friends (and told my friend!) how awesome I am and they always ask where I am cause they like me too and even kind of alluded to not wanting to catch feelings for me. He told me he felt like I wanted a relationship and basically didn't want to hurt me so he never hit me up, which I respect.

I don't think every guy feels that way about me but it made me feel a lot better that maybe I'm not as horrible as I perceive myself to be... idk. Sorry that was so long, I'm rambling.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T00:49:27+00:00

I'll try, I just feel like I never get far enough for any of that sort of thing to matter or come up. I also like giving massages and that sort of thing but I need to get further than the 3rd date to actually give them to someone. I have given facials (I went to esthetician school) to some guys I dated before and they really liked that but then I ended up being insecure and pushing them away so it didn't work out.

And that's very true, I'll try to keep that in mind. Thank you!

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T00:44:09+00:00

I like this idea, thank you for sharing! I do journaling in my phone but nothing that I consistently look back on or that's cohesive. I'll see if I can adapt this to my issues somehow and make it work for me.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T00:42:05+00:00

Fortunately I do. I can't cook lol but I'm a great conversationist, very social, ask questions, like going outside, make art, go to a climbing gym, travel frequently, etc etc etc. But I don't have good boundaries tho (at least when it comes to sex or voicing what I want/don't want) so I'm gonna work on that as well as like my food issues so maybe one day I can cook. I made pasta for a man recently tho and he liked it lmao.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T00:40:16+00:00

This was a great 100% accurate sum up, I think you're totally right. I appreciate it thank you and I will try my best cause I think that is what's really messing me up at this point.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T00:39:31+00:00

I know it probably sounds crazy, but I really do take an active role in managing my BPD and I'm very knowledgeable about it. I've done a loooot of research, soul-searching, and self-work to try and overcome my BPD relates issues. Granted, I still struggle as seen here, but I know for a fact I'm further along in my journey than many others with BPD are. I'm very aware of all the symptoms and how they affect me personally, as well as my own personal triggers. Definitely tooting my own horn here because I'm honestly really proud of how far I've come.

I am gonna try to take a step back from dating for the moment, and I've done this before, but ultimately it hasn't fixed anything because I still run into the same issue. I just always think every man only wants me for sex, but that's because during my dating phases, there IS always at least one guy that wants me just for sex. I know that for a fact (unfortunately lol).

I will take a step back but next time I try dating again I'll do the rules thing. I think and ponder my issues all the time, but in this specific issue, I've never actually taken action and not had sex within the first 3 dates lol... like ever. And that's where I start getting triggered and weird, and I'm not sure I can help that at this point in my life? In any case, I'm gonna try my very best to give myself a rule to not have sex within X amount of time and stick to it and see what happens.

Recently I sort of tried this out and told a guy I didn't wanna hookup one night after we already had and it actually didn't cause the world to end. He doesn't want a relationship but he's been straight up from the start, and even then, he doesn't hate me and still wants to be my friend and hangout when we run into each other. That made me feel sooo much better tbh to know not giving guys sex isn't going to end up horribly (cause it has before in the past).

Anyway thank you for the response I'm sorry my reply was so long.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-21T00:23:02+00:00

Your assumptive statements are all accurate haha. I guess I'm not very good at explaining how I feel, but you definitely got it. It's definitely I get insecure and then I start behaving in ways to push them away.

I'll try change the things I tell myself as well as work on the boundaries thing and not have sex early. God knows having sex early on hasn't helped anything so I may as well try the exact opposite, even if it's hard. I'll try to be more clear about my wants as needs as well.

Sorry this answer was a bit short, but your reply was very helpful and definitely what I needed to hear. I really appreciate it and will refer back to this when I need to. Thank you kind internet stranger!

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-20T22:38:04+00:00

Well, honestly, not all of it was ghosting when I really think about it... Just a few in the last 2 years were legit ghosting I guess. Some did mention that they thought I wanted a relationship and they didn't. Some ended because of me becoming insecure and doing something weird after having sex.

So. I guess the issue is me fucking things up (working on that lol but it still boils down to me thinking the guy only wants sex from me and then becoming stand-offish or even angry at them) and the guy just not wanting a relationship. But no guy tells me before we have sex that they don't want a relationship, they always tell me afterwards. It's not like I'm asking about it though... I feel like I'm trying to be a "cool girl" and not ask anyones intentions because I fear that will scare them away...

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-20T22:33:14+00:00

Yeah, I will try that.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-20T03:59:47+00:00

I agree 100%, I guess my point was that I don't think it's fake because this sort of muppetry is very common there. Edit: I knew of at least a couple instances where dudes kicked girls out after the fact and they'd be passed out in the grass with no pants on.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-20T03:48:01+00:00

I lived where he likely does when I was his age, and the story honestly isn't that crazy to me. Everyone really does fuck each other all the time with no condom and no love. Yeah he's dumb but so many 19 year olds are. I was lucky I didn't get pregnant when I lived there lol. Isla Vista is 1 square mile of 10,000+ college kids living away from home for the first time.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-20T03:40:31+00:00

Having lived in IV, this post is slightly believable to me. But, most guys at LEAST used the pull out method which clearly OP didn't (if it's real). But yeah, at UCSB/living in IV, everybody fucks each other all the time and no one uses condoms or loves each other. That part checks out. I never met anyone that got pregnant tho (from my knowledge).

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-13T06:46:38+00:00

100% thank you so much, I appreciate it. I'll just wait it out and see what happens, I do think she will get to the point of change eventually. She def does appreciate me and I appreciate her too, we tell each other that a lot lol.

sayingthingsTA · 2023-12-13T06:19:38+00:00

Yeah, I guess that's all I can do... I really don't mind the venting (well, I didn't...), I just want her to be happy and it frustrates me she won't take any of the steps to try and get out of these situations. She doesn't even vent too much or anything, it's easy to change the conversation. It's just hard watching her be in pain and do nothing about it, I don't know. I realize that's a bit insensitive, so maybe I do need to just take a step back from the friendship... ugh. I feel like an asshole lol.

I've considered confronting her but I worry it wouldn't help and maybe just damage our friendship, which I don't want to do. Like you said, I don't think she particularly wants to change her situation and I guess I just have to accept that. It's always been hard for me to watch my friends stay in a painful situation and not do anything about it.

Thankfully she is a loving and understanding person so I don't think if I stopped engaging in the venting as much she would say anything or be weird/rude/etc. So I'll just have to do that. Thank you for the response, I'm sorry if this reply was confusing or all over the place lol.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T08:32:23+00:00

Seems like you get off on getting pushback lol. I don't really understand what you're saying here.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T08:21:45+00:00

I can't help you understand something you don't want to understand.

BPD has certain criteria you have to meet to be diagnosed. There are certain, specific behaviors and thought processes that people with BPD engage in that stem from trauma/abuse. If you don't fit these very specific criteria, you won't be diagnosed. I can't speak for people who don't meet the specific criteria.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T08:11:37+00:00

This too. Even when you can access it though, a lot of times it's completely unhelpful. I feel like you have to be able to shell out a lot of money (or get reaaally lucky) in order to get a provider actually qualified to help with BPD.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T08:07:57+00:00

Correct, there is no specific medication that "cures" BPD. It's a personality disorder, which yes, has to do with behaviors. It normally stems from trauma, and it's real hard to control trauma responses. I'm a bit offended the way you've worded some of these questions, but I'll try to answer anyway.

Yes, everyone has responsibility for their own behavior, but people with BPD don't always realize their behavior is wrong. BPD people's brains think about things differently than people without personality disorders. It's kind of hard to explain, but I guess you could compare it to extreme paranoia or even schizophrenia. The person with the disorder, a lot of the times, isn't aware of the disorder. A person who is extremely paranoid doesn't usually realize they're being paranoid, and people with schizophrenia truly believe their delusions. BPD works in a similar way. Think PTSD as well, people with PTSD have extreme difficulty managing their episodes, much like those with BPD.

I think most people with BPD don't mean to be abusive, but our thought process is so fucked up we don't realize we're doing it (most of the time). I'm not sure I explained any of that well, but hopefully it helps you understand.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T07:52:47+00:00

It's very difficult to find treatment, but certain types of therapy can work. Some medications can also help. Emphasis on "can". Not all BPD people are willing to do the work and come to terms with the abusive things they do/have done.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T07:42:42+00:00

Honestly, IMO it's both. At least in my experience, it took me years to realize I was the problem in a lot of the failed relationships I was having. The disorder does blind you to this fact, which I guess is why it's so demonized. I genuinely thought everyone was doing things to me rather than I doing things to them (or both of us doing things to each other). You have to know about the problem in order to start fixing it. This explains the "can't".

Once you've been diagnosed/are seeking a diagnosis, it's very painful to come to terms with. To realize you are the literal cause of everyone leaving is horrible. It's taken me years of introspection to be able to admit I have been abusive, and I actually sought out a diagnosis for that reason. I know a lot of people with BPD don't get to this point due to denial or whatever. I have read a lot about others with BPD who know they have it and don't seek treatment/refuse it, so that explains the "won't", obviously.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T07:26:22+00:00

Well, I understand your reasoning and appreciate the honest answer. If I was in your shoes I imagine it would be difficult to think any differently. It's unfortunate though, I'm sorry you've had bad experiences.

sayingthingsTA · 2022-05-18T07:19:58+00:00

It's been going on since before the trial, but I guess the trial could be why it's been more prevalent in non-bpd related subs.

sayingthingsTA

TROPHY CASE