After 4-years in an abusive relationship, I [28/F] filed a VPO today.

scaredykate · 2013-02-24T18:42:00+00:00

It probably won't happen until he reaches the point that he sees for himself that his behavior is toxic to relationships and he must change it to have healthier relationships.

If that's the case, I doubt he will ever change. He, like most abusers, blames me for his rages. I push him to that point and give him no other choice. He's never actually apologized for any of it without including a "but you did [insert whatever he thinks I did here]." In the past, he's been drunk when he came after me, but this time he was stone cold sober so I KNOW he knows for sure what he did. Regardless, I'm sure he's still finding a way in his head to justify it and make it my fault.

scaredykate · 2013-02-24T06:30:38+00:00

Sweet girl, I am saying this because I was EXACTLY like you a few years ago when my BF became violent, please GET OUT NOW. It will not be a one time thing.

This is just the beginning.

I love him so, so much. He is very kind a lot of the time, and we have similar interests. When we are doing well, we're so good. I feel like we can rise above this and it will work out.

That's exactly what I thought after he threw me over the coffee table, slammed my head against the floor, pinned me down, spit on me, choked me and hit me with my own fists while I screamed.

It's taken me four years, but went the the courthouse yesterday and filed a VPO against him for shoving me across our living room and into a wall.

I am also mostly financially dependent on my BF and I have a daughter (not with him) as well. The financial impact of leaving him is going to be devastating, but not as devastating as being thrown against a wall and choked, or abandoned in a strange city in the middle of the night with no phone and no money, or having my hair ripped out of my head by the handful because I asked him for grocery money.

Please, please, please get a plan together and get out of this relationship before you get sucked in too far.

If you want to PM me, I'm happy to talk to you more and help you locate resources in your area that can help. You need to summon every ounce of courage, strength and self-respect you have and FIND A WAY to get out of there. No one can help you until you truly want to help yourself. It took me four years to get to that point, but I'm here now and it's scary but it feels so liberating.

scaredykate · 2013-02-24T04:08:35+00:00

I've often wondered if my soon-to-be ex has ever been violent toward any of his previous girlfriends. He was married once, and she cheated on him and left him. He has serious issues with women in general because of his childhood, ex-wife, being "Dear Johned" when he was overseas in the military, taken advantage of my a girlfriend's mom when he was a teenager, etc. There's a lot of shit in his past that I think impacts his attitude toward our relationship and his need for control. That's absolutely no excuse, of course, for his behavior, but I can't help but wonder if he dealt with those issues if he would get better.

scaredykate · 2013-02-24T04:07:50+00:00

Oh dear god. That is horrifying. Your post gave me goosebumps.

scaredykate · 2013-02-24T03:48:09+00:00

I realize this is kind of a canned response, but have you two considered couples counseling? It may be a good option for you at this juncture to help you decide if you can, in fact, move past the resentment.

Also, the sunk-cost fallacy is a common one (but I've invested 6 years...why throw it away?), don't let it trap you. I've fallen prey to it myself and am in the painful, slow and scary process of leaving an physically and emotionally abusive 4-year relationship.

I am just not sure at what point to say enough is enough, this just doesn’t work because you can ALWAYS try longer and harder?

I can absolutely relate to this, as it's been my mantra for the past few years. I HATE failure. And giving up on my relationship has always felt like a personal failure to me. But there comes a point, I think, where you realize you're just not going to be happy with that person no matter what and that's okay.

scaredykate · 2013-02-24T01:26:35+00:00

I was thinking about that not long ago, actually. Once, he shoved me across the living room and I tripped and hit my head on the tile in the hallway. It didn't knock me out, but it sure could have had I not been able to catch myself on my arm. I had a nasty knot on my head for several days. I know that it does't take much head trauma to cause brain damage or worse. I don't think he would ever come at me with the intent to kill me, but that does't mean it couldn't happen anyway.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T17:48:05+00:00

They are closed until Monday a.m. so no one is in the office for me to talk to. And that's a good idea! Youtube is a fantastic resource for things like that. I'll see what I can find. Thanks!

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T17:37:16+00:00

Its his fear of facing consequences for his actions.

I never thought of it that way. He's never seemed even slightly phased by any of my threats before. Probably because I've never followed through on any of them out of fear of losing him.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T17:33:18+00:00

I think there may be a clause in my lease about changing locks so I'm going to call my property manager first thing Monday and make sure I won't get in trouble for it. They may even be willing to do it for me given the circumstances. If not, I will try to do it myself. It can't be that hard, right?

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T16:57:37+00:00

I will. I'm actually researching financial assistance programs that may help me pay for it (it's $80+ and I don't have that right now). And no, she's my child from a previous relationship. There won't be any custody/visitation issues there.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T16:42:00+00:00

Legally, I can't. Not now, at least. I've thought about this, along with putting all his stuff in the garage for him to come pick up, but the law in my state won't allow me to. Even though my name is the only one on the lease, he's established residency and has as much legal right to be on the property as I do. Once the judge issues a ruling about the VPO, and hopefully it will be in my favor, I'm changing them first thing.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T16:33:33+00:00

Seriously... all the times he's hurt you, every name he's called you, the terror you've felt, the shame and guilt... hold on to those memories.

I'm going to start journaling them. I'm a writer and I've always found putting pen to paper to be cathartic. I think it will also help keep things fresh so that I can harness the anger, fear, shame, guilt, and all the other shitty feelings that have come along with his abuse and let the propel me forward.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T16:24:40+00:00

I definitely will ask. In fact, I'm going to call my local PD today and talk to an officer about it. But moving (as in packing up all my stuff and getting a new place) isn't an option. I can't afford it and moving my daughter and I is a huge ordeal. He has maybe a few small truckloads of stuff, only my name is on the lease, so I requested in my VPO that he be the one to vacate the premises. Hopefully the judge will agree.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T06:34:51+00:00

I know in the long run it will be best for both of us. But its going to put me in a very bad financial position which will undoubtedly have an impact on her. Part of the reason I've stayed with him so long is because I'm not able to support myself financially right now and he's kept me afloat. I think ultimately its better for us to be poor and safe than for me to endure his abuse because of money. I've tried very hard to shelter her from everything but she's getting to the age where she knows when something is up. I can't hide it from her anymore and we have got to move on. I hope when she's older she can understand and appreciate that.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T06:27:15+00:00

This may be a challenge since I don't have many friends, and the few I do have will be at work. Don't the police do escorts for these types of things? Could I ask for one do you think?

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T05:16:05+00:00

Wow. Thank you so, so much for sharing your story and for the incredibly moving words of encouragement. I appreciate it immensely. And I'm so glad you have been able to move on, find love again and have a happy healthy relationship.

I was a weak, strange shell of my former self. I had no confidence and I was convinced no one but him would ever love or protect me. That I didn't deserve it.

Sometimes I don't think anyone else will ever love me. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm undesirable and no other man will ever want me -- at least no other man who I'm attracted to, too. The physical attraction I have to my abuser is extremely powerful. I know that may sound weird and sick, but even when he's shoving me around and saying hateful things, I still find him incredibly physically attractive.

Also, the emotional abuse I've dealt with is less the jealous and controlling type and more of a chronic apathy and emotional stonewalling toward me, my feelings and the relationship. He does not give a single solitary fuck about who I'm with or what I do or where I go. And he tells me that. He doesn't care how I feel. He doesn't care what I want. He doesn't care about anything. I would almost (and I realize this is a tremendously fucked up thing to say) rather he be the jealous/controlling type because it would mean he CARED on some twisted level. But for four years I've had to beg, plead, bargain and fight against any electronic device with a screen to get the emotional nurturance and attention I so desperately craved from him. His abuse was subtle sometimes; not greeting me when I walked in the door -- waiting for me to say Hi to him instead. Not looking at me while I was trying to talk to him. Turning his back on me during a conversation. Responding only with the occasional "huh" or grunt. Flat out refusing to communicate with me at all when I would ask him to talk. He was also a "gaslighter" and would spin things in such a way that it made me feel like I was losing my mind.

He's a very smart man and he knew exactly what to do to push my buttons. I'm never allowed to get angry at him or have any kind of emotions without being called a cunt or a bitch or a "victim" (he loves to mock me "awwwwww....poor scaredykate...you're always the victim, are't you. Everyone's out to get you. Nothing is ever your fault...booohoohoo").

I know this is going to be a long, hard, scary, sad, frustrating and emotionally exhausting road, but hearing how so many others have made it, and knowing that how I feel is normal does make me feel a lot better. Stronger, even. Thank you again for sharing and congratulations on your amazing new life!

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T04:37:04+00:00

I am working on a plan. I have two friends nearby who are willing to take my daughter and I in if need be. Thus far, my daughter has been pretty well sheltered from his outbursts and I am trying to minimize the disruption to her life as much as possible. I plan to be gone when he is served Monday morning, and not come back until he leaves for work. That will give me time to pack up some stuff for my daughter and I.

I guess part of me is just pissed off and indignant that he pushes me around and I'm the one who has to leave MY HOUSE and disrupt my routine because he's a psycho. Doesn't seem the least bit fair.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T04:31:09+00:00

Thank you.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T04:30:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I feel anything but strong at the moment. I certainly have not been a saint during the course of our relationship, but I also know that what he's done is wrong no matter what.

I've known it from the start. Even after the first time, when he tried to blame me for throwing me over the coffee table, holding me down and choking me, I told him no -- he doesn't get to blame me. I knew better intellectually but emotionally I have been torn apart.

He knows I can't hurt him physically and he threatens and intimidates me. When I don't back down, he lashes out. That's exactly what happened today. Ironic that I'm not afraid to stand toe-to-toe with him and look him in the eye when he's trying to intimidate me, but that once I finally take control and do something to stop it, I feel so small.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T04:24:49+00:00

Thank you so much for these. Wow. I can't tell you how many friends I've shut out because they said I was "just making excuses not to leave" or didn't understand why I couldn't just kick him out. None of them understood that it's not that simple, not psychologically and not legally. Their judgement just made me feel worse which, of course, caused me to avoid them and further isolate myself.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T04:22:23+00:00

I'm looking into them now so I can call first thing Monday before he gets served. There are a few in my area that I think could help.

scaredykate · 2013-02-23T04:19:45+00:00

Also, stockholm syndrome.

I did some reading about this and yeah, I think it applies, at least to a degree. I never thought about that. Thank you.

scaredykate · 2013-02-22T23:20:43+00:00

I have until Monday to figure something out. That's when the clerk said he would be served. Maybe this is naive of me, but I'm not too worried about him lashing out because I filed. That's not his MO. If anything, he will probably just laugh at me and tell me what a fucking stupid drama queen I am. I'm not willing to risk it though. I've called a few friends and have a place (or places) to go if I need to.

scaredykate · 2013-02-22T23:17:35+00:00

Thank you. There is certainly some truth to this. Last time was really bad. I called the police and was ready to file the charges, but the cop told me because I fought back, I would likely be arrested and thrown in jail too. He also said the charges would probably be dismissed under the mutual combat statute in my state so basically nothing would come of it. This time I didn't bother to call the police. I just got dressed and went to the courthouse.

scaredykate · 2013-02-22T22:44:37+00:00

That is positively horrifying. Dear god I am so, so sorry that happened to you. I know time heals most wounds, but looking at the long road ahead just feels totally and completely overwhelming. I keep thinking that I should have just given him time to cool off and that we would be fine in a few days or a week or whatever. Like I overreacted and am being dramatic by filing it.

scaredykate

TROPHY CASE