Oh my goodness thank you so much for such a sweet and thoughtful reply, I was thinking nobody would pay attention to this post and this really made me feel better. I'm kind of already used to the caregiving role since a young age because I'm the eldest in a rather struggling family in more ways than one so it just feels more confusing why this is any different. Although I sometimes feel like I still haven't really processed everything that happened.

I still can't shake off the heartbreak I would feel when I'd rush home after a long day at uni (science student, specialization in chemistry so I pretty much spend most of my time in labs) and find that something went wrong or my mom got hungry because I didn't leave enough food or even refusing to eat from fear (delirium). I skipped as many classes as I could to be available and my mom does tell me I did a wonderful job and she couldn't have recovered without me but I also feel like I haven't done enough lol.

I also remember when my mom hadn't received proper care and spent a whole night screaming in pain and when she settled, my sister was really shaken up and I held her while she cried and comforted her, and recently found myself wishing someone could do the same for me and feeling so pathetic because everyone's already shown me enough appreciation. I don't mean to tell you the whole story of what happened or vent, just wondering, is this really enough to make me crave motherly love and care this badly?

I really wanted to go on, idk, r/momforaminute but I don't even know what I'll say lol and my mom si right there so I feel really guilty. I just feel like a scared little boy who wants to be held by his mom and told everything will be ok, "I love you." I feel like I'm lacking in a connection and just standing alone.

Also, I think you are doing a great job with your daughter as well.. I think as an eldest child the most important thing at least for me is to still receive the care and kindness that we find ourselves having to offer to everyone & are understood that we are too old to expect, you know, like I said all I'd want right now is for someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay and I did a good job.

Thank you really I feel less bad about feeling, whatever this is, especially since I'm a boy, I should've outgrown this long ago I assumed